Friday, November 30, 2007

Mullet Fu, Total Poo, and Blake Lew

Why doesn't anyone watch this show, anymore? Survivor used to be the talk-of-the-town. The subject of radio morning shows each and every Friday. Contestants were made celebrities. Survivor-themed parties were held in the lilly-white suburbs as everyone watched the finales.

I miss those days.

I can probably also guess a couple of reasons why? Because Survivor is cruel. The weak survive. Every damn time. And the strongest contestants don't win. Never. The weak, lying, useless, lucky-to-actually-be-physically alive people ride the coat tails of the Ruperts, Dietzes, and, now, the Jameses. I'm thinking every show needs a "fan vote" so that the truly deserving win the million dollars.

Is there any doubt that Skeleton-Girl and Elf-Boy would've perished days ago had it not been for James, personally, winning challenges, hunting, gathering, fishing, cooking, and lifting heavy things?

Last night's episode will always be remembered as the night-James-was-screwed and we'll always remember November the twenty-ninth in the year of our lord two-thousand and seven. Right? It's not often I yell at the characters on my TV-screen ...maybe only two or three times a week. Last night at tribal council was a yell-at-the-TV moment. "Jamesssss! Play the Immunity Idol!!!! Pleasssssse! Don't trust them!!!" My words fell on deaf ears. Well, my wife's ears were not deaf and she heard me loud and clear. And I think she was yelling something back at me ..."stop yelling" and "you'll wake the kids" and "did you take your meds?!?!?"

James is gone. There's nothing I can do to bring him back. I am sad. Every season there's a night like this where I vow that I won't watch the rest of the season. I'm vowing, now, that I'm done with Survivor: China! But ya know what? James wasn't mad, so why can't I follow his lead? Yes. He's right. He said, "I'm not mad. It's just a game." Well said.

I'm still mad. So mad that I wish I was like Quick-Learn-Girl from Heroes and I could have watched Mullet-Chick and immediately become a Kung Fu expert. I'd kick some serious butt, today. Survivor taught me something last night: the mountainous, excluded Chinese Kung Fu palaces featured in hundreds of movies over the years actually exist. I wished they would've shown us the fallen American fighter pilot whom the Kung Fu monks found, near death, in the mountains, and were nursing back to health with tea and wet bamboo leaves for his wounds, all while incense burned in the back ground. They'd've had some nickname for him that included the words "white" or "pale." And, likely, he would've fallen in love with a local girl. Sadly, the monks would've only been keeping him alive to give him his honor, but fully planned on killing him. Except for one wrinkle - the dojo master, or sensai, or whatever you call him, would become his friend. He'd see the American is not so different from the Chinese, afterall. And then he'd come to find out about the American's love for the local girl who, get this, is actually the sister of the dojo master. Last night, while American TV camera's rolled, would've have given Pale Fu the perfect opportunity to return to the United States - only he would've rejected the capitalist, Western world he once knew for his new home in the China mountains and the love of his life.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I'll miss James.

LAUGHING: At Cris Collinsworth and Bryant Gumbel. Oh, and at the NFL. And the NFL Network. I'm laughing at quite a few people. I'm sure early on in 2007 the NFL Network asked for a semi-marquee game that they could air late in the season and try and drum up subscriptions. Somehow, miraculously, the NFL said, "sure you can have the Packers v. the Cowboys." People at the NFL Network were probably high-fiving and puttin' back a few beers. What a win. These teams, even in down years, draw fans. Brett Favre, Tony Romo, and Terrell Owens. Perfect.

Some pimply faced intern probably said, "Who are we going to get to announce the game? We need a play-by-play guy and I suggest..."

The NFL Network people would've interrupted him and have blown cigar smoke in his face and said, "relax, Pointdexter. We'll get somebody - there's plenty of time. Don't worry." Then they probably poured a beer over his head and they all laughed at him. The intern has since quit and is making six figures at The Big Ten Network.

Today, however, I suspect someone at either CBS, ESPN, NBC, or Fox will be fired and the guy who green-lighted this match-up at NFL Headquarters is going to be reprimanded.

There were now two "must-see" games in the NFL this year. The first: undefeated Indy v. N.E. three weeks ago. The second: last night's 10-1 Packers v. the 10-1 Cowboys. The game ended up being fantastic, but the announcers, the broadcast, and the fact that it will be the lowest viewed prime time game of the entire season was pure comedy gold.

LAUNCHING: Blake Lewis launched his official website (like I needed to tell you that). Check it...
I just got head-shots done and TOTALLY should have used a pose like this one.


Myndi said...

Being a former Survivor die-hard who gave it up, i can only say you've brought this on yourself. And, I can object to a fan vote for an extra mil...I went from loving to hating Rupert, who became such a pompous ass by All-Stars that I was seething when CBS just made an excuse to hand him money. I definitely call shenanigans on that one!

EJ said...

I've been been enjoying this season of Survivor, but there are other season that I skipped entirely. Couldn't get into "Survivor: Race War" or "Survivor: Let's give one team food and shelter and see if they do better than the other team".

I think the sheer frequency of Survivor seasons is taking away from its buzz. It's no longer appointment television -- if you miss the first week, you may as well skip the season, because there's going to be another season just a couple of weeks later.

And Rupert. Oy. I was pretty much done with him when he threw a violent hissy-fit because somebody dared vote against him. That guy went from 'awesome' to 'tool' in no time flat.

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