Wednesday, November 07, 2007

The Bachelor (An Open Letter to My Sister to Return to The Bachelor's Viewing Audience)

Dearest Sister:

I know it's been a while. You gave up on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette a few years ago when you realized nobody is on the show to honestly find "true love." I want you to know ...I understand. A part of me was also left wanting by this. I guess in my heart I just still believed that two people could go on a TV-show, date in a group whilst being followed relentlessly by producers, writers, directors, dozens of cameras shooting every move, all while thousands of candles (good lord, there're candles) light their way. I so hoped that a couple o' crazy kids could still find love. Call me old fashioned.

Sister. I think this is it. Bachelor Brad seems like the genuine article. He's narrowed it down to two cuties. Both nice. Great families. When I look at Brad & Jenni and Brad & Deanna, I just see something special. And something special. Like these are the only two people in the world for each other. And so are those two.

It's magic, either way.

Did Jenni bring her modeling portfolio with her? Sure. But, so what!?!?!?! I know that looks like she was hoping that during the hundreds of hours of down time she'd be able to rub elbows with producers and TV-people. The cynic might accuse her of using this show to further her career, maybe getting the nod as the next bachelorette or to help her land the Phoenix Suns dancer gig. But I think she has a perfectly rational explanation. She brought it to show her new, bestest friends she knew she'd make while staying in the mansion. Cuz if it's one thing that brings girls together, fighting for the affection and attention of a man is it. She could've brought family photos, a scrap book, or a favorite doll. Instead, she brought her head shots. Nothing but a conversation starter, sis. Nothing more. I've often wished more people had their personal head shots with them to help jump start stalled conversation. I don't really like making small talk with my waitress, but I'd love to hear her poetry or see her modeling photos. That's real life, sis.

And Deanna. What a button! I find the fact that she went from mostly-disinterested to totally-in-love in the span of 10-days charming. When she told Brad last week that she was totally in love and that her heart was in it, and she said it all like a robot might say it, I thought, "I hope my sister is watching this. This is why we all fell in love with this show in the first place." I'll never forget when my now wife first told me, "zerp ...I ...znit, zerp Zerp." It took my breath away - which might've been aided by the 900+ tiny votive candles she lit to make our quaint dinner more romantic. Those suckers burn some major oxygen out of a small dorm room. My point is, you can hear the love in her voice on the third or fourth take. I bet there're some seasons where the directors have to yell, "cut" a dozen or more times until they finally get something that sounds at least the slightest bit genuine.

Good gracious they burn candles on this show!!!

Oh, Deanna. The one. Or one-of-two, at the very least. She's Greek. No ...not like a college frat "Greek" ...but really Greek My Big Fat Greek Wedding style Greek. That movie charmed the pants off America. So when the show's producers and writers encouraged Deanna to play out her stereotypical ethnic background and invite her "big", "fat", and "Greek" family over for Ouzo shots and dancing in circles ...well ...I could still see the true love right through all the contrived love.

I just know in my heart that one week from this Sunday's "The Bachelor Tell's All" filler show, when Brad gets down on one knee in front of Deanna or Jenni and proposes, its totally gonna be a diamond ring and not some promise-bracelet or pre-engagement-engagement ring.

I know it. Oh, boy. Look at me. I'm tearing up over here. Stop it, Don. You said you wouldn't do this. I'm just such a hopeless ...(sniff ...make long face to keep tears from actually appearing) ...I'm just such a hopeless romantic. I'm sorry. But when I think of these star crossed lovers sitting apart for the 13 weeks that've have elapsed since they taped the final episode until now, I just get choked up. This is really it. It totally restores my faith in love and goodness and TV-magic.

Still aren't sold? Did you know Brad kicked out Bettina? Not before he made love to her, of course. But the guy did have quite a bit invested in that shallow woman. American hated Bettina. She was totally in it for the wrong reasons. Well ...wronger reasons ...if wronger is even a real word. And if wronger isn't a real word, frankly, I don't want to be righter.

So, sis. Will you watch, again? Or has the world of staged, phony, forced romance forever soured you. If you'll give it another chance, I swear The Bachelor will steal your heart all over, again.

Let enhanced love for sweeps back into your heart. Come back to The Bachelor. Come back to an American love story. Come back to love.

Your Bro


Myndi said...

Like your sister (who sounds really smart, by the way) I had long since given up on this steaming pile of crap and felt better for it. However, it sounds like I should maybe check out the big finale just for kicks. Are the rose ceremnies still billed as "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever?" every single time?

Don said...

Oh, yes. "Most dramatic" and "most controversial" and "most shocking" are bantered about quite regularly.

your wife said...

This is my favorite bachelor yet! I'm hoping for Jenni and her big hoop earrings. Plus I love you watch it with me honey!!

KWass said...

Dude -

Your wife likes to watch. That's awesome.


DarrinW said...

I knew it all along, Dana has all the brains in the family. What is wrong with you? The Bachelor? I thought I knew you.... what next? The Amazing Race? Oh, you should really take down that poster of Criss Angel in your office. People are starting to talk.

scott said...

Okay, that was funny. You've almost persuaded me to tune in to see people truly acting like they're in love. But I stopped watching The Bachelor when they had that Average Joe Schmo Millionaire guy on... you know, that ugly geek who was forced to wear a mask and intentionally act very obnoxiously in front of the bachelorette's friends and family?

btw, I've heard that by the time the candle-lighter-guy sets the final candle ablaze, it's time for him to start at the first votive again.