Mullet Fu, Total Poo, and Blake Lew

Why doesn't anyone watch this show, anymore? Survivor used to be the talk-of-the-town. The subject of radio morning shows each and every Friday. Contestants were made celebrities. Survivor-themed parties were held in the lilly-white suburbs as everyone watched the finales.

I miss those days.

I can probably also guess a couple of reasons why? Because Survivor is cruel. The weak survive. Every damn time. And the strongest contestants don't win. Never. The weak, lying, useless, lucky-to-actually-be-physically alive people ride the coat tails of the Ruperts, Dietzes, and, now, the Jameses. I'm thinking every show needs a "fan vote" so that the truly deserving win the million dollars.

Is there any doubt that Skeleton-Girl and Elf-Boy would've perished days ago had it not been for James, personally, winning challenges, hunting, gathering, fishing, cooking, and lifting heavy things?

Last night's episode will always be remembered as the night-James-was-screwed and we'll always remember November the twenty-ninth in the year of our lord two-thousand and seven. Right? It's not often I yell at the characters on my TV-screen ...like ...maybe only two or three times a week. Last night at tribal council was a yell-at-the-TV moment. "Jamesssss! Play the Immunity Idol!!!! Pleasssssse! Don't trust them!!!" My words fell on deaf ears. Well, my wife's ears were not deaf and she heard me loud and clear. And I think she was yelling something back at me ...like ..."stop yelling" and "you'll wake the kids" and "did you take your meds?!?!?"

James is gone. There's nothing I can do to bring him back. I am sad. Every season there's a night like this where I vow that I won't watch the rest of the season. I'm vowing, now, that I'm done with Survivor: China! But ya know what? James wasn't mad, so why can't I follow his lead? Yes. He's right. He said, "I'm not mad. It's just a game." Well said.

I'm still mad. So mad that I wish I was like Quick-Learn-Girl from Heroes and I could have watched Mullet-Chick and immediately become a Kung Fu expert. I'd kick some serious butt, today. Survivor taught me something last night: the mountainous, excluded Chinese Kung Fu palaces featured in hundreds of movies over the years actually exist. I wished they would've shown us the fallen American fighter pilot whom the Kung Fu monks found, near death, in the mountains, and were nursing back to health with tea and wet bamboo leaves for his wounds, all while incense burned in the back ground. They'd've had some nickname for him that included the words "white" or "pale." And, likely, he would've fallen in love with a local girl. Sadly, the monks would've only been keeping him alive to give him his honor, but fully planned on killing him. Except for one wrinkle - the dojo master, or sensai, or whatever you call him, would become his friend. He'd see the American is not so different from the Chinese, afterall. And then he'd come to find out about the American's love for the local girl who, get this, is actually the sister of the dojo master. Last night, while American TV camera's rolled, would've have given Pale Fu the perfect opportunity to return to the United States - only he would've rejected the capitalist, Western world he once knew for his new home in the China mountains and the love of his life.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I'll miss James.

LAUGHING: At Cris Collinsworth and Bryant Gumbel. Oh, and at the NFL. And the NFL Network. I'm laughing at quite a few people. I'm sure early on in 2007 the NFL Network asked for a semi-marquee game that they could air late in the season and try and drum up subscriptions. Somehow, miraculously, the NFL said, "sure you can have the Packers v. the Cowboys." People at the NFL Network were probably high-fiving and puttin' back a few beers. What a win. These teams, even in down years, draw fans. Brett Favre, Tony Romo, and Terrell Owens. Perfect.

Some pimply faced intern probably said, "Who are we going to get to announce the game? We need a play-by-play guy and I suggest..."

The NFL Network people would've interrupted him and have blown cigar smoke in his face and said, "relax, Pointdexter. We'll get somebody - there's plenty of time. Don't worry." Then they probably poured a beer over his head and they all laughed at him. The intern has since quit and is making six figures at The Big Ten Network.

Today, however, I suspect someone at either CBS, ESPN, NBC, or Fox will be fired and the guy who green-lighted this match-up at NFL Headquarters is going to be reprimanded.

There were now two "must-see" games in the NFL this year. The first: undefeated Indy v. N.E. three weeks ago. The second: last night's 10-1 Packers v. the 10-1 Cowboys. The game ended up being fantastic, but the announcers, the broadcast, and the fact that it will be the lowest viewed prime time game of the entire season was pure comedy gold.

LAUNCHING: Blake Lewis launched his official website (like I needed to tell you that). Check it...

http://www.blakelewisofficial.com

I just got head-shots done and TOTALLY should have used a pose like this one.

Countdown to Blake

Like I need to remind you, but Blake Lewis's CD, "Audio Day Dream," is 5 days away from hitting stores. I'm sure, by now, you're sufficiently jamming to his debut single "Break Anotha" ...but wait. There's more.

Blake Lewis Coming Soon

Not the official video, but this'll quell your desires, my homies. Check back next week as I'll have a full CD review, pictures of me beat-boxing along to it, and lyrical samples (.

American Idol's LIVE

COLUMBUS, OH - How can I say this without being over dramatic? OK. I'll try it this way. On Saturday night I saw the American Idols Live tour and it was better than the birth of at least one of my three children.

Yes, folks, I got to see the spectacle live and I'd like to share the joy with you, now. I've hemmed and hawed a great deal on how to best describe this once-in-a-lifetime show-for-the-ages. Should I go artist by artist? Highlight by highlight? Or should I just walk you through the entire show giving you a sense that you were actually there?

I sat 5 rows from the stage (the best seats to any concert I've ever attended). To my left, 3 college kids having a good time. Behind me, 3 50-something women out for a night of wild Idol fun. The rest of the stadium? Wild, frenzied kids, mostly ages 6 through 15, screaming at the top of their lungs for two hours. I've been to quite a few concerts in my day and I've never heard anything like this. I now know why The Beatles stopped touring. The Fab Four said the screaming made it pointless to play anything because no one was really listening. The Idols live screams must've been close.

Was this concert "great?" I'm going to say yes ...for what it is, it is great. Cheezy. High energy. And slightly entertaining. And for 8 of the Idol finalists, this will be the coolest damn thing they'll ever do in their lives. Yes, though they don't want to admit it now, in about 4 or 5 years, at least 7 of them will be working in an office and thinking back fondly on the greatest summer of their lives.

Who won't? Blake, Jordin, and maybe Chris Richardson.

The show opened with the Idols' take on the Black Eyed Peas classic "Let's Get it Started." The stadium erupted, some pre-teens passed out (I"m sure), and I'm pretty confident a few 12 year old middle school girls spontaneously combusted - it's an unmistakable smell.

But the show moves quick, no sooner had they "got it started" did they all disappear and then Lakisha and Melinda appeared back on stage with a Motown tribute. Neither had much energy and I can tell they're both still pissed they didn't win. They were joined on stage by Chris Richardson for "I Heard it Through the Grapevine." More on Chris in a bit.

Then came Gina and Side Show Bob - aka Chris Sligh. Side Show Bob hasn't exactly been working out, let's say that. Gina and SSB gave the audience their first "we love Columbus" bit, and it never stopped for the rest of the night. It occurred to me that for these 7 and 8 year olds, this might be their first live concert. So when Sligh mentioned Ohio staples such as Skyline Chili and the Ohio State Buckeyes, these kids probably thought that Columbus, that restaurant, and Ohio State really were the greatest things about the tour. Needless to say, like any concert really, for the rest of the night the mere mention of anything "Ohio" brought the house down. They sang a Fall Out Boy tune together.

Next up, a pants-wearin' Haley. I boo'd like crazy. How dare she wear pants!??!?!?! How ...dare ...she!!! I won't dignify her with a review ...she sang something Country.

Then the stage went dark. Smoke filled the stage. And "Thriller" began pumping through the speakers. Ladies and gentlemen ...I give you ...Sanjaya. Rising up in the middle of the stage was crazy-haired Sanjaya. The screams were deafening. These kids don't see him as a talentless, androgynous, soft voiced guy singing, fittingly, a Michael Jackson song, who only made the top-10 because Howard Stern and VoteForTheWorst kept him alive. No, they see him as a funny, nice boy that Simon was mean to. And he knows it, and he's workin' it. He actually didn't sing "Thriller" but instead sang Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel." It was bad, but nobody seemed to care. Most of all the 50 year olds behind me. They snapped many, many digital photos.

Then a few forgettable performances followed it ...Side Show Bob played guitar (to prove he's not just some singing-only guy ...right). Lakisha, Gina, Haley (in pants) doing "Lady Marmalade." The rest of the concert kinda went like this...

• Jordin and Chris Richardson did an acoustic duo (both playing acoustic guitars).
• Jordin sang a solo.
• Blake beat boxed and sang The Zombies "Time of the Season" (a song from Season 6).
• Blake then explained his loop pedal and beat boxed, acoustic guitar'd, and sang his way through Marron 5's "She Will Be Loved" and rolled into U2's "With or Without U"
• (Everyone learned guitar on the road, apparently)
• Blake then did a two minute beat-box solo and electronicatalked the word "Ohio" into it. The crowd went ape-shit.
• Baldy sang "America the Beautiful" backed up by the gals ...and we finally saw some leg. I cheered!
• The boys then all gathered as the Idol band to (a) once again try and prove they actually have talent and (b) to get crazy screams. Baldy played keyboard, Side Show Bob and Blake played guitar, Sanjaya played tamborine (ok, he's not trying to prove to anyone he has talent), and Chris Richardson played drums. They sang Gnarl's Barkley's "Crazy". It wasn't bad. Then it got bad. They decided to flow that into The Beatles "Hey Jude." But something went horribly wrong. These pre-teens and teens didn't even know the song. I'm not kidding. And when it got to the most obligatory audience participation part of any song ever, no one in the audience really knew what to do ...I sang "na, na, na, na-na-na-na" ...but I was one of only a few.
• Gina sang something by Pink. She was boring and I could tell she would rather not be on tour.
• Chris and Blake performed a duet of Bill Wither's "Ain't No Sunshine" ...yes, Chris, again.
• The Chris and Blake duo then did a beat-box-off and then a Jamiroquai duet. Yes. Still Chris.
• Lakisha brought the house down (I guess) with Whitney's "I Will Always Love You."
• Chris got a solo and did a two-song Maroon 5 medley (the Idols really like Maroon 5).
• Baldy reprised his version of "Blaze of Glory"
• A trio of girls and Chris performed "Life is a Highway" ...no legs. More boo'ing from me.
• Jordin showed up, finally, wearing a Buckeyes jersey. She did not get the cheers I would expect of the winner. Blake and Chris (and even Sanjaya) got ear piercing screams all night ...Jordin didn't. She's a great singer, but lack charisma.
• Doolittle solo'd "Natural Woman."
• FINALLY saw legs ...and they were awesome!!! I guess she sang with three other girls and I guess they might have sung something by Christina Aquilera ...I was watching leg.

My wife had commented a few times that we hadn't hardly seen Jordin, *THE* Idol, hardly at all. I assumed that the winner of each season must get their own mini concert at the end of every show and that's exactly how it went down. She started by reprising her best performance and sang Tom Jones' "I Who Have Nothing." It was good ...but it's no Tom Jones. She tried some banter with the audience and ...ouch ...its like they used her performances to all hit the restrooms. I think I heard crickets. She rolled into Benatar's "Heartbreaker", did something by Jewel, told us she loved Country music and reprised her singing of Martina McBride's "Broken Wing," and finished off her mini-concert with her version of "Livin' on a Prayer." She was joined on stage by all the Idols and they bid us good night.

But ...oh no ...not so fast. Queue the banshies. I'm not kidding ...I had to cover my ears. And they all came back. Woo hoo! Jordin sang her hit single "This is My Now" (I'm going to write the finale song next year, darn it ...that song sucks!). And then something crazy happened ...everyone came out and sang 30-seconds of the songs they'd already sung in the show. The worst encore I've ever seen. The only good part was that Haley was showing leg.

And that wrapped up the evening. For 16,000 pre-teens and teens, it was a night they'll never forget, though many of the 10 year old boys I saw clapping, singing, dancing, and cheering will someday deny they were ever there. Say what you want about it, but we American's love and need this kind of cheeze in our lives.

PREDICTION: Chris Richardson will have the biggest music career, followed by Blake. Jordin, sadly, won't. Chris was everywhere and was actually quite good.

PREDICTION #2: I'll definitely go to another Idols show in the future

PREDICTION #3: I look awesome in my Blake Lewis shirt ...yes ...I bought it. It's awesome.

Donniego ...out!