Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Heroes, Hotties, and Hunky,

HEROES: Will the writer who made Hiro a badass and put Adam-slash-Kensai in a 6-foot-under-casket please figure out a way to end the writer's strike. Surely you've got a brilliant solution to this dilemma somewhere in the amazingly creative brain of yours. And when you solve it, don't tell the writer who's in charge of the Quick-Learn Girl's story line.

Last night's episode was 97% awesome and 3% horrible. Yes, I graphed it and broke the entire show into :30 second segments.

The horrible 3% belonged to Power-Boy, Ex-Strong-Chick, and Quick-Learn Chick. I assume the writer assigned to this story is the nephew of a biggetty big NBC network exec. He's some 23-year-old, barely made-it-outta-college guy who insists everyone call him "Boomer." No doubt wears a poncho of some sort and emphasizes everything with the word "stellar." On his first day, the show's creators gave him some loose direction on where the story was going and let him loose. He claimed his major influences to be Michael Bay. Then stopped talking and started writing. What he came up with was a stolen bag of comic books, cousins fighting, kidnappping, jumpy-acrobat fighting scenes, a car chase (albeit brief), and a building on fire and then exploding. He was so stoked when he brought his beat-up yellow legal pad to the weekly writer's meeting and was all, like, "Dudes. I totally worked all Sunday morning on this! We can do nudity, right?"

I guess Ex-Strong-Chick (aka Skitzo-Chick) is dead. Right. This story-line is so unattached to the rest of show. Why?

The other 97% - awesome!

So, Hiro is a badass. Finally, he did something right. Notice how, this time, when he saw Ando, there was no girlish screaming? Yup. He's turned a corner. Hopefully we've seen the last of wide-eyed-optimist Hiro. Of stupid Hiro. And until the writers introduce a hero who's power is digging and feeling tiny vibrations on the Earth's surface (call him, say, Bird Man ...well ...Flightless Bird Man), I think we've seen the last of Adam Monroe. How ironic would it be to write-off a character without killing him while everyone else gets to die and come back? Obviously the Heroes writers have been reading this blog and I appreciate the nod to my problem with dead people never being dead.

Speaking of which ...Flying Brother (not to be confused with Flying Boy) was shot seconds before revealing all their power's to the world. Um ...couldn't he have flown to the podium? I always think you've got to open any speech with a huge attention getter. He was losing that crowd and I'm not sure the guy (or gal) who shot him didn't do so simply to end the boredom. I'd transcribe his opening remarks, but I don't wanna lose the 11 readers I have. Who killed him, you ask? A shadowy figure. I know. Lame. I'm guessing it was his Mom. She seemed really big on this "kill him if necessary" thing. Now, now ...I'm sure some of you will argue otherwise, but I just wanna go on record and call a shot, for once. Ma Patrelli shot once. Twice. Cigarette. Yes, I know.

Shocked there's so many loose ends in a finale? Flying Boy wants his secrets and flew away. Bennet used the worst acting job ever to convince his family he can't be with them. Come on. In all these years he never gave his phony-wife or Claire some code words to pick-up on in the event he's forced to say something or do something he doesn't want to do? Like, call her "Claire Bird" or say "nifty" (a word Bennet would NEVER use) and make sure they don't react in the moment but realize something's a trap or a trick. Hmmm ...I better have a sit-down with my family tonight and come up with code words, too. You can never be too safe. After all ...my power of common sense could save the world.

(whisper) Save the blogger, save the world.

Loose ends, loose ends ...yes, yes. Sylar did a back-alley heroin addict impersonation but, oh that silly, he was just injecting himself with healing blood. And ...he's back!!! Yes! Sahweet! Bring on the Sylar v. Peter cage match!!! Ya know, for all his evilness, I've really missed killing, power-stealing, man-on-a-mission Sylar. Ned Ryerson simply hasn't cut it as a super villain. And what's his deal? Is he powerful? Is he cunning? Is he even a "bad guy?" He's a piss-poor father, that's for sure. Of course, quality parenting isn't exactly a power any of these Heroes possess.

If Sylar takes Pudding-Death-Eye's powers, I think it's all over. I can see saving the cheerleader, but, PLEASE ...hide this chick away. Far away. And keep her happy. Literally ...keep her happy. Don't make her angry ...you wouldn't like her when she's angry.

So, that's it. Nothing until 2008 and, if the writers don't figure stuff out, it may be limited awesomeness. Next week I'll post an open letter to the writers and TV execs. Not exactly a new bit, but certainly something you can copy&paste and forward to all your friends, right? Maybe my power of stern letter-writing will reveal itself to me.

HOTTIES: When I first saw the blonds I thought, "Nice." As I'm apt to do when I see attractive blond women. These blond women appeared proud of their superior looks, their fashion sense, and their manicures. Manicures?!?!? Like ...real, sit-in-a-chair, soak your feet-type manicures?!?!?!? Oh, snap! "How are women so beautiful and privileged going to slum with the rest of these middle-class to poor amazing racers," I thought. I mean ...manicures??!?! Do the blonds even need a million dollars?

Despite being really, really good looking, they were surprisingly inept. I know? Usually good-looking folk are also very smart - especially blond women.

Am I gonna get on Amazing Race chat rooms today and argue with my fellow Amazing Race show fans that their use of the U-Turn has nothing to do with karma and their demise? Will I slam cptavg1981 for making snide sexist comments about the blonds. Well, hell yeah I will. Someone needs to defend the one good move they made - that being their use of the U-Turn for those unable to follow my pronoun flooded prose.

Reminds me of a joke. What do you get when you have two blonds trying to read a map, count fence posts, and book airline travel? Oh ...I'm laughing already. This is a good one. You get kicked off Amazing Race.

Crap. That was funnier in my head.

These aren't the only annoying blonds on the Amazing Race this year. The Cheated-On-Girl is annoying, too. I can TOTALLY see why her boyfriend cheated on her. Why couldn't she shut the hell up when he was counting fence posts? Good gawd!

The loyal daughter decided to say "I love you Daddy" 100-times a day to change him. And Bad Dad doesn't like to say "I love you." He has no problem singing on TV, butchering the lyrics, talking about his hernia, embarrassing himself with his asinine comments, hypocritedness, and misplaced passions, but saying "I love you" to his daughter!?!?! No way. I want this team gone. No I don't.

Next week Cheated-On-Blond gets even more pissy and I think they bring the "other girl" onto the show for a Springer moment.

UNKY: Blake Lewis's CD is jammin' on my iTunes player right now. I can hardly type for all the dancing and bopping I'm doing. My initial take ...there's beat-boxing, catchy beats, average singing, and it sounds like lots of other stuff out there - perfect for me and the teeny boppers of these here United States. Will I be reviewing it on this blog? Oh, goodness no. It'll be on spunkybean.com, baby!

More on spunkybean and Blake Lewis, tomorrow, my Claire-birds. It'll be nifty.

1 comment:

DaveOholic said...

Let me put you down in order of TV shows.
Amazing Race:Beautiful blonds?? I do not have the energy to tall you on how many levels that is a false statement. I am sickened that you would even write words to that affect. That is the end of my response to that I have bigger fish to fry.

The only phrase that can even come close to describing Heroes is "cool-ma-cool". I agree with you about me-learny-quicky girl and that this entire family needed to be tied up in that building. I will not waste my breath on their flawed story.
Syler-He's back, and i really think he will become the main focus of all the heroes. But I still want any input on where he was in S. America, obviously he was not being held by the company because they would know where he was. There is still this other group out there that has not been discussed or shown that seems to have some agenda also.
Hero:I cannot believe that I am writing this but he is now the toughest guy on the whole show. He is now longer innocent having seen his father die in front of him. He has had to leave his one true love and now had to condemn the villain to an eternity of hell. He is one bad mutha.
Peter:One big idiot, if the writers were going to make him this dumb and impressionable than they should have made him 10 years old. He got a nursing medical degree for crying out loud.
Bennett: Sorry Donniego but your theory is wrong, Bennett killed Nathan Patrelli. He is the only one who could do it so easily and get a gun into a police station. He definitely is not going to rejoin the company without a fight and he will fight. I feel that the next part of the story is Bennet taking down the company from the inside, without Dr. Seresh (Bennett's one mistake was trying to use this moron).
All-in-all this episode was without a doubt one of the top two of the season. The tv execs need to watch this episode and realize that they must pay these writers whatever they want for they are not mear writers but wizards of the pen.

thant is all