Thursday, December 14, 2006

Breaking Down the MSU Coaches

Let me be the first to say, welcome back to the Spartan Estates neighborhood, Mark Dantonio.

For those who don't know, I'm a Michigan State alum and I am a dedicated sports fanatic.

I was really impressed with Dantonio's performance (at least what I've read and heard) at the Dream Team banquet. He's been solid in landing and tagging quite a few recruits. The simple things he does the right way are very good for the program. Got me thinkin' about our recent coaches and what they'd be like as neighbors.

Dantonio. Solid, solid guy. Church-goin' kinda guy. But not showy about it. When you ask him how he's doing, he doesn't say, "blessed." He says "good, and you?" Like a normal person. But you can tell he's devout. He's the neighbor you'd give your house key and ask to bring in the mail and feed your fish when you're on vacation. You'd never have to return the favor, because he'd be buttoned up enough to stop his paper and his mail whenever he goes out of town. He'd have a 12 foot power boat ...nothing flashy, but just enough to pull his kids on skis and fish a little. He'd have a dog. A lab or a collie.

In contrast, you'd never ask John L to bring in your mail. Never. He would just seem too scattered. He'd talk your ear off when you're out mowin' the lawn about his adventures and his fool proof remedy for gettin' ridda skunks and varmints. He'd probably "pop by" every time your garage was open and just start talkin' and talkin' about nothin'. Oh, and he would always have an "idea" or "plan" that he wanted you to help with. Like, oh, by the way, can you help me move a fridge from my basement to my garage? "Give me a hand for a quick minute, would ya," he'd ask? You'd go over and next thing you know you're sittin' in his car pressin' the gas pedal for a half hour while he tries to figure out what that rattlin' is in his engine. Come to think of it ...he'd probably try and get you into Amway. He'd have multiple dogs and they'd bark alot.

Saban would be the neighbor you never meet and know nothing about. Nice guy. Keeps his yard up ...but the extent of your relationship is a wave from your driveway or car as you pass each other's houses. He'd NEVER have a dog ...but maybe a pitbul because it represents power, just like his black Caddy V8 and his 120,000 BTU grill that he never uses. But he probably wouldn't have a dog.

Perles would be a good neighbor, too, but he'd get on your nerves. Not because of any one thing, but lots of little things. Perles would be a little lazy. Ya know ...the neighbor that leaves his empty trash cans by the curb for a full 24 hours or more, leaves his Xmas lights up 'til March, and doesn't mind all the dandelions in his lawn and that they're going to spread onto your lawn. He'd still be a good enough neighbor, however, that you'd feel comfortable asking to borrow his seldghammer or extension ladder - which you know he has because you can see it in his ever-openned-garage. Yes, he'd leave his garage door open for the world to see, almost all of the time. His car would always be parked in his driveway because his garage would be an absolute disaster. His mutt would poop on your lawn, never be on a leash, and just bother you.

And, of course with Perles, there'd be the mad bashes at his house where the partyers repeatedly piss on your lawn, sending his dogs (and John L's) into a barking frenzy and waking up yer kids. Not to mention the massive amount of littered empties that are found scattered about your lawn in a perfect sort of wishbone formation. But hey, the good news is that he never asks you for the money you got from Kroger when you returned them. Call it an annoyance payment, I guess.

Izzo would know everyone in the neighborhood, he'd organize the block party in the summer, the children's easter egg hunt in the spring, he'd be on the neighborhood board of directors, and ...dammit ...your property value would go up because he'd want sprinklers, flowers, and stone walls at the entrances. He'd also have a nicer car than you, the best lawn on the block, and ... well'd have to go to confession every week because of all your coveting. His kids would always say "please" and "thank you" and call you "Mr. Spirit." He'd have a dual-engine, 24' Boston Whaler and his passion for life would be reflected in his love of fishing. He'd invite you out with him because he has such a big heart. Everything he'd do would be better than you and you would just know, somewhere in life, you missed whatever gene he carries that makes him this motivated and perfect. His dog would be a King George or Wineraimer and it would be the best trained dog you'd ever seen would get Izzo's morning paper and would go for walks without a leash and never get more than two feet away from Izzo.

I can totally see it this way. I'm a real in-depth sportswriter, eh?