Amazing Race

AMAZING RACE: I can't believe the Dysfunctional-Father-Daughter team won the leg - without a Fast Forward, even. The lack of sleep and pressure of the game is empowering the daughter. All is not lost. She told him to notice how nice people are being and that he should treat her as nice. Nice. He had a mini-melt-down at the mere thought that someone might not give him the whole truth regarding flights, though in the end, he had the last laugh. Not that he's one to laugh.

I've been saying for weeks that I know why Cheating-Boyfriend cheated. I'll say it, again - I know why Cheating Boyfriend Cheated. My Amazing-Race-Watching-Partner didn't entirely agree and pointed out that Cheating-Boyfriend is "pretty mean." Hogwash! She starts the fights. How did rowing a boat turn into, "I hate you" and "you're the worst person ever?" Did the show's directors edit out the part where he called her fat? Seriously? Did I miss something "mean?" I guess its a bad sign if my "watching-partner" and I cannot watch Amazing Race without fighting. How do we ever expect to actually participate in the race?

I want to see underwhelmed couple TK and Rachel win this whole thing just because I think it'll be funny how low-key they'll be at the end. You know you're watching a stoner when you see a guy do a zip line across a half-mile expanse and all he can muster is "whoa" and "this is cool."

Nerd Boy and Issue Girl exposed a little too much of themselves, yesterday. We have our answer. Issue Girl is the daughter of a military man. I should've been playing "guess the root cause of their subversive behavior" every week. I totally could've gotten this one. Vixen's Dad is ex-military. Oh, gawd, how pathetic? Her Dad probably ran the family like a platoon, forced her to call him "sir," applied boot-camp principles to the running of the household, and now she's rebelling - by wearing pink and "dating" the most effeminate, anti-father-figure she can find. Oh, gee. Could it be any more trite? I went from thinking, "these two are OK" to "hahahahahahahhaha ...NERDS!" with that single comment. Now I've got to figure out Nerd Boy's deal? I'm going with "he's a nerd" who feels like he "belongs" in the Goth-alternative community. Like, the acceptance he never got from the jock-cheerleader or preppy-kid set, he feels he's found it in the Goth community. I'm also going to go out on a limb and predict he's among the geekiest Goth-guys, too.

Just a question? Can people in the Goth community ever, truly, get along? Or does every Goth person think all the other Goth people are just posers? In fact, isn't the very fact they're competing on a popular network show entirely ironic? Or are they so Goth and subversive that they're supergoth because they're railing against the Goth code of silence?

Next week, I'll venture to a Goth club and watch Amazing Race to see if there's some crazy watching-party where they support their own-kind. I predict that true Goths don't have the slightest idea what The Amazing Race is or even what CBS television is, for that matter. I also hypothesize I'll get beat-up for the J. Crew stuff and condescending look I'll be wearing. I've included a pre-Goth-phase rendering of Donder and Vixen, (left).

Next week, the Goths fight - SO GOTH! - and Grandpa has a dilemma - though it looked like he was battling a bout of dementia, truth be told. Poor guy ...he's old and his Grandson's a dolt.

Heroes, Hernias, and a Heartfelt Apology

Sorry to all for the length of this post. It's three-posts-in-one ...saves you big money.

HEROES: THIS VIEWERS TIMELINE

9:00pm - "Previously on Heroes" ...yada, yada, yada ...whatever ...yowza that new blond chick is hot.

9:07pm - Watching the show on the big screen. Good Lord! Now I know why I have Tivo. These commercials are way too long. Why didn't I get a DVR on my HD big screen? Oh, the inner battle between pausing and fast forwarding live TV (upstairs on the 27") and watching this show in HD (downstairs on the 50"). Oh, there's Clair ...angry at her fake dad ...but, gosh, Bennet has been doing some bad things lately - even I have my doubts. Clair (Hayden) calls on her real-life dolphin-saving passion to deliver a great f.u. to Bennet. Who knew she could act?

9:24pm - Bob, his electric-finger-daughter, and Mohinder in an alley. Oh nooooo! Please don't kill Bennet. Please don't kill Bennet. BAM! Flying boy to the rescue! (I'm now jumping up and down on my couch punching the air along with Bennet's fists on Mohinder's face ...I wish I could fly ...ouch, my ankle. I cannot fly ...but maybe my powers have yet to reveal themselves to me). Take that, Mohinder! Bennet foiled the future-painting.

9:27pm - Clair ACTUALLY went to school? OK. Whatever. I bet something's going to happen. Oh, snap! Ned Ryerson. Nooo! It's a trap, Clair. "Bennet!?!?!?" He called you Bennet (I'm jumping on the couch). Run! Oh, good. You did. (no longer jumping up and down on couch)

9:35pm - Oh, please. Spare me this father-son melodrama. Boooooring. Will Hiro ever get wise?

9:40pm - Ha! Take that Ned Ryerson!!! You can't outfox, outwit, and outplay Bennet. Your daughter's hot ...but that gives you no right to do whatever it is you're doing that I can't figure out (I'm pumping fists and shooting air-guns with my finger).

9:47pm - Blah, blah, blah. Hiro's Dad is proud of him. Who cares!?!?! He's just going to bumble something next week. By now, with all he's seen and been through, can we stop with his childish antics and can Hiro finally start acting like an intelligent adult Hero?

9:50pm - (rocking back and forth in fetal position) Please don't let this be happening. Please don't let this be happening. Bennet is shot. Bennet is shot. Where was I when Bennet was shot? Crap. I can't believe my answer is "playing with Heroes action figures while dressed in my Heroes pajamas." If ever my theory that no-one-ever-is-really-dead on Heroes could be true, let this be it.

9:55pm - OK. High-five to Hiro. He used his powers very, very accurately this episode. I hope Nickel-Guy is watching ...see! Great idea to stop time right as your Dad is going over the edge and I'll even give the writers credit for using Hiro's powers to solve the mystery this way. It's Kensei. No surprise, but its nice to have verification. Hmmm. He didn't "start" time again and time-travel outta there ...oh, good lord ...you just know Hiro is gonna mess this up, too. I guess we'll see next week when he starts time and runs downstairs to confront Kensei. Dang, Hiro. Digest this new info for a while. You can always time-travel back to this moment if you decide that's what's best.

9:57pm - The Bennet household is sad. I get it. But get the hell outta there. Bob's coming to get you!!! Where's Bennet, btw? These people leave the dead lying around everywhere, I guess. If only Clair knew that her blood could save ...WAIT!!! There's an I.V. (please let this be Bennet) ...panning slowly ...it's Bennet!!! Woo hoo! His eye is regenerating. (I'm dancing, now) He's alive, alive, alive!!! Hooray! If I thought anyone else in the world actually watched shows in real-time anymore, I'd call my brother ...or Nickel-Guy (except I don't have his #). Haha! Bennet said, "Oh, crap!" Funny line. Where is he? He's alive and that's all that matters!

9:59pm - Previews! Sylar (gulp). Hiro with a sword against Peter's neck (shrug). Other stuff. I think this show just got better than LOST. And apparently I cannot regenerate, either, cuz my ankle is still killin' me.

HERNIATING: A-Hole Dad from Amazing Race got a hernia. I didn't know you could get a hernia from self-righteousness, but you can. Not one to typically wish harm on anyone, in this case, I'm happy he got a hernia. He'll be the one to blame when he and his daughter are "the last team to arrive" and it will be all his fault. I will write him an angry fan email and rip him a new a-hole. And my crazy brain will assume he'll actually read it, be hurt by it, and change. My letter will bother him for years and years.

I won't bore with the play by play, but the Spanish sisters were "the last team to arrive" and "I'm sorry" they "both" were "eliminated from the race." I also learned that I feel very badly for babies in that African-country-I've-never-heard-of for having to drink camel milk. Send them cows!!! Please. Gross.

And finally, I'm pretty sure CBS stopped the first plane so that everyone could catch-up OR they convinced the Cheating-Guy and his girlfriend to wait and save the show. NO WAY that just happened coincidentally. I think I detected complete disgust in Cheated-On-Girlfriend's voice (or was it fear) as she told the teams "glad you made it" as they boarded. I picture 5 directors and producers standing 3 feet from her holding weapons forcing her to say this and act like everything was a-ok.

GROVELING AND APOLOGIZING:

Dear, Wise Sister:

Barely twelve days have passed since last I wrote telling you to return to The Bachelor. Twelve magical days filled with wonder and romance and some of the most dramatic rose ceremonies and home town visits ever witnessed. And millions of candles.

Like most of America, I popped a big bowl of popcorn and readied the champagne for the final rose ceremony. This would be a magical night of TV. A love story for the generations. Bachelor Brad, easily the most like-able bachelor in the shows history, would have to decide between two spectacular women. On the one hand, there's this great chick who tended bar for years, is down-to-earth, has a great family, and is the very definition of salt-of-the-earth. Grounded. Cautious. But, now, totally and 100% head over heels. On the other hand, there's the highly attractive, perfect-bodied, love-at-first-site girl, Jenni. So cute and she even ends her name with an "i" and not the traditional "y" or "ie." I just want to pinch those big, high-boned cheeks of hers. Oh, what handsome children those two would make.

This is it. True love. I felt like he was my own kid brother taking the biggest step of his life ...our brother, sis. And I half regretted and half lamented that you were not a part of all this. I was positive if you would have watched The Bachelor again, you'd feel the same.

So last night I was prepared to see something magical. I was prepared to call you at 11:00pm EST and tell you, through tears, that our li'l Bradley was getting married. Only, because you don't watch, it wouldn't be "ours" so much as it would be "mine." I was prepared to forgive you and welcome you back with open arms nonetheless. I would've watched the whole season again, on Tivo, just so you could be a part of this with me.

Then magic did happen. Only, instead of Doug Henning world-of-illusion and wonderment magic, it was black magic. It was evil. It was shocking. And dramatic. For once, when Chris Harrison said "the most dramatic rose ceremony" and "the most shocking", he was dead right.

Allow me to cut to the chase. Bach Brad didn't pick either. He wasn't "in love."

So, sis. There I was. Champagne flute in hand and unwrapping the foil from the top of my champagne bottle. Having just seen Brad bid farewell to phony, self-promoting Jenni (sooooo cute), there was Brad and Deanna on the stone podium-slash-alter thingy and this was it. Brad gave his little speech and, well ...I could hardly breathe. Gosh, he was just so down-to-earth and plain-spoken, I could tell it was all coming right from his heart. And he even said, "I'll be honest with you," like three or four times. So, honestly is the best policy and it was coming from his heart. I could tell.

Then my world fell apart. Brad got choked up, but not in a sweet way. No. Instead in a paranoid and crazy way. He walked away. Not from love. But from the alter-slash-stage, or whatever. Brad pulled at his collar. Swallowed hard. Looked to the ocean and the sky and then walked back up to Deanna. "OK," I thought. "That was weird ...dramatic ...even shocking ...but OK. Here goes. A proposal." I twisted the wire from around the cork when, all of sudden, Brad told Deanna he didn't love her either.

And that was that.

I owe you a huge apology, sis. You were right. I guess, as your older brother, I just always feel like I know what's best for you. I was wrong. Way, way, way wrong. I hope you read this before Thanksgiving dinner and that, maybe, we'll have a chance to talk. I want it to be like it was before between us. I'm not too proud to say you were right to have given up on The Bachelor years ago. You were right. You're so grown up and I'm proud of you. You watch and not-watch your TV shows, and I'll watch and not-watch mine.

And, forever more, I will not-watch The Bachelor. I love you. Let's start anew. See you at Thanksgiving.

Love,
Yer bro

Amazing A-Hole

I had huge intentions to get-up early and devote hundreds of words dressing down The Amazing Race's A-Hole Dad. Instead, I got just a little under 5 hours of sleep with a teething 1-yr-old and a restless 3-yr-old.

Why were you awake, you ask? Couldn't your wife get up and take care of the kids and isn't that a wife's duty? You may also be asking if I could have plugged my ears, ignored the crying, and just rolled over and slept like a baby.

I'm sure some guys can do it. Me? Not so much. Whether I'm actually getting up and tending to night terrors, a crying baby, a wet bed, or random other catastrophes or whether the wifey does ...I don't "sleep through it."

But wait, there's more.

Not sure why I'm sharing this, but amidst the sporadic sleep, I had a nightmare, to boot. I dreamed I built a tree house two stories in the air and my 3-year-old fell out of it. So, not only was I not sleeping, I was dreaming of my kid getting violently injured. Guess what? When you wake from a dream like that you don't exactly roll over, get all snuggly with the missus, and doze right back to sleep.

If I was functioning with even the bare minimum 6-hours of sleep, I might've told you that we're on the eve of seeing a bigger a-hole than even that guy from a few seasons ago who berated his wife, pushed her, and thought he was a real hot shot. Yes. We have a Dad who is a coward, who raised his daughter to be a coward, and he's mean. Did he say, "you need to lose some weight?" Yes. He did. Did he fail to make a decision and then tell his daughter she needs to be more decisive? Oh, yes. He did. Did he make such an ass of himself that he stole the entire hour and I cannot even remember much else that happened in the entire hour-long show? Oh, yes. A-Hole Dad ....ding, ding, ding, ding ...you did it all.

I love when pessimists tell you they are realists (read: I hate it). What it really means is that they are pessimists in denial. A pessimist, asshole Dad. Can it get worse? How 'bout throwing in unapologetic? And throw in a self-proclamation of "perfectionism." And annoying, not-funny singing. Or lecturing strangers on etiquette. The camera men and the producers must've screamed with delight when they found themselves able to juxtapose footage of A-Hole Dad dressing down Grandson-Guy for his rudeness and then A-Hole Dad himself spent the better part of a day-and-a-half treating his daughter like a second class citizen.

A-Hole Dad Lesson 1: Be kind to strangers. Trash your family.

I hope the rest of the season will bring us many more li'l bits of a A-Hole fatherly advice that I can take down and turn into one of those tiny little books you see at Hallmark.

The old man wallowing in the mud was awesome. Apparently his bikini briefs were preventing him from pole-vaulting the tiny crick. He alluded to the fact he got nude. Vixen (or whatever the Goth Guy's name is) was annoying. A-Hole-Cheating Boyfriend couldn't tie knots. Big Lebowski and his chick used both "stoked" and "bitchin'" in this episode. And the lesbian, Christian, married, cloned, ministers were booted. I don't wanna make fun, because I think the taller, more masculine of the two might be hypoglycemic and simply couldn't focus on the sticker-finding task. Oh, well. It turned out they had a great shtick but very little personality.

Also, as a guy who's sent two tapes to The Amazing Race trying to get on the show, I wonder if A-Hole Dad's daughter shot video footage of her Dad just being a royal dick and sent it in. Knowing that if anyone could see his obnoxious behavior they'd have to put him on TV. If that's the case ...honey ...without me knowing ...please start shooting secret video of me and send it into CBS. I think when CBS sees me bordering on complete helplessness and uselessness, they'll wanna put me on TV.

Amazing Monday

If you see me today, you'll note I have a little bounce in my step. A bigger smile on my face. You'll notice I'm friendlier than normal and that my tie-shirt combo is kickin'!!!

SKIPPING AND DANCING: Why? The Amazing Race began anew last night. It made the end of my weekend not so sad. In just the first episode we were treated to drama, tears, an improbable challenge, an animal-based task, and tons of personality. I can't really tell you my favorite part because I was just so happy to be watching, period. The cherry on the ice cream was that the couple I hated most is already gone. The Long-Island-stereotypes (I guess they were billed as Ari & Staella and officially labeled "Best Friends") annoyed me from the first minute they got on-screen. Ari's bio, actually, annoyed me. It says...

"Ari is catty and not afraid to speak his mind."

Keep in mind, Ari is male. It continues...

"Ari describes himself as mean, rude and hilarious, and enjoys dancing and talking trash to people."

Rude = hilarious? OK. I'll go with it. If his name is Don Rickles, yes. It might work. Ari, however, is not Rickles and his pride in his rudeness sickens me. The bio fails to mention Ari's parents couldn't be more disappointed in him. Listen, I like dancing just as much as the next guy, but I really hope when I get onto the Amazing Race someday that my bio doesn't say, "Don likes to dance and make fun of handicap people." In fact, ya know how some motivational speakers encourage you to write your own eulogy? They suggest this exercise in order for you to better motivate yourself and identify that which is important in life. I'll take that one step further. I suggest you write your own reality show bio and try and figure out what 2-4 word bio line would be used by a network to describe you. Like "dating Goths" or "Married Ministers." My wife and I would like to be captioned as "Mortal Enemies/Married"

OK. I'd like that bio-line. I can't speak for my mortal enemy ...er ...lovely wife. At the risk of seeming like a goody-two-shoes, I think anyone who describes himself as enjoying "talking trash" and being "rude" should be gone. I thought I'd hate the dating Goths immediately, but I don't. I hated Ari (aka Rude-Guy) and he got what was coming ...and he's going. I'm happy.

I'm highly intrigued by the Guy-Who-Cheated-On-His-Girlfriend and That-Girlfriend. You just know he's totally on the show to get laid and he's gotta be scopin' the hot blonde team. I'm pretty sure Guy-Who-Cheated-On-His-Girlfriend rolled his eyes in their off-camera interview sequence when he said, "it was the biggest mistake of my life." Was he talking with his homeboy on a cell phone, right then? Playa, y'all. And, I'm slightly annoyed by this team because That-Girlfriend needed to walk during a critical stretch of the race.

Note to self: If you ever get picked for The Amazing Race, do some wind sprints beforehand.

Oh, and I also learned about Ireland and that people in that country travel by high-wire-bike counter balanced by another human. I'm cultured. I, now, never have to visit Ireland as I know that I'm afraid of heights and I would not be able to travel there.

Next week on The Amazing Race we get to laugh at an old man wallowing in the mud.

FOOTBALLING: I thought the Spartan's collapse to the Wolverines might've ruined my sport-related weekend - but the Lions changed all that by winning and pushing their record to 6-and-2. This is for real. 6-and-2 teams make the playoffs. 6-and-2 teams deserve to be cheered for and served up with glowing praise on sports talk stations all day and night in their home town.

LISTENING: Sports talk radio. All day. AM 1130 WDFN from 8am until 2pm at which time I'll flip over to AM 1270, WXYT and tune into Mike Valenti. As soon as he moves off Lions topic, I"ll be back to AM 1130 WDFN and Stoney & Wojo. I'll flip back and forth and listen to whomever is talking Lions.

STRIKING AND SCABBING: I joined the Writer's Guild on Friday. So I guess I'm a scab by even writing this blog entry today. Oh, wait ...we're striking at 9am. Done. Period.

This week is off to a great start. I'm on strike.