Friday, November 16, 2007

And now ...The Bachelor

CRINGING: The Bachelorettes Tell All (aka, the most awkward night on TV) never disappoints. There were candles. My cousin recently told me the "candle lighters" for this show number in the 100s and represent the biggest single line-item in The Bachelor's total budget. He also tells me (and he knows, cuz he's in movies) when the camera is isolated on one area, there are dozens of people running up and lighting and replacing candles as well as providing oxygen to off-camera panelists and Chris Harrison. The candles burn the majority of the oxygen off the set. If you could see the set from space, it would look like a bug zapper.

What's that you ask? Is oxygen really all that important to these women who, obviously, were without oxygenated brains for long stretches of their lives? Yes. You wouldn't want to see the mess it would be with less oxygen in the room.

I like to think this is what sorority meetings look like on college campuses across the country.

As I refuse to (read: am mentally incapable of) learn any one's names on these shows, I'll simply call this girl Big-Face-Blond. You may also know her as Profanity-Stalker Chick. Or Blond-in-Denial Girl. Or as Hyperventilating-When-Booted Girl. Or Didn't-Listen-to-Brad When-He-Told-Her She Was-Like-a-Sister Chick. Hopefully you know who I'm talking about. She stole the show by ripping on other girls - still!!! And for acting as if this whole getting-kicked-off thing was a ploy for Bach Brad to protect the feelings of the other girls because, well, I really think she believes when all is said and done Brad is going to propose to her in the "most shocking rose-finale ever."

OK. Her name is Hillary. I know that.

Not much more to say. The "tell-all" episode is mostly boring and awkward. It took me all year, but bachelor Brad's crutch-phrase is "I'll be honest with you." He says it as much as past bachelor's said "amazing."

A crutch-phrase is something people use over and over to fill a conversation instead of having awkward pauses or dead air. Most people use things like "what have you," "what not," "and the like," "ok," or "and uh." My crutch-phrase is, "ya know?" I know that, and I still can't change it.

Ya know?

But I'm still awesome. I'll post "why" I'm awesome later.

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