Clash of the Judgements

SURVIVOR: If you had asked me 7-weeks ago whom I thought was going to win Survivor, I'd have told you emphatically, "I don't have any idea! Why would you think I know that?!?!?! What? You think I have nothing better to do than 'project' (and I'd have made air quotes and leaned toward you showing you my crazy eyes) who's going to win Survivor!?!?!?"

I was having a really bad week. 6-weeks ago, however, I would've said James. And though I thought Todd was playing the game quite well, I thought the tractor trailer load of hatred and resentment he was collecting virtually eliminated him, entirely.

But ...with a pathetically insecure-acting chick on his right and a skinny, do-nothing, forked-tongued Olsen twin on his left, he had set-up the only scenario in which he could win. And, he did.

Dammit! I won't be happy about this for a while. If ever. And the only reason I'll watch this predictable show again is because (a) there'll be nothing else on TV if the writer's strike doesn't end and (b) because I'm addicted.

I'm happy James won the fan vote. And, um, I'm happy Mark Burnett gave Mullet-Fu $50,000. That was odd. Though, I really do feel bad for her. She's so sweet and innocent she probably didn't understand that 95% of America has television sets so when you look like you do, talk like you do, talk about how poor you are, how much you regret your life ...ouch ...I'll just say its hard enough being in school when you're a kid and being teased sucks. I know ...cuz I teased alotta kids. But imagine being an adult and still having 5th graders make up poems about your name? And instead of them knocking books out of your arms, they kick over your cleaning bucket and steal your plunger.

Geez, Burnett ...couldn't you have given her more?

Next season we'll get Fans v. Favorites. Nice. An inspired combination. I get it. I'll watch. Will Rob & Amber get another shot? That'd be great. Though I know most people didn't like them, so probably not. I have a better idea. How about they bring back all contestants who were voted out in the first 2-weeks of their respective seasons? Or they bring back the most inept contestants in the show's history?

CLASH: What am I doing still writing about Survivor? How can that be when there's a new show on TV that's about to become the best show on TV. Clash of the Choirs premiered last night and, while I wasn't actually sitting and watching it and it was simply background noise while I painted, I was caught up in the choir storm, immediately!!!

First, it's on NBC. And NBC should be supported through this difficult, post-Cosby, post-Friends, post-Seinfeld era when they can't seem to crack the top-10 with any show. Second, you have to watch just to hear host Maria Menounous. She laughs ...always. If a judge makes a funny quip ...she laughs. If someone says something constructive ...she laughs. When they come back to her LIVE from a clip featuring a woman who talks about being domestically abused ...she laughs!?!?!? And then I laugh. Third, you have to watch because Blake Shelton says the goll darn funniest ding dang things you ever gonna hear. Every time! The tabloids talked about how Marie Osmond had a writer just off camera always feeding her lines. I'm pretty sure Blake Shelton has a team of writers throwing him lines. Leno's writers, maybe? Larry the Cable Guy's writers? I'm guessing there's no less than 30 writers standing just off camera throwing bits of paper in front of him. What a hoot!

You gotta feel for Michael Bolton. It ain't his fault he's from a small home town and there simply wasn't enough people in the town to form a choir, period, let alone being good singers. They roped in a 77-year-old woman and sang for a charity, so no one could go Simon Cowell on their gawd awful choir-singing asses.

This show will get you through the next few weeks, I think. I'm guessing its coming back, right?

My wife walked into the room and said it best ...Clash of the Choirs is proof that American television is, suddenly, on par with Telemundo and Univision. I'm going to pitch Saturday Giant to a network, post haste. That's all that's left.

I also saw ads for Celebrity Apprentice. Man, I don't want to watch this show ...but I will. Sorry ...I won't even attempt anything snarky or humorous. I'm just saying I'll watch this ...and I'll hate myself ...like a heroin addict hates himself.

And, seriously ...if this show can get on the air, my show will.