Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Heroes, Hernias, and a Heartfelt Apology

Sorry to all for the length of this post. It's three-posts-in-one ...saves you big money.


9:00pm - "Previously on Heroes" ...yada, yada, yada ...whatever ...yowza that new blond chick is hot.

9:07pm - Watching the show on the big screen. Good Lord! Now I know why I have Tivo. These commercials are way too long. Why didn't I get a DVR on my HD big screen? Oh, the inner battle between pausing and fast forwarding live TV (upstairs on the 27") and watching this show in HD (downstairs on the 50"). Oh, there's Clair ...angry at her fake dad ...but, gosh, Bennet has been doing some bad things lately - even I have my doubts. Clair (Hayden) calls on her real-life dolphin-saving passion to deliver a great f.u. to Bennet. Who knew she could act?

9:24pm - Bob, his electric-finger-daughter, and Mohinder in an alley. Oh nooooo! Please don't kill Bennet. Please don't kill Bennet. BAM! Flying boy to the rescue! (I'm now jumping up and down on my couch punching the air along with Bennet's fists on Mohinder's face ...I wish I could fly ...ouch, my ankle. I cannot fly ...but maybe my powers have yet to reveal themselves to me). Take that, Mohinder! Bennet foiled the future-painting.

9:27pm - Clair ACTUALLY went to school? OK. Whatever. I bet something's going to happen. Oh, snap! Ned Ryerson. Nooo! It's a trap, Clair. "Bennet!?!?!?" He called you Bennet (I'm jumping on the couch). Run! Oh, good. You did. (no longer jumping up and down on couch)

9:35pm - Oh, please. Spare me this father-son melodrama. Boooooring. Will Hiro ever get wise?

9:40pm - Ha! Take that Ned Ryerson!!! You can't outfox, outwit, and outplay Bennet. Your daughter's hot ...but that gives you no right to do whatever it is you're doing that I can't figure out (I'm pumping fists and shooting air-guns with my finger).

9:47pm - Blah, blah, blah. Hiro's Dad is proud of him. Who cares!?!?! He's just going to bumble something next week. By now, with all he's seen and been through, can we stop with his childish antics and can Hiro finally start acting like an intelligent adult Hero?

9:50pm - (rocking back and forth in fetal position) Please don't let this be happening. Please don't let this be happening. Bennet is shot. Bennet is shot. Where was I when Bennet was shot? Crap. I can't believe my answer is "playing with Heroes action figures while dressed in my Heroes pajamas." If ever my theory that no-one-ever-is-really-dead on Heroes could be true, let this be it.

9:55pm - OK. High-five to Hiro. He used his powers very, very accurately this episode. I hope Nickel-Guy is watching ...see! Great idea to stop time right as your Dad is going over the edge and I'll even give the writers credit for using Hiro's powers to solve the mystery this way. It's Kensei. No surprise, but its nice to have verification. Hmmm. He didn't "start" time again and time-travel outta there ...oh, good lord ...you just know Hiro is gonna mess this up, too. I guess we'll see next week when he starts time and runs downstairs to confront Kensei. Dang, Hiro. Digest this new info for a while. You can always time-travel back to this moment if you decide that's what's best.

9:57pm - The Bennet household is sad. I get it. But get the hell outta there. Bob's coming to get you!!! Where's Bennet, btw? These people leave the dead lying around everywhere, I guess. If only Clair knew that her blood could save ...WAIT!!! There's an I.V. (please let this be Bennet) ...panning slowly ...it's Bennet!!! Woo hoo! His eye is regenerating. (I'm dancing, now) He's alive, alive, alive!!! Hooray! If I thought anyone else in the world actually watched shows in real-time anymore, I'd call my brother ...or Nickel-Guy (except I don't have his #). Haha! Bennet said, "Oh, crap!" Funny line. Where is he? He's alive and that's all that matters!

9:59pm - Previews! Sylar (gulp). Hiro with a sword against Peter's neck (shrug). Other stuff. I think this show just got better than LOST. And apparently I cannot regenerate, either, cuz my ankle is still killin' me.

HERNIATING: A-Hole Dad from Amazing Race got a hernia. I didn't know you could get a hernia from self-righteousness, but you can. Not one to typically wish harm on anyone, in this case, I'm happy he got a hernia. He'll be the one to blame when he and his daughter are "the last team to arrive" and it will be all his fault. I will write him an angry fan email and rip him a new a-hole. And my crazy brain will assume he'll actually read it, be hurt by it, and change. My letter will bother him for years and years.

I won't bore with the play by play, but the Spanish sisters were "the last team to arrive" and "I'm sorry" they "both" were "eliminated from the race." I also learned that I feel very badly for babies in that African-country-I've-never-heard-of for having to drink camel milk. Send them cows!!! Please. Gross.

And finally, I'm pretty sure CBS stopped the first plane so that everyone could catch-up OR they convinced the Cheating-Guy and his girlfriend to wait and save the show. NO WAY that just happened coincidentally. I think I detected complete disgust in Cheated-On-Girlfriend's voice (or was it fear) as she told the teams "glad you made it" as they boarded. I picture 5 directors and producers standing 3 feet from her holding weapons forcing her to say this and act like everything was a-ok.


Dear, Wise Sister:

Barely twelve days have passed since last I wrote telling you to return to The Bachelor. Twelve magical days filled with wonder and romance and some of the most dramatic rose ceremonies and home town visits ever witnessed. And millions of candles.

Like most of America, I popped a big bowl of popcorn and readied the champagne for the final rose ceremony. This would be a magical night of TV. A love story for the generations. Bachelor Brad, easily the most like-able bachelor in the shows history, would have to decide between two spectacular women. On the one hand, there's this great chick who tended bar for years, is down-to-earth, has a great family, and is the very definition of salt-of-the-earth. Grounded. Cautious. But, now, totally and 100% head over heels. On the other hand, there's the highly attractive, perfect-bodied, love-at-first-site girl, Jenni. So cute and she even ends her name with an "i" and not the traditional "y" or "ie." I just want to pinch those big, high-boned cheeks of hers. Oh, what handsome children those two would make.

This is it. True love. I felt like he was my own kid brother taking the biggest step of his life ...our brother, sis. And I half regretted and half lamented that you were not a part of all this. I was positive if you would have watched The Bachelor again, you'd feel the same.

So last night I was prepared to see something magical. I was prepared to call you at 11:00pm EST and tell you, through tears, that our li'l Bradley was getting married. Only, because you don't watch, it wouldn't be "ours" so much as it would be "mine." I was prepared to forgive you and welcome you back with open arms nonetheless. I would've watched the whole season again, on Tivo, just so you could be a part of this with me.

Then magic did happen. Only, instead of Doug Henning world-of-illusion and wonderment magic, it was black magic. It was evil. It was shocking. And dramatic. For once, when Chris Harrison said "the most dramatic rose ceremony" and "the most shocking", he was dead right.

Allow me to cut to the chase. Bach Brad didn't pick either. He wasn't "in love."

So, sis. There I was. Champagne flute in hand and unwrapping the foil from the top of my champagne bottle. Having just seen Brad bid farewell to phony, self-promoting Jenni (sooooo cute), there was Brad and Deanna on the stone podium-slash-alter thingy and this was it. Brad gave his little speech and, well ...I could hardly breathe. Gosh, he was just so down-to-earth and plain-spoken, I could tell it was all coming right from his heart. And he even said, "I'll be honest with you," like three or four times. So, honestly is the best policy and it was coming from his heart. I could tell.

Then my world fell apart. Brad got choked up, but not in a sweet way. No. Instead in a paranoid and crazy way. He walked away. Not from love. But from the alter-slash-stage, or whatever. Brad pulled at his collar. Swallowed hard. Looked to the ocean and the sky and then walked back up to Deanna. "OK," I thought. "That was weird ...dramatic ...even shocking ...but OK. Here goes. A proposal." I twisted the wire from around the cork when, all of sudden, Brad told Deanna he didn't love her either.

And that was that.

I owe you a huge apology, sis. You were right. I guess, as your older brother, I just always feel like I know what's best for you. I was wrong. Way, way, way wrong. I hope you read this before Thanksgiving dinner and that, maybe, we'll have a chance to talk. I want it to be like it was before between us. I'm not too proud to say you were right to have given up on The Bachelor years ago. You were right. You're so grown up and I'm proud of you. You watch and not-watch your TV shows, and I'll watch and not-watch mine.

And, forever more, I will not-watch The Bachelor. I love you. Let's start anew. See you at Thanksgiving.

Yer bro


Myndi said...

Ha--we ended up watching in real-time, too! I forgot how awesome Bennett's smackdown of Elle and Mo was in the first half. Jack Coleman sure has come a long way from "Dynasty".

So glad I didn't watch The Bachelor--but at least he saved all the mags the trouble of having to print a blurb about the engagement being off in a few months.

Hope your ankle's OK!

EJ said...

I can't decide which is funnier: The hernia of self-righteousnes or the fact that you have a 'Doug Henning' post tag.