Friday, November 30, 2007

Mullet Fu, Total Poo, and Blake Lew

Why doesn't anyone watch this show, anymore? Survivor used to be the talk-of-the-town. The subject of radio morning shows each and every Friday. Contestants were made celebrities. Survivor-themed parties were held in the lilly-white suburbs as everyone watched the finales.

I miss those days.

I can probably also guess a couple of reasons why? Because Survivor is cruel. The weak survive. Every damn time. And the strongest contestants don't win. Never. The weak, lying, useless, lucky-to-actually-be-physically alive people ride the coat tails of the Ruperts, Dietzes, and, now, the Jameses. I'm thinking every show needs a "fan vote" so that the truly deserving win the million dollars.

Is there any doubt that Skeleton-Girl and Elf-Boy would've perished days ago had it not been for James, personally, winning challenges, hunting, gathering, fishing, cooking, and lifting heavy things?

Last night's episode will always be remembered as the night-James-was-screwed and we'll always remember November the twenty-ninth in the year of our lord two-thousand and seven. Right? It's not often I yell at the characters on my TV-screen ...like ...maybe only two or three times a week. Last night at tribal council was a yell-at-the-TV moment. "Jamesssss! Play the Immunity Idol!!!! Pleasssssse! Don't trust them!!!" My words fell on deaf ears. Well, my wife's ears were not deaf and she heard me loud and clear. And I think she was yelling something back at me ...like ..."stop yelling" and "you'll wake the kids" and "did you take your meds?!?!?"

James is gone. There's nothing I can do to bring him back. I am sad. Every season there's a night like this where I vow that I won't watch the rest of the season. I'm vowing, now, that I'm done with Survivor: China! But ya know what? James wasn't mad, so why can't I follow his lead? Yes. He's right. He said, "I'm not mad. It's just a game." Well said.

I'm still mad. So mad that I wish I was like Quick-Learn-Girl from Heroes and I could have watched Mullet-Chick and immediately become a Kung Fu expert. I'd kick some serious butt, today. Survivor taught me something last night: the mountainous, excluded Chinese Kung Fu palaces featured in hundreds of movies over the years actually exist. I wished they would've shown us the fallen American fighter pilot whom the Kung Fu monks found, near death, in the mountains, and were nursing back to health with tea and wet bamboo leaves for his wounds, all while incense burned in the back ground. They'd've had some nickname for him that included the words "white" or "pale." And, likely, he would've fallen in love with a local girl. Sadly, the monks would've only been keeping him alive to give him his honor, but fully planned on killing him. Except for one wrinkle - the dojo master, or sensai, or whatever you call him, would become his friend. He'd see the American is not so different from the Chinese, afterall. And then he'd come to find out about the American's love for the local girl who, get this, is actually the sister of the dojo master. Last night, while American TV camera's rolled, would've have given Pale Fu the perfect opportunity to return to the United States - only he would've rejected the capitalist, Western world he once knew for his new home in the China mountains and the love of his life.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I'll miss James.

LAUGHING: At Cris Collinsworth and Bryant Gumbel. Oh, and at the NFL. And the NFL Network. I'm laughing at quite a few people. I'm sure early on in 2007 the NFL Network asked for a semi-marquee game that they could air late in the season and try and drum up subscriptions. Somehow, miraculously, the NFL said, "sure you can have the Packers v. the Cowboys." People at the NFL Network were probably high-fiving and puttin' back a few beers. What a win. These teams, even in down years, draw fans. Brett Favre, Tony Romo, and Terrell Owens. Perfect.

Some pimply faced intern probably said, "Who are we going to get to announce the game? We need a play-by-play guy and I suggest..."

The NFL Network people would've interrupted him and have blown cigar smoke in his face and said, "relax, Pointdexter. We'll get somebody - there's plenty of time. Don't worry." Then they probably poured a beer over his head and they all laughed at him. The intern has since quit and is making six figures at The Big Ten Network.

Today, however, I suspect someone at either CBS, ESPN, NBC, or Fox will be fired and the guy who green-lighted this match-up at NFL Headquarters is going to be reprimanded.

There were now two "must-see" games in the NFL this year. The first: undefeated Indy v. N.E. three weeks ago. The second: last night's 10-1 Packers v. the 10-1 Cowboys. The game ended up being fantastic, but the announcers, the broadcast, and the fact that it will be the lowest viewed prime time game of the entire season was pure comedy gold.

LAUNCHING: Blake Lewis launched his official website (like I needed to tell you that). Check it...
http://www.blakelewisofficial.com
I just got head-shots done and TOTALLY should have used a pose like this one.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Countdown to Blake

Like I need to remind you, but Blake Lewis's CD, "Audio Day Dream," is 5 days away from hitting stores. I'm sure, by now, you're sufficiently jamming to his debut single "Break Anotha" ...but wait. There's more.

Blake Lewis Coming Soon

Not the official video, but this'll quell your desires, my homies. Check back next week as I'll have a full CD review, pictures of me beat-boxing along to it, and lyrical samples (.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Heroes

HEROES: What the hell is going on? I am but a modest blog author and I need gaping story line flaws at which to poke fun. Can I really make a whole blog entry about how the Young-George-Takai actor was so unconvincing it took me until this morning to convince myself that's who that Asian guy from the flashback was supposed to be? Can I raise my fist in anger because last week's preview clearly showed Hiro holding a sword against Peter Patrelli's neck (look at all these names I'm learning), but this week that scene didn't happen? Instead we see a charging Hiro with that symbol on his sword.

I guess I can laugh about Quick-Learn-Chick deciding that wedging herself in the ceiling joists was the best way to hide? Yes. I'll laugh at that. Cuz that was ridiculous. Ever heard of a closet? Or did you think of going back out the window and running your ass off? Are these street punks really involved in a comic book syndicate? I guess her double-dutching and pole-spin-kick weren't the best things for her to have learned 5 episodes, ago. This story line and the 7-8 minutes of valuable time it took from the primary plot really annoyed me. It might not annoy me on a typical Monday, but with the writer's strike and all, I want all killer, no filler.

It will be dark days ahead for us TV junkies. I get a pit in my stomach thinking that, without new episodes of all my TV shows, we might get a return of the Donnie & Marie Show - but without jokes. Don't get me wrong, I love a variety show but I don't want to see these old people trying to recreate that magic. I'm tellin' ya ...this could happen. And, ah, hell ...I'd watch and sing-a-long.

I have no shame.

Heroes. Sorry. Apparently my other hero power is the ability to tangent (this adds to my power of common sense). Imagine how I could use that power. Me, tied up in a chair while being interrogated as to the location of a certain virus and I start into telling them but then, before long, I'm telling them about my salsa recipe and my Christmas lights and they're like, "JUST TELL ME WHERE THE VIRUS IS BEING KEPT." And I'm like, "I was getting to that, sorry. I just sometimes get distracted and there I was telling you about my salsa recipe and all you wanted to know was the virus's location and, well, next thing you know I'll be telling you about my vacations in Gulf Shores because that's very near where I'm keeping the virus. Have I told you about Gulf Shores? You really must go if you've never gone, it'll be the best vacation you've ever taken ..."

People would be hypnotized by my long, pointless stories and, hopefully, a kick-ass hero might be able to save me in the meantime or my protagonists would just throw up their hands and give up.

Oh, wait. I'm a member of the Writer's Guild and I can't be writing gold like that whilst on-strike.

I struggle with whom to believe. And also when to use "whom" v. "who." One minute, Ned Ryerson seems totally crooked. Then he lets Mohinder go save his friend. He wants his daughter to "watch" the Cheerleader, but why wouldn't he just kidnap her and put her in the facility? Does he want her to turn herself in willingly? One minute Adam Monroe (aka Kensai) seems on the up-n-up, then the 1970s Kensai looks to be the guy who wants to release the virus.

It's the old game of he-said-she-said, but unlike many times when it refers to a couple breaking up, in this case it refers to Armageddon.

I'm just not going to get my questions answered. I'll read Nickel-Guy's thoughts. I'll talk to my brother. My wife is back 0n-board with Heroes and she's much smarter than I, so maybe she can help me.
  1. How will Sylar get his powers back? 2. Why doesn't anyone know where Sylar is? 3. Is it possible Sylar could fall for ol' Death Eyes? 4. Who's more badass? Sylar or Peter? I like Sylar cuz he has goals ...rule the world. Versus Peter, who wants to save the world, but is dumber than a box of rocks. 5. How is Hiro going to screw things up this time? 6. Is Adam going to release the virus? 7. Is Adam a good guy or bad buy? 8. Is Ned Ryerson going to release the virus? 9. Is Sylar going to release the virus? 10. How did Sylar get into the Seeker-Girl's bedroom and where in the hell is Mind-Reader-Guy? 10. Why is Peter just following Adam around willy nelly and not, say, reaching out to his brother or mother for, say, an opinion or some advice? I like to think when tough questions are being asked, you can still count on dear old Mom for some help. 11. What is the point of killing the newest member of "the twelve" in the same show you meet her? What were her powers? Oh, right ...we'll find out because no one ever dies on this show. 12. Why did they keep Bennet alive? 13. Who kept Bennet alive? 14. Where is he being held? 15. Finally, what is the point of the Quick-Learn girl and when is this boy going to matter to the overall theme?
Phew. I have to stop. I'm getting a head ache from my anxiousness. I can't wait until next Monday for the "finale." Just know I'll be crying a little at 10:01pm knowing that it might be months and months until any of my questions are answered.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Unreliable

BLAMING: AT&T. My DSL was working at 7:45pm, last night, and then not working at 7:46pm. I used my technical savvy to try and rectify the situation - turned the computer and modem off, then back on. Nothing worked. So I shut everything down and went to bed, fully expecting elves to enter my house overnight and fix the computer. This worked in the past. I leave the elves little bits of food as thanks, even. It didn't work this time.

BRIEFING: The Amazing Race was just OK. We saw the Blondes use the U-Turn (forces the opponents to go back and do the alternate task of a Detour - which is a choice between one of two tasks. Or is that a Road Block. Gosh, I wish someone would explain it every time it happens, darn it).

Back to the U-Turn (ha!). Why is doling out U-Turns and Time Outs such a taboo? I declare publicly, today, that if ever I'm on The Amazing Race and I'm first to the clue box containing a U-Turn, Timeout, or Hobbling option, I'm taking it. One less team in the race means better odds for me. And since I never plan on attending any Reality Awards shows or on seeing my fellow contestants ever again, I don't care who's feelings I hurt. I want $1-million dollars (why can't I say or type that without putting my pinky to my lip?).

Nice-Guy-with-a-Hat and his Camel-Milking-Challenged girlfriend were sent packing in thanks to the U-Turn.

Alotta people will probably be talking about the dancing-task. They'll talk about it because its the only thing from last night's show worth discussing. Just know, it wasn't much. It wasn't exactly high-wire biking or muddy-crick jumping.

Check back later. Or definitely tomorrow. I'll have the worst Heroes write-up on the web ready for your reading pleasure.

That's pending my DSL connection comes back up.

Friday, November 23, 2007

From Wentz I Came

ATTENDING: The Fall Out Boy concert on November 20th at The Palace of Auburn Hills even in the face of much ridicule. Prior to the show I was asked if I was 14-years-old. If I had any musical taste, whatsoever. If I was having a mid-life crisis and/or am I some sort of perv? The answers are no, no, no, and no.

Though, me and the missus did do shots of Pucker and slam beers in the parking lot and followed-up by sneaking in Jim Beam to pour into our Cokes. And I was wearing my Blake Lewis t-shirt. What is wrong with me?

Since the break-up of Weezer, I was desperately searching for a new band to call "my band." This band needed some angst, couldn't take itself too seriously, needed a "so-what" sense of style, good videos, and catchy music. Enter Fall Out Boy. They came at me in a perfect storm of all the qualities described above. I saw their video for "Dance, Dance" and downloaded their CD. Their lyrical focus on self-loathing, missed opportunities, lost loves, and the path not taken took me aback.
She says she's no good with words but I'm worse
Barely stuttered out
"A joke of a romantic" or stuck to my tongue
Weighed down with words too over-dramatic
Tonight it's "it can't get much worse"
Vs. "no one should ever feel like.."
- opening lines of "Dance, Dance"
Why do these themes resonate with me? Who knows? I'm Gen X and I guess, deep inside, I'll always be angst-ridden. An angry, confused teen for life. That's me.

The performance was phenomenal. For a band that reached super stardom only two years ago, their arena presence blew me away. Lead vocalist Patrick Stump was so good I would swear he was voice tracking or lip syncing. But for only a few flaws and lyrical ad-libs, I would have said he did lip sync. He did not.

For those who like this sorta thing, here's the Detroit show set list.
  1. Sugar, We're Goin' Down
  2. Our Lawyers Made Us Change the Name of this Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued
  3. Grand Theft Autumn / Where is Your Boy?
  4. Hum Hallelujia
  5. Of All the Gin Joints in All the World
  6. I Slept with Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me
  7. A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me"
  8. The Carpal Tunnel of Love
  9. Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?
  10. I'm Like A Lawyer with the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & You)
  11. The (After) Life of the Party
  12. Golden
  13. Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner
  14. Thriller
  15. The Take Over. The Break's Over
  16. XO
  17. Mr Brightsides (cover of The Killers)
  18. This Ain't a Scene, It's An Arms Race
  19. Thnks fr the mmrs
  20. Dance! Dance!
  21. Saturday
OBSERVATIONS: Cheesy banter between songs is long dead. David Lee Roth and Paul Stanley wrote the book on the subject. The last book. Apparently modern day rock stars haven't read that book because the current banter consists of telling the crowd to "f' off" and that they "suck." We, the audience, were told at least 30 times how lame we were and to "f' off." Interesting approach. But the kids-these-days responded as if to show both Gym Class Heroes and Fall Out Boy that we were, indeed, worthy of attending their show. And what right does the lead singer of Gym Class Heroes have that he spent 3 or more minutes between each song talking about himself? Who are you? Henry Rollins? Shut up and play the 2 Gym Class Heroes songs I know and let's get to Fall Out Boy.

MOSHING: Kids-these-days don't mosh. They don't slam dance. In fact, I wonder what they even call what it is they do for the 30-seconds they do it. Fall Out Boy resorted to sending a 7-foot roadie into the crowd in an attempt to ramp up the mosh pit, and even then only about 11 people were actually moshing for no more than 1-minute. The punk teens of the 80s invented it, the angst-ridden 90s era Gen Xers perfected it, and I fear the mosh-pit might be slowly dying. God bless these kids, but they simply aren't angry. They see no reason to fatten someone's lip whilst getting their nose bloodied in return.

WONDERING: As in, one-hit-wonder. Poor, poor Plain White-Ts. This band might've had some promise as a rock band, but then "Hey There, Delilah" rocketed up the billboard charts and I'm prepared to pronounce this band dead on arrival. Sad, really, because their other songs are quite good - but sound nothing like "Hey There, Delilah." The Plain White-Ts realize this. They muddled through 8 songs and then gave us a 7-minute version of "Hey There, Delilah." Complete with one chorus that said, "hey there, Detroiters ...what's it like in the Motor City." The crowd, predictably, went crazy. This song closed their set as it is inevitably closing their careers.

Plain White Ts? You're sitting with Verve Pipe and Semisonic at that table over there near the kitchen. Sorry 'bout that.

Even after all the lead-singer verbal abuse, my friends laughing at me, and the feeling-old feelings, I would go see Fall Out Boy, again. Maybe someday they'll have enough albums and hit songs to actually have an encore.

Encore! Encore! Encore!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Heroes, Hernias, and a Heartfelt Apology

Sorry to all for the length of this post. It's three-posts-in-one ...saves you big money.

HEROES
: THIS VIEWERS TIMELINE

9:00pm - "Previously on Heroes" ...yada, yada, yada ...whatever ...yowza that new blond chick is hot.

9:07pm - Watching the show on the big screen. Good Lord! Now I know why I have Tivo. These commercials are way too long. Why didn't I get a DVR on my HD big screen? Oh, the inner battle between pausing and fast forwarding live TV (upstairs on the 27") and watching this show in HD (downstairs on the 50"). Oh, there's Clair ...angry at her fake dad ...but, gosh, Bennet has been doing some bad things lately - even I have my doubts. Clair (Hayden) calls on her real-life dolphin-saving passion to deliver a great f.u. to Bennet. Who knew she could act?

9:24pm - Bob, his electric-finger-daughter, and Mohinder in an alley. Oh nooooo! Please don't kill Bennet. Please don't kill Bennet. BAM! Flying boy to the rescue! (I'm now jumping up and down on my couch punching the air along with Bennet's fists on Mohinder's face ...I wish I could fly ...ouch, my ankle. I cannot fly ...but maybe my powers have yet to reveal themselves to me). Take that, Mohinder! Bennet foiled the future-painting.

9:27pm - Clair ACTUALLY went to school? OK. Whatever. I bet something's going to happen. Oh, snap! Ned Ryerson. Nooo! It's a trap, Clair. "Bennet!?!?!?" He called you Bennet (I'm jumping on the couch). Run! Oh, good. You did. (no longer jumping up and down on couch)

9:35pm - Oh, please. Spare me this father-son melodrama. Boooooring. Will Hiro ever get wise?

9:40pm - Ha! Take that Ned Ryerson!!! You can't outfox, outwit, and outplay Bennet. Your daughter's hot ...but that gives you no right to do whatever it is you're doing that I can't figure out (I'm pumping fists and shooting air-guns with my finger).

9:47pm - Blah, blah, blah. Hiro's Dad is proud of him. Who cares!?!?! He's just going to bumble something next week. By now, with all he's seen and been through, can we stop with his childish antics and can Hiro finally start acting like an intelligent adult Hero?

9:50pm - (rocking back and forth in fetal position) Please don't let this be happening. Please don't let this be happening. Bennet is shot. Bennet is shot. Where was I when Bennet was shot? Crap. I can't believe my answer is "playing with Heroes action figures while dressed in my Heroes pajamas." If ever my theory that no-one-ever-is-really-dead on Heroes could be true, let this be it.

9:55pm - OK. High-five to Hiro. He used his powers very, very accurately this episode. I hope Nickel-Guy is watching ...see! Great idea to stop time right as your Dad is going over the edge and I'll even give the writers credit for using Hiro's powers to solve the mystery this way. It's Kensei. No surprise, but its nice to have verification. Hmmm. He didn't "start" time again and time-travel outta there ...oh, good lord ...you just know Hiro is gonna mess this up, too. I guess we'll see next week when he starts time and runs downstairs to confront Kensei. Dang, Hiro. Digest this new info for a while. You can always time-travel back to this moment if you decide that's what's best.

9:57pm - The Bennet household is sad. I get it. But get the hell outta there. Bob's coming to get you!!! Where's Bennet, btw? These people leave the dead lying around everywhere, I guess. If only Clair knew that her blood could save ...WAIT!!! There's an I.V. (please let this be Bennet) ...panning slowly ...it's Bennet!!! Woo hoo! His eye is regenerating. (I'm dancing, now) He's alive, alive, alive!!! Hooray! If I thought anyone else in the world actually watched shows in real-time anymore, I'd call my brother ...or Nickel-Guy (except I don't have his #). Haha! Bennet said, "Oh, crap!" Funny line. Where is he? He's alive and that's all that matters!

9:59pm - Previews! Sylar (gulp). Hiro with a sword against Peter's neck (shrug). Other stuff. I think this show just got better than LOST. And apparently I cannot regenerate, either, cuz my ankle is still killin' me.

HERNIATING: A-Hole Dad from Amazing Race got a hernia. I didn't know you could get a hernia from self-righteousness, but you can. Not one to typically wish harm on anyone, in this case, I'm happy he got a hernia. He'll be the one to blame when he and his daughter are "the last team to arrive" and it will be all his fault. I will write him an angry fan email and rip him a new a-hole. And my crazy brain will assume he'll actually read it, be hurt by it, and change. My letter will bother him for years and years.

I won't bore with the play by play, but the Spanish sisters were "the last team to arrive" and "I'm sorry" they "both" were "eliminated from the race." I also learned that I feel very badly for babies in that African-country-I've-never-heard-of for having to drink camel milk. Send them cows!!! Please. Gross.

And finally, I'm pretty sure CBS stopped the first plane so that everyone could catch-up OR they convinced the Cheating-Guy and his girlfriend to wait and save the show. NO WAY that just happened coincidentally. I think I detected complete disgust in Cheated-On-Girlfriend's voice (or was it fear) as she told the teams "glad you made it" as they boarded. I picture 5 directors and producers standing 3 feet from her holding weapons forcing her to say this and act like everything was a-ok.

GROVELING AND APOLOGIZING:

Dear, Wise Sister:

Barely twelve days have passed since last I wrote telling you to return to The Bachelor. Twelve magical days filled with wonder and romance and some of the most dramatic rose ceremonies and home town visits ever witnessed. And millions of candles.

Like most of America, I popped a big bowl of popcorn and readied the champagne for the final rose ceremony. This would be a magical night of TV. A love story for the generations. Bachelor Brad, easily the most like-able bachelor in the shows history, would have to decide between two spectacular women. On the one hand, there's this great chick who tended bar for years, is down-to-earth, has a great family, and is the very definition of salt-of-the-earth. Grounded. Cautious. But, now, totally and 100% head over heels. On the other hand, there's the highly attractive, perfect-bodied, love-at-first-site girl, Jenni. So cute and she even ends her name with an "i" and not the traditional "y" or "ie." I just want to pinch those big, high-boned cheeks of hers. Oh, what handsome children those two would make.

This is it. True love. I felt like he was my own kid brother taking the biggest step of his life ...our brother, sis. And I half regretted and half lamented that you were not a part of all this. I was positive if you would have watched The Bachelor again, you'd feel the same.

So last night I was prepared to see something magical. I was prepared to call you at 11:00pm EST and tell you, through tears, that our li'l Bradley was getting married. Only, because you don't watch, it wouldn't be "ours" so much as it would be "mine." I was prepared to forgive you and welcome you back with open arms nonetheless. I would've watched the whole season again, on Tivo, just so you could be a part of this with me.

Then magic did happen. Only, instead of Doug Henning world-of-illusion and wonderment magic, it was black magic. It was evil. It was shocking. And dramatic. For once, when Chris Harrison said "the most dramatic rose ceremony" and "the most shocking", he was dead right.

Allow me to cut to the chase. Bach Brad didn't pick either. He wasn't "in love."

So, sis. There I was. Champagne flute in hand and unwrapping the foil from the top of my champagne bottle. Having just seen Brad bid farewell to phony, self-promoting Jenni (sooooo cute), there was Brad and Deanna on the stone podium-slash-alter thingy and this was it. Brad gave his little speech and, well ...I could hardly breathe. Gosh, he was just so down-to-earth and plain-spoken, I could tell it was all coming right from his heart. And he even said, "I'll be honest with you," like three or four times. So, honestly is the best policy and it was coming from his heart. I could tell.

Then my world fell apart. Brad got choked up, but not in a sweet way. No. Instead in a paranoid and crazy way. He walked away. Not from love. But from the alter-slash-stage, or whatever. Brad pulled at his collar. Swallowed hard. Looked to the ocean and the sky and then walked back up to Deanna. "OK," I thought. "That was weird ...dramatic ...even shocking ...but OK. Here goes. A proposal." I twisted the wire from around the cork when, all of sudden, Brad told Deanna he didn't love her either.

And that was that.

I owe you a huge apology, sis. You were right. I guess, as your older brother, I just always feel like I know what's best for you. I was wrong. Way, way, way wrong. I hope you read this before Thanksgiving dinner and that, maybe, we'll have a chance to talk. I want it to be like it was before between us. I'm not too proud to say you were right to have given up on The Bachelor years ago. You were right. You're so grown up and I'm proud of you. You watch and not-watch your TV shows, and I'll watch and not-watch mine.

And, forever more, I will not-watch The Bachelor. I love you. Let's start anew. See you at Thanksgiving.

Love,
Yer bro

Monday, November 19, 2007

Too Friendly

Now THIS is how you run a blog. People send you funny stuff, and you post it.

This is from a friend's company e-newsletter. I guess this guy received a $1000 bonus or something. But the real winner? The cartoon mascot who got to sample the HR merchandise.

Nice. With friends like this, who needs creepy janitors, right?

Soldier Boy

PRIORITIZING: This may seem less important than my thoughts on The Amazing Race or the American Music Awards. It's not. With your holiday parties coming up, you had better know how to do the Soldier Boy dance. Watch this how-to video. Seriously! This is not a joke. 7 and 8 year olds all the way up to college kids know this dance. Know how to do it. And if you have any intentions of not being the old-outta-touch Uncle, cousin, or guy-at-the-party ...learn it. It ain't hard.



Still don't believe me?!?!?! Go to YouTube and search "Soldier Boy" ...Soulja Boy launched his entire career with this one dance. Don't be left out.

Friday, November 16, 2007

"Afterall, your hair is your head suit." -Alec Baldwin's Character on 30 Rock

Greatest quote ever? Possibly? No. Definitely!!!

My blog friends, Nickel-Guy and the Queen have been blogging at me to watch NBC's 30 Rock for quite a while. And for some reason I decided to sit down and view my first ever webisode - of any show ever - and I'm greeted with this very scene featuring Alec Baldwin's character (whom I'm sure has a character name) telling Tina Fey that he gets his haircut every two days because, ""after all, your hair is your head suit."

I have a book on my desk containing over 10,000 memorable, poignant quotes. None compare to this.

At the risk of just telling you the whole episode, I'll just say the brief sequence of images and his hair-tastrophy from his past spoke to me. Shook me to the core, actually.

Watching 30 Rock tonight, Friday the seventeenth of November in the year of our lord two-thousand and seven, I now see the world in a whole new way. Brighter. Funnier.

Oh, but it didn't end there. Alec Baldwin's hair was a running gag!!! Are you kidding? A total send-up to It's Gary Shandling's Show ...and to me. A shtick I totally stole from It's Gary Shandling's Show.

Look at his hair! It's awesome! He brushed a woman's hair as foreplay!?!?!? I thought I was the only one!!!

I still don't think Tracey Morgan is funny. Nothing will change that. Sorry. Luckily his unfunniness was off-set by Fred Armison whom I think is the funniest man on TV. He's a sleeper pick for that title, but he is. Period. Bup, bup, bup. I won't hear another word on this. Moving on.

For this ...Queen and Nickel-Guy ...I'm forever grateful. I don't even care that the show is basically The Larry Sander's Show modernized and delivered with new characters. Cuz really, that show was simply a rehash of The Dick Van Dyke Show. Am I missing another show about writers writing a show? News Radio and The Mary Tyler Moore Show also were behind the scenes of shows. There's a word for this genre ...what is it?

Oh, yes. Comedy gold!!!

I'm off to have a White Rum with a diet ginger ale and splash of lime. A "Nancy Drew" ...but for men, it's called a "Hardy Boy." Yum!

Do you believe in love at first sight? I never did ...until now. I ...love ...you ...30 Rock.

And now ...The Bachelor

CRINGING: The Bachelorettes Tell All (aka, the most awkward night on TV) never disappoints. There were candles. My cousin recently told me the "candle lighters" for this show number in the 100s and represent the biggest single line-item in The Bachelor's total budget. He also tells me (and he knows, cuz he's in movies) when the camera is isolated on one area, there are dozens of people running up and lighting and replacing candles as well as providing oxygen to off-camera panelists and Chris Harrison. The candles burn the majority of the oxygen off the set. If you could see the set from space, it would look like a bug zapper.

What's that you ask? Is oxygen really all that important to these women who, obviously, were without oxygenated brains for long stretches of their lives? Yes. You wouldn't want to see the mess it would be with less oxygen in the room.

I like to think this is what sorority meetings look like on college campuses across the country.

As I refuse to (read: am mentally incapable of) learn any one's names on these shows, I'll simply call this girl Big-Face-Blond. You may also know her as Profanity-Stalker Chick. Or Blond-in-Denial Girl. Or as Hyperventilating-When-Booted Girl. Or Didn't-Listen-to-Brad When-He-Told-Her She Was-Like-a-Sister Chick. Hopefully you know who I'm talking about. She stole the show by ripping on other girls - still!!! And for acting as if this whole getting-kicked-off thing was a ploy for Bach Brad to protect the feelings of the other girls because, well, I really think she believes when all is said and done Brad is going to propose to her in the "most shocking rose-finale ever."

OK. Her name is Hillary. I know that.

Not much more to say. The "tell-all" episode is mostly boring and awkward. It took me all year, but bachelor Brad's crutch-phrase is "I'll be honest with you." He says it as much as past bachelor's said "amazing."

A crutch-phrase is something people use over and over to fill a conversation instead of having awkward pauses or dead air. Most people use things like "what have you," "what not," "and the like," "ok," or "and uh." My crutch-phrase is, "ya know?" I know that, and I still can't change it.

Ya know?

But I'm still awesome. I'll post "why" I'm awesome later.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Coming Soon - Audio Day Dream

Just look at li'l Blake Lewis. This dude is dead serious about making awesome music. I could tell that from the first slightly-above-average note he ever sang.

His new album will be called Audio Day Dream and his website is counting the days until it's release. In case you're curious ...18 days. Bam!

Do I hear "early Christmas present?"

You can also sign up for his "official mailing list" just in case you have found yourself on the "unofficial" mailing list. Or, hell ...just keep checking DonniEgo for all the updates you'll need. Better yet, add DonniEgo to whichever RSS feed you use and you'll never miss another one of my posts. Unless you don't check your RSS feeder. But why would you even have one if you didn't check it? Crazy. Crazy like I am for Blake Lewis.

I really do like how they still call them "albums." But I wonder if teens and Millenials know what an "album" is? I'm sure Millenials do not ...darn those good for nothing, spoiled rotten, do-nothing, ingrates. Signed. Angry Not-So-Old Man.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Don's Heroes and The Bachelor Post

COIFING: When my hair starts to resemble McCarthy's or Estevez's hair from St. Elmo's Fire (which it is today), it means I need a hair cut. I'll get one, soon. Not before I wear a polo under my sport coat and push the sleeves up my forearms. I'll work that look for a day or two.

HEROES: The Black-Man-Who-Passes-Through-Things apparently survived his first gunshot wound. Phew! Lucky guy. I remember being upset with him for not makin-like-a-ghost and letting the bullet pass through him in the first place. I guess he has to be focusing, so this ability would be useless in a high-noon showdown in an old west town. Well ...surely he's learned his lesson and will go ghost-mode from now on- WTF!?!?!?! He just got shot ...again!?!?!?!?! Listen ...what's that old saying? Shoot me once, shame on you. Shoot me twice, shame on me for not making myself ghost-like. If the ability to walk-through-walls was my power and I knew I could avoid being punched, shot, or stabbed using this power, I'd use it. Always! 90% of my life would be spent in pass-thru mode. Just in case I got hit by a car, punched, stabbed, shot ...hell ...I wouldn't even want bee stings or mosquito bites. I'd always be ghosty.

I wish there was an actual word for "being-ghost-like" ...but since nothing is like that in real-life, there's no need. Water is ghost-esque, I guess. Malleable? Intractable?

Aside from a guy I thought was dead showing up alive, but then dying right away ...again (I'm rolling my eyes) ...this episode was absolute perfection. Awesome. Brilliant. Riveting. Maybe all three ...say ...Awvetilliant! "Dude. That episode of Heroes last night was awvetilliant!!!"

I'm reading a book about pitching spec scripts and screenplays. The book advises I write a letter to a show's writer about nothing too specific. Perhaps complimenting the cut of the writer's jib, asking if he might be left handed or not, and does he prefer a spiral bound notebook to a yellow legal pad. The book suggests that writers often find themselves so paralyzed by filling an empty page with dialogue, scenes, and stories they'll oft return a well-crafted letter just to get the writing-juices flowing ...mmmmmmm ...writing juice. A new and willing audience (me, the letter writer), it is assumed, will love said writer's tired cliches, writing crutches, and its been reported that some prominent writers will reel off 4, 5, or even 11 page response letters. For the record, if a wanna-be blog author wrote to me, I'd respond in kind and in lengthy prose. Then, these books suggest, once you've established this rapport, you can ask sheepishly if said writer might consider reading your humble, feeble attempt to write a script for said show. The writers often agree to read said spec script because (A) they were once unknown themselves and probably got discovered in the same way and (B) they'll respect your humility and inquisitive nature.

I say this because if I ever were to write a spec script for Heroes I'm going to figure out who wrote last night's show and send them a heart felt, snarky, clever, humble letter to establish a rapport.

Also, I kinda feel like Mohinder. One minute I trust Ned Ryerson, the next minute I don't. If his only power is that Midas-Touch Turn-Things-Into-Gold power, I would say he's pretty harmless. One minute he seems like the smartest hero guy, and the next minute he's letting Peter and Kensei (whom I guess we now have to call Adam ...though I would prefer to call him Sting-Looking-Guy who Heals Himself) escape.

Is Sting-Looking-Guy still plotting revenge on Hiro? Gosh, I hope not. Sure is a long time to hold a grudge. Is it because he wanted to kill Star-Trek guy's kid (Hiro) that they ended up locking Adam-slash-Kensei-slash-Sting-Lookin'-Guy in the cell? All signs are pointing to Adam (aka Sting-Lookin'-Guy) as the pushee of Star-Trek-Guy from the roof.

Star-Trek woman showed up again and maybe has some powers, too.

Ghost-Guy is now officially dead. Despite my assumption that no one is ever truly dead, I think he's really, really dead. The Lightning-Fingers chick is totally hot ...and tormented. I like all of Skitzo's side personalities more than I like her responsible-Mom-and-Wife personality. And next week's Heroes looks better than this weeks. Isn't that always the way?

The best :45seconds of any show are the last :45seconds where they preview the next week. So, if I created a show which was simply a preview of the next week's show, it would be the best show ever.

I'd be a hero. A hero who's power is the ability to leave you wanting. Please next Monday, hurry don't be late.

EDITING: I just thought of this and wanted to be first to say it ...Claire (Cheerleader) is Sting-Lookin'-Guy's (Kensei/Adam's) daughter or grand-daughter. Mark my words. Or she's a toe he lopped off and that toe grew into a teenage girl. Something like that. Totally. I'm brilliant!!!

Postin', Pitchin', Poppin' and Lockin'

PREAMBLING: Thank goodness I've been very upfront with the focus of this blog so I don't have to pull any punches.

DISTRACTING: My phone call with a Hollywood producer later today. And my poker game in my basement with a troll, leprechaun, and Santa.

No, really. I have a call with a Hollywood producer. I'm stoked.

BREWING: Reindeer Blend from Starbucks is a superior coffee blend and makes the best home brewed coffee. Trouble is, its expensive. So I'm thinking of getting a good ol' fashioned metal can of Maxwell House. Both the aroma and taste of "the House" (maybe that could catch on and make it SEEM a little more high-brow ...I'm going to call Maxwell House's marketing people ...stat) take me back to 1993 and mornings sitting with my parents and simply enjoying a weekend home from Michigan State University.

I also like the cans. I could store washers, O-rings, and random screws in them.

ANTICIPATING: My always lacking Heroes opinion, a The Bachelor re-cap, and my all-natural hot cocoa recipe.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Millenials (or Why I'll Always Have Employment and so Will My Children)

GASPING: Watch and gasp. It's impossible not to do one without the other. The first link will take you to the 60 Minutes piece that aired Nov. 11, 2007. The next clip, a YouTube vid, is something taken from PBS. And finally, a clip from YouTube that will BLOW YOUR MIND!!!

CLIP THE FIRST

From CBS' 60 Minutes ...12 minutes you won't regret giving away, trust me:
'Click' the link below and watch in stunned amazement ...

The Millennials Are Coming!

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=3486473n
CBS News Online


CLIP THE SECOND

From PBS:



CLIP THE THIRD

Amazing A-Hole

I had huge intentions to get-up early and devote hundreds of words dressing down The Amazing Race's A-Hole Dad. Instead, I got just a little under 5 hours of sleep with a teething 1-yr-old and a restless 3-yr-old.

Why were you awake, you ask? Couldn't your wife get up and take care of the kids and isn't that a wife's duty? You may also be asking if I could have plugged my ears, ignored the crying, and just rolled over and slept like a baby.

I'm sure some guys can do it. Me? Not so much. Whether I'm actually getting up and tending to night terrors, a crying baby, a wet bed, or random other catastrophes or whether the wifey does ...I don't "sleep through it."

But wait, there's more.

Not sure why I'm sharing this, but amidst the sporadic sleep, I had a nightmare, to boot. I dreamed I built a tree house two stories in the air and my 3-year-old fell out of it. So, not only was I not sleeping, I was dreaming of my kid getting violently injured. Guess what? When you wake from a dream like that you don't exactly roll over, get all snuggly with the missus, and doze right back to sleep.

If I was functioning with even the bare minimum 6-hours of sleep, I might've told you that we're on the eve of seeing a bigger a-hole than even that guy from a few seasons ago who berated his wife, pushed her, and thought he was a real hot shot. Yes. We have a Dad who is a coward, who raised his daughter to be a coward, and he's mean. Did he say, "you need to lose some weight?" Yes. He did. Did he fail to make a decision and then tell his daughter she needs to be more decisive? Oh, yes. He did. Did he make such an ass of himself that he stole the entire hour and I cannot even remember much else that happened in the entire hour-long show? Oh, yes. A-Hole Dad ....ding, ding, ding, ding ...you did it all.

I love when pessimists tell you they are realists (read: I hate it). What it really means is that they are pessimists in denial. A pessimist, asshole Dad. Can it get worse? How 'bout throwing in unapologetic? And throw in a self-proclamation of "perfectionism." And annoying, not-funny singing. Or lecturing strangers on etiquette. The camera men and the producers must've screamed with delight when they found themselves able to juxtapose footage of A-Hole Dad dressing down Grandson-Guy for his rudeness and then A-Hole Dad himself spent the better part of a day-and-a-half treating his daughter like a second class citizen.

A-Hole Dad Lesson 1: Be kind to strangers. Trash your family.

I hope the rest of the season will bring us many more li'l bits of a A-Hole fatherly advice that I can take down and turn into one of those tiny little books you see at Hallmark.

The old man wallowing in the mud was awesome. Apparently his bikini briefs were preventing him from pole-vaulting the tiny crick. He alluded to the fact he got nude. Vixen (or whatever the Goth Guy's name is) was annoying. A-Hole-Cheating Boyfriend couldn't tie knots. Big Lebowski and his chick used both "stoked" and "bitchin'" in this episode. And the lesbian, Christian, married, cloned, ministers were booted. I don't wanna make fun, because I think the taller, more masculine of the two might be hypoglycemic and simply couldn't focus on the sticker-finding task. Oh, well. It turned out they had a great shtick but very little personality.

Also, as a guy who's sent two tapes to The Amazing Race trying to get on the show, I wonder if A-Hole Dad's daughter shot video footage of her Dad just being a royal dick and sent it in. Knowing that if anyone could see his obnoxious behavior they'd have to put him on TV. If that's the case ...honey ...without me knowing ...please start shooting secret video of me and send it into CBS. I think when CBS sees me bordering on complete helplessness and uselessness, they'll wanna put me on TV.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Put Down Hot Liquids Prior to Reading This!

American Idol returns with a 2-night, 4-hour premiere on 1/15 and 1/16
OK. Have you stopped spinning in your chair, jumping up and down, and cheering? Good.

Breathe in. Breathe out. And again. Ah, hell! I'll Copy&Paste that again.
American Idol returns with a 2-night, 4-hour premiere on 1/15 and 1/16
I don't have to ask if you'll have a good weekend.

To those who only like Donniego for its American Idol articles:

Have you been missing me?

I've missed you. Well, if these pesky holidays can hurry up and get goin', we'll be that much closer to the return of American Idol!!! Doesn't it kinda make you tingly-all-over to think that somewhere, huddled with thousands of other would-be Idol finalists, there just might be the next Clarkson or Underwood practicing the chorus to some Joss Stone tune? Or maybe a guy who can't really beat box, but thinks he can, and he's about to sit in front of Paula, Randy, and Simon and butcher something by Jamiroquai?

65 days and counting.

And, ya know, if you wanna read other pointless babbling, Donniego is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

-Donnie Seacrest

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

The Bachelor (An Open Letter to My Sister to Return to The Bachelor's Viewing Audience)

Dearest Sister:

I know it's been a while. You gave up on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette a few years ago when you realized nobody is on the show to honestly find "true love." I want you to know ...I understand. A part of me was also left wanting by this. I guess in my heart I just still believed that two people could go on a TV-show, date in a group whilst being followed relentlessly by producers, writers, directors, dozens of cameras shooting every move, all while thousands of candles (good lord, there're candles) light their way. I so hoped that a couple o' crazy kids could still find love. Call me old fashioned.

Sister. I think this is it. Bachelor Brad seems like the genuine article. He's narrowed it down to two cuties. Both nice. Great families. When I look at Brad & Jenni and Brad & Deanna, I just see something special. And something special. Like these are the only two people in the world for each other. And so are those two.

It's magic, either way.

Did Jenni bring her modeling portfolio with her? Sure. But, so what!?!?!?! I know that looks like she was hoping that during the hundreds of hours of down time she'd be able to rub elbows with producers and TV-people. The cynic might accuse her of using this show to further her career, maybe getting the nod as the next bachelorette or to help her land the Phoenix Suns dancer gig. But I think she has a perfectly rational explanation. She brought it to show her new, bestest friends she knew she'd make while staying in the mansion. Cuz if it's one thing that brings girls together, fighting for the affection and attention of a man is it. She could've brought family photos, a scrap book, or a favorite doll. Instead, she brought her head shots. Nothing but a conversation starter, sis. Nothing more. I've often wished more people had their personal head shots with them to help jump start stalled conversation. I don't really like making small talk with my waitress, but I'd love to hear her poetry or see her modeling photos. That's real life, sis.

And Deanna. What a button! I find the fact that she went from mostly-disinterested to totally-in-love in the span of 10-days charming. When she told Brad last week that she was totally in love and that her heart was in it, and she said it all like a robot might say it, I thought, "I hope my sister is watching this. This is why we all fell in love with this show in the first place." I'll never forget when my now wife first told me, "zerp ...I ...love ...znit, zerp ...you. Zerp." It took my breath away - which might've been aided by the 900+ tiny votive candles she lit to make our quaint dinner more romantic. Those suckers burn some major oxygen out of a small dorm room. My point is, you can hear the love in her voice on the third or fourth take. I bet there're some seasons where the directors have to yell, "cut" a dozen or more times until they finally get something that sounds at least the slightest bit genuine.

Good gracious they burn candles on this show!!!

Oh, Deanna. The one. Or one-of-two, at the very least. She's Greek. No ...not like a college frat "Greek" ...but really Greek ...like My Big Fat Greek Wedding style Greek. That movie charmed the pants off America. So when the show's producers and writers encouraged Deanna to play out her stereotypical ethnic background and invite her "big", "fat", and "Greek" family over for Ouzo shots and dancing in circles ...well ...I could still see the true love right through all the contrived love.

I just know in my heart that one week from this Sunday's "The Bachelor Tell's All" filler show, when Brad gets down on one knee in front of Deanna or Jenni and proposes, its totally gonna be a diamond ring and not some promise-bracelet or pre-engagement-engagement ring.

I know it. Oh, boy. Look at me. I'm tearing up over here. Stop it, Don. You said you wouldn't do this. I'm just such a hopeless ...(sniff ...make long face to keep tears from actually appearing) ...I'm just such a hopeless romantic. I'm sorry. But when I think of these star crossed lovers sitting apart for the 13 weeks that've have elapsed since they taped the final episode until now, I just get choked up. This is really it. It totally restores my faith in love and goodness and TV-magic.

Still aren't sold? Did you know Brad kicked out Bettina? Not before he made love to her, of course. But the guy did have quite a bit invested in that shallow woman. American hated Bettina. She was totally in it for the wrong reasons. Well ...wronger reasons ...if wronger is even a real word. And if wronger isn't a real word, frankly, I don't want to be righter.

So, sis. Will you watch, again? Or has the world of staged, phony, forced romance forever soured you. If you'll give it another chance, I swear The Bachelor will steal your heart all over, again.

Let enhanced love for sweeps back into your heart. Come back to The Bachelor. Come back to an American love story. Come back to love.

Love,
Your Bro

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Heroes

HEROES: I've spent a good deal of blog space making fun of Heroes this season. The show seemed to have no direction. Too much fluff. Two love stories. A buncha new characters. Inconsistencies. Hiro acting like a dufus.

That all changed, last night. In short, a flawless episode. This must be why I got hooked in the first place. If you'd have told me there could be an episode this awesome without Sylar, I'd have laughed in your face. Laughed hard.

First thing ...I feel bad for Peter. He's got all these powers, but he doesn't know how to use them, who he is, or what he's supposed to do. My family had this neighbor when I was a kid that had a remote controlled helicopter. He could fly it from his porch and ever-so-gently pick up his paper at the foot of his driveway and bring it back to the front door. He thought it was a real hoot to fly and drop a water balloon onto things. I thought, "someday I'm gonna get me one of those and do cool stuff like that." Finally, "someday" came. I couldn't wait to master the art of remote controlled helicoptering and do all sorts of stuff like my neighbor. To save time, let me just say my hopes and dreams never came true. I've included an illustration of the one-and-only flight of my helicopter at the right.

Why do I share this story? Cuz I TOTALLY identify with Peter. Last week he figured out he could travel through time. But he doesn't know how he did it and how to do it again. And once there, if he could actually control his lightning-fingers or his moving-things power, he could've saved himself and his new found love. Instead, he tried to move-things but, whoops, traveled in time - leaving his recently-remembered mom and girlfriend in some apocalyptic future. DOH! And, oh ...holy swear word!!! It's Kensei. Didn't we just see him charred-to-bits in 1600-something China? I knew he wasn't dead. No one is ever really dead on this show. Except that Russian guy from last week. And anyone that Ms. Death-Eyes gets sad or scared around. A few others. OK. The writers sure do have a nice gig, though. Cuz when they really need someone back, they can just bring'em back. Back to Kensei ...he's alive. 400 years later. Apparently the regenerative powers are slower when you are either blown up by gun powder or split-atoms.

For the record, ANFTSJ has been calling for Kensei being alive for weeks. Weeks!

One groan moment. Parkman killed his Dad. Using mind-power. I'm to believe Parkman's Dad spent a lifetime honing his skill and in less than a week his son beat him at his own head-tripping game? OK. Because the rest of the epsidode was so, so, so good, I'll forgive it.

Finally ...the Flying-Boy is out in the open and Claire and her Dad (aka Bennet) are really talking. Gosh, it warms my heart when parents and children really, truly communicate. Whoa! Ouch! OK ...that went south in a hurry. I guess they're all moving. If I could offer some fatherly advice to Bennet, it's this: Talk to her. Tell her you love her. And maybe throw in a little detail about how she's the key to saving or not saving the world. I think she's old enough to handle that. What do they say? "Communication is the anti-drug?" Or is it "Parents. The anti-drug?" Only in this case "communication" is the anti-Armageddon. But you get my drift.

Flawless - except for the Parkman Dad storyline. But like I always say, don't believe anyone is ever dead on this show. Ever. Oh, and why can't Hiro just jump back in time to moments before he kissed that chick in front of Kensei and say, "Yo, me. You. Hiro. In about 10 minutes you're going to have a real nice opportunity to mash with her. Don't do it. Cuz Kensei will probably be looking at you guys and get really pissed." And then he could blink himself outta there. Right? We've seen him (last season) travel in time and talk to himself before. Why not now?

Grrrrrr. Hiro. Will you ever wise-up?

Mohinder has a gun and a nose-job as predicted in the paintings. Bennet's bullet-in-the-eye painting makes more sense to him. Kensei is alive. The girl is awake. And the previews look so awesome I wish I could go to sleep today and wake up next Monday at 8:55PM.

If I was Hiro I'd just think really hard and I'd be there. Throwing apple blossom flowers all about my living room.

Tune in later for my The Bachelor opinions. Riveting stuff, I know.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Amazing Monday

If you see me today, you'll note I have a little bounce in my step. A bigger smile on my face. You'll notice I'm friendlier than normal and that my tie-shirt combo is kickin'!!!

SKIPPING AND DANCING: Why? The Amazing Race began anew last night. It made the end of my weekend not so sad. In just the first episode we were treated to drama, tears, an improbable challenge, an animal-based task, and tons of personality. I can't really tell you my favorite part because I was just so happy to be watching, period. The cherry on the ice cream was that the couple I hated most is already gone. The Long-Island-stereotypes (I guess they were billed as Ari & Staella and officially labeled "Best Friends") annoyed me from the first minute they got on-screen. Ari's bio, actually, annoyed me. It says...
"Ari is catty and not afraid to speak his mind."
Keep in mind, Ari is male. It continues...
"Ari describes himself as mean, rude and hilarious, and enjoys dancing and talking trash to people."
Rude = hilarious? OK. I'll go with it. If his name is Don Rickles, yes. It might work. Ari, however, is not Rickles and his pride in his rudeness sickens me. The bio fails to mention Ari's parents couldn't be more disappointed in him. Listen, I like dancing just as much as the next guy, but I really hope when I get onto the Amazing Race someday that my bio doesn't say, "Don likes to dance and make fun of handicap people." In fact, ya know how some motivational speakers encourage you to write your own eulogy? They suggest this exercise in order for you to better motivate yourself and identify that which is important in life. I'll take that one step further. I suggest you write your own reality show bio and try and figure out what 2-4 word bio line would be used by a network to describe you. Like "dating Goths" or "Married Ministers." My wife and I would like to be captioned as "Mortal Enemies/Married"

OK. I'd like that bio-line. I can't speak for my mortal enemy ...er ...lovely wife. At the risk of seeming like a goody-two-shoes, I think anyone who describes himself as enjoying "talking trash" and being "rude" should be gone. I thought I'd hate the dating Goths immediately, but I don't. I hated Ari (aka Rude-Guy) and he got what was coming ...and he's going. I'm happy.

I'm highly intrigued by the Guy-Who-Cheated-On-His-Girlfriend and That-Girlfriend. You just know he's totally on the show to get laid and he's gotta be scopin' the hot blonde team. I'm pretty sure Guy-Who-Cheated-On-His-Girlfriend rolled his eyes in their off-camera interview sequence when he said, "it was the biggest mistake of my life." Was he talking with his homeboy on a cell phone, right then? Playa, y'all. And, I'm slightly annoyed by this team because That-Girlfriend needed to walk during a critical stretch of the race.

Note to self: If you ever get picked for The Amazing Race, do some wind sprints beforehand.


Oh, and I also learned about Ireland and that people in that country travel by high-wire-bike counter balanced by another human. I'm cultured. I, now, never have to visit Ireland as I know that I'm afraid of heights and I would not be able to travel there.

Next week on The Amazing Race we get to laugh at an old man wallowing in the mud.

FOOTBALLING: I thought the Spartan's collapse to the Wolverines might've ruined my sport-related weekend - but the Lions changed all that by winning and pushing their record to 6-and-2. This is for real. 6-and-2 teams make the playoffs. 6-and-2 teams deserve to be cheered for and served up with glowing praise on sports talk stations all day and night in their home town.

LISTENING: Sports talk radio. All day. AM 1130 WDFN from 8am until 2pm at which time I'll flip over to AM 1270, WXYT and tune into Mike Valenti. As soon as he moves off Lions topic, I"ll be back to AM 1130 WDFN and Stoney & Wojo. I'll flip back and forth and listen to whomever is talking Lions.

STRIKING AND SCABBING: I joined the Writer's Guild on Friday. So I guess I'm a scab by even writing this blog entry today. Oh, wait ...we're striking at 9am. Done. Period.

This week is off to a great start. I'm on strike.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

National Novel Writing Month

CELEBRATING: National Novel Writing Month. You have no excuse not to getta workin' on your novel. Visit NaNoWriMo's website and get inspired. I'm currently finishing up my novel about a guy who writes a blog by day, but at night, he sleeps. Hey ...they say "write what you know" and that's something I know a whole helluva lot about.

PHENOMENIZING: Phenomenon. What better way to be spoooooooky on Halloween than to air unexplainable, mind boggling, borderline-witchcraft for two hours, right? Or, as NBC opted to do, air some totally lame, totally-set-up-non-magic "magic." But wait. There's more. Throw in this guy who talks to the dead (clip found on wwtdd.com ) ...wait ...hold please ...

(I'm acting like I'm having convulsions because of my conversation with the dead, writhing and jerking my head back and forth ...wooooooo ...scary)

...sorry about that. I just got a message from a dead guy that my drivers license is in my wallet. Hold please ...lemme check.

(pulls wallet from back pocket ...looks inside ...OH GOOD GOD!!!! A DRIVER'S LICENSE!!! ...Raven Simone runs away and overly-flamboyant-gay-man screams in a high pitch)

Whoa! My drivers license ...in ...my ...wallet.

I'm a mentalist!!!

As if these unbelievable feats of mentalism weren't enough ...how 'bout you pretend that Crissth Angel is really mad and there's a fight or something? The clip is on YouTube and can you believe NBC doesn't want it removed? Why? Shouldn't something so unexpected and not pre-scripted and potentially embarrassing be removed?!?!?!

(scratching chin and pursing lips)

Waddya know about that?