Nothing Much to Say

AMAZING RACE: So much to say, so little time. Each week it seems I'm involved in a bit of an angry blog-off with the Queen and Nickel Guy. They'll have to beat me to the punch this week. I said I was bored and I got cab-driving in a foreign country, robot-fighting, and flower-smelling. Does that sound boring? The cab-driving was pretty good, but it still didn't send anyone over the edge of sanity's cliff. No one cried. No one threatened to quit. Bad Dad is trying to be a better father and person. TK continues to smuggle pot onto airlines and into and out of foreign countries - because I've never seen anyone remain to calm in all situations. Fun, fun, fun. Happy, happy, happy.

Though, looks like next week there is some snipping and snapping. And I think they have to wrestle with live tigers.

I wish.

RETURNING: American Idol is back in 8 days!!! Have I mentioned I'm writing for spunkybean? Well, then let me also mention my very own American Idol Preview will debut tomorrow morning. Don't worry ...I'll remind you.

ALSO RETURNING: Jericho (CBS) ...February 12th ...10pm. I like the Tuesday time slot. Doesn't interfere with my other Tivo commitments - assuming the writer's strike will be done, otherwise the 4-hours of Idol each Tuesday will be an issue.

REPLACING: The battery in my wife's athletic heart monitor. I mention this because I'm proud of her starting a boot camp (and scared for her at the same time). I also mention this because I got the batteries replaced at House of Watch Bands. Everyone working there was a caricature, and there was a dog wearing a diaper - the other two dogs were not wearing diapers. Yes. There were three dogs in this store. And ...2 parrots. And ...a giant fish tank.

ALSO REPLACING: My coffee bean grinder. And my coffee maker filters. I fully expect to be enjoying one of the best cups of coffee I've ever had 'round about 8pm tonight. All is good, now, but this morning was a rough start because I ended up having to grind my own beans using a knife and cutting board. I did not get the beans quite fine enough and the coffee was weak ...WEAK!!! (like this blog entry)

SPORTING: Sports shouldn't effect my mood, right? But it does. MSU struggled in their hoops win against Minnesota this weekend and I hear Nietzel's wrist is hurting. That'll mean very little to most reading this, but it sucks. Further, the Pistons looked pretty hapless against the Celts. At home, no less. Granted, we'd won 11-in-a-row (yes, I say "we" like I'm a member of the Pistons) and we did play the night before, but still. I was really hoping for a win so national headlines would be less about the Celtics and Boston and Boston and Boston. People hate Detroit and we're the butt of many jokes, but the nation should be rooting for us because we have a legit shot at keeping the Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics from all winning championships in the same year.

You don't wanna see Ben Afleck's mug at all these events and either do I. You better pick a side, America.

SEEKING: Have I mentioned spunkybean? Oh ...right. Yes ...well ...we're looking for a sports authority. Sports is pop-culture and we could use someone for a weekly column. Do you know an out-of-work or would-be writer who is also sports buffs? Leave a comment here or email me.

FORGETTING: Something. Darn it. I had something really funny or insightful I thought of while sitting at a red light. So much for timing.

New Year's Hesitations

I put my boxer shorts on backwards, this morning! How does a 34-year-old man do something like that? I think I'm picking up bad habits from my 3-yr-old ...he's prone to similar mistakes. What's that? No ...I wasn't drinking last night. Perhaps it's fitting given my backwards logic on resolutions in '08.

I guess the 3rd of January is about as long as you can go before making known your New Year's Resolutions. Here goes...

RESOLVING: I resolve to not make New Year's resolutions this year. Now, now, now ...that's not a cop-out. It's a real, honest non-resolution-resolution. Rather than make a list of resolutions mapping out my pending failures (which are all that resolutions tend to be, with me), instead, when I think of something I'd like to do, I'm going to do it.

I'd like to lose 10-pounds, for good. I'd like to have defined pectoral muscles. I'd like to be able to run 3-miles. 5-miles. Maybe even 10-miles. I'd like to listen to the complete, collective works of Bob Dylan. I'd like to read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I'd like to read Catch 22. But resolving on January 1st to do all these things is a recipe for failure, you see?

So, instead, I simply want to resolve to do things I want to do. It worked very well for me in the 2nd-half of '07. I wrote a reality show concept and pitched it to an actual Hollywood producer, I started writing on my blog more earnestly, I started writing two movie scripts and thought of a third, and I helped launch a website.

This morning I ate apple slices and a half-a-banana for breakfast. I hope I can commit to NOT hitting McDonald's or Jimmy John's at lunch - which I'm apt to do - and, instead, grab a salad and some granola.

If there's anything the 60+ self-help books have taught me over the past decade, it's this:

"Do or do not. There is no try." -Yoda

Yes, Yoda said it ...but it's as simply and accurately stated as the 15,000+ pages have attempted to say the very same things. These books all "try." The books "try" to motivate me and change me. I "try" to apply the principles. But in the end, the "try" is worthless. What I "do" is what matters.

So maybe that is my resolution ...I'll do more. I'll do more things in 2008 than I did in 2007.

LISTING: Some of the things I really hope to "do" follow:

* I'd like to do a better job at getting my money's worth from Netflix. I've had the same two movies in my possession for 2 months ...the wrong sequel of Pirates of the Carribbean and The Departed (EDIT: finally watched The Departed ...wow! Awesome. I want to call someone a "townie" or a "southie." Also, Mark Wahlberg stole that movie. He was awesome!)

* I'd like to be able to do 50 push-ups at one time.

* I'd like to start walking again ...this will be both good for me and for my dog - if she makes it. She had a slip and fall recently and is suffering with a back injury. Though I've never been a big fan of my dog, I'm sad to see her acting so old and in-pain.

* I'd like to learn about and listen to Bob Dylan.

* I'm going to create an internet hoax and forward it to everyone I know with the sole goal of having someone forward it back to me. Even better, have Snopes take the time to debunk it. I'm thinking of describing a new crime where criminals back up your dryer vent while you sleep, waiting for you to be unconscious, and then break in and steal your stuff. I'll preface it with "this is 100% true" and "my cousin is a cop in Ypsilanti, MI and he's seen this happen 5 times already this winter."

* I hope I find inspiration to, next year, write a Christmas story-slash-family Christmas card. Ever since I read David Sedaris's Holidays on Ice two years ago, I've resolved to do this. To date, none such card or story has been written. And then I go and meet the Nickel Guy and find out he's been writing stories for years and he even sent me his 2007 version ...which both entertained me and depressed me by further pointing out my lack of follow-thru.

* Finish my three screen plays - or at least write the stories - and start pitching them to people in Hollywood.

* Read one book per month.

* Use the word/verb "stomach" in place of "eat"

* Buy a laptop

* Do some stand-up comedy, again

* Make spunkybean a real, true voice on the web

* Dress myself correctly.

Hard to Stomach Being Back at Work

A friend sent me an article about the upcoming election. I didn't read it. I just can't stomach political talk, yet.

I think more people should use the word "stomach" instead of "eat," "dine," or "handle." But mostly as a synonym for eating.

"Where will you be stomaching, tonight?"

"I'm starving! I really need to get something to stomach."

"Gosh! That was the best lasagna I've ever stomached."

"I'll have to move a few things on my schedule, but I could stomach a meeting on the 12th."

There! THAT's a New Year's resolution I can stomach. I resolve to use the word "stomach" more often. More resolutions to follow.

Also to follow ...20-ideas for blog entries I never used in '07.

Goth Darn It!

AMAZING RACE: Well ...careful what you wish for, right? The Goths are gone. I should be happy. I didn't like them. I didn't "get" them. I was scared by their fake eyebrows and crazy, knee-high boots and stuff. Yet, now that they're off the show, I'm left feeling a little goth-less.

Last week I learned, through reader comments and phone calls from friends, that "goth" and "dominatrix" are different things. OK. But I'm still not sure Kynt and Vixxen have done anything for the goth movement and to help preppy guys like me understand what it is, aside from pink wearables and pale faces, that makes a person "goth."

We Race-fans are now left with a horrible father, an argumentative straight-couple, an old-man and his dumb grandson, and two stoners. And here's the problem ...the sinks in my house are draining slow. Oh, yes ...the problem with The Amazing Race ...the arguing-couple are not arguing so much. The Bad-Dad is becoming self-aware of what a jackass he is. You can't root against a 70-year-old man. And TK and Rachel are just cool. Where's the drama? Whom should I hate, now?

CBS has a real issue. They've got (4) like-able couples, now. Sure you could make an argument against Bad-Dad. Don't get me wrong ...he's an idiot ...but Bad-Dad has been getting better. He's quicker to apologize.

Grrr. This sounds like a review written by a family friend of their's. See the dilemna, here? The charm of The Amazing Race and most reality shows is that you have a person or team you're rooting for, and one you're passionately and irrationally rooting against with all your might. I'm not rooting against any of these teams. Couldn't they all just split the $ 1-mil? They're all so gosh-darn easy-going, they just might go for it, yes?

Stringing flowers? Pasting posters to a wall? Rowing boats? Finding bikes? Riding in ultra-lights and looking for clues? Yoga? Flag tossing? Carrying some heavy tanks - and really, how heavy could they be if a chick and a femmy-goth guy could do it? Why don't they all just have a skipping contest next week (judged by the kids from Kid Nation, of course). Come on, CBS!!! You started off great with the donkeys and pole-vaulting ...but now ...its like a family picnic. You wanna get ratings? We need tree-climbing! Meat eating! Baby bird fetuses! Cage fighting! Cave searching! Something! Drama. Tension. Crying. Heart break.

This season is dying on the vine. The couples are boring and so are the tasks. And hasn't The Amazing Race been to India plenty of times, already? I mean, we were teased for next week with TK & Rachel going "off on their own" ...whoa! Slow down! The other racers don't see them for a while. Hooooweeee! That's "amazing!"

No. It isn't. Somebody had better break an arm, wig out and throw money at local merchants, or fist fight, and quick. Tune in next week where, and I wasn't kidding, three teams wonder about the whereabouts of another team.

"To win a million dollars would be, like, frickin' awesome!" -TK

READING: Dave Barry's History of the Millenium (So Far), by Dave Barry. Did I also receive Stephen Colbert's I Am America! (And So Can You) for Christmas? Yes, I did. But it wasn't helping me with my writer's block. Soooo, since I want to be Dave Barry, I thought I'd hit the local library and find his latest book. 40-pages later, I'm inspired. I'm amused. I'm laughing out loud and and pounding on tables.

Did I get that Chuck Norris book from anyone? Or the Cary Grant book I wanted? Did I get anything from DonniEgo fans? Readers? Loved ones? I'm holding a grudge.

Weezer

DISCOVERING: Weezer news. Cuz you want to know as much as I do, you'll wanna read this article from Billboard.com.

Highlights?

• Rivers spoke to the possibility of releasing more home demos.
• Cuomo describes the new songs, which are being co-produced by Rick Rubin, as “dark and deep and beautiful,” and “definitely more sophisticated and adventurous. You’ll hear very long songs … and non-traditional structures.”
• Rivers said that he hopes to release at least one more “Alone” and is currently in discussions with Geffen about doing so. The track list is currently being finalized to Weezer’s new album, which is slated for an April or May release.

Can't get enough? Try two sites (well, one's a message board, actually) devoted to Weezer

albumsix.com
weerez.com

Enjoy. More to come including my review of Rivers's solo project, Alone, at spunkybean ...next week. Like I won't be beggin' you to read it.

Growing Up?

A friend recently posted the following comment on Netflix about a Miami Vice (the movie) and sent it my way. He was reaching out...

Note: Add it to the pile. Movies get worse and worse and worse yet. This was a steaming pile of shit. I hate to be so negative but I honestly can't find a good movie!! Any suggestions?

I think 2 things are happening here ...possibly 3.

1. My friend is getting older and growing out of action-adventure movies.
2. Action/adventure movies really do suck these days (thanks, Michael Bay).
3. He's becoming a grumpy-ol'-man.

Hell, I didn't like Transformers and wished I hadn't wasted $8 on it.

A few years ago I came up with the theory that movies like this (Miami Vice, Transformers) are for 10-21 year-old boys. Now that we're late-20s, early-30s, we just can't deal with the same tired plots, catchphrases, and impossible situations. And ...special affects are better ...but directors don't use them very well - why can't Hollywood actually blow up a building and not just pretend-to blow up a building, anymore?

Take heart ...a new Indian Jones movie is coming out. There's a few shoot-em-up movies that still rise above (The Rundown, Bourne Identity). But maybe we all need to rent some classics ...or embrace our movie snobbishness and just forget this genre all-together. Go on a Hitchcock marathon. Or a Clooney marathon - he's got a few clunkers, but for the most part has managed to stay above the fray.

Or we could go all "indie" films for a while ...IFC Channel and Netflix could keep us busy for a year with obscure titles and tales.

If anyone's paying attention, suggest a few titles for an aging action-adventure guy to start anew. Thanks.

This Post is So Lame You'd Think I'm a Writer on Strike

Last I checked, blog-writers aren't on strike. But the quality and content of this post will make you think that's the case.

WRITING: spunkybean. Our little pop-culture web-site. I've committed to (4) articles this week ...and its already Wednesday. I may use holidays, vacation, and reduced readership during the Xmas-NewYear's week as an excuse for not writing and missing my own deadlines. And we all know making-excuses is a true symbol of greatness ...I'm pretty sure that's one of Stephen Covey's "7 Habits." I should probably read that book, again.

AND WRITING: Text Messages to Santa. That's the name of a short-story I'm writing. So far its long on gags and short on structure. Do things actually have to happen in a story to be considered a story? Just asking. Actually, I'm writing it kinda outta embarrassment. Seems my blogosphere (geez, I feel geeky writing that) bestest friend got me something for Christmas, and ...um ...I didn't get him anything. Apparently he and his family don't give store-bought gifts and, instead, write Christmas stories for each other every year and read them aloud beside the fire and under the tree each Christmas Eve. I assume nog is served, sweaters are worn, and a Bing Crosby or Nat King Cole tune fills the air. Heck, I don't know their family (I really don't actually even know Nickel Guy), but I'll betcha someone smokes a pipe.

I may have the details wrong ...but, yes ...his family writes stories and reads them.

You can read his 2005 version at his blog. I was lucky enough to be able to read his 2007 story. Cuz, like I said, we're bestest friends. And since I feel guilty (read: inspired), I'm going to get him a story in return.

AND WRITING: Three movie scripts. It appears unlikely that my reality show concept is going to be bought and produced any time, soon, so ...why not write movie scripts? Right? I have three really strong ideas. But as they say in Hollywood, an "idea" is about as worthless as a Stephen Segal movie. It's what you do with that idea and how you build a story around it that counts. It's not enough to say you'd like to make Mr. Ed into a feature movie ...cuz, really, who doesn't? No, sir. You have to have a full concept. A story. Everything. Sooooo, in 2008 I'm going to turn my (3) "ideas" into stories.

AND WRITING: Spec scripts. While reading all those books on movie script writing, I learned that you can make a living or launch yourself into superstardom simply by submitting spec scripts to established television shows. First you have to build some rapport, I guess. Write a fan-letter to a writer and ask for some advice or something. Then, if you get that return letter (and, yes, you write a letter on paper ...because no one does that anymore and a well-written letter is more likely to get read and returned), you write a follow-up and then include a spec script. I guess there's hundreds of Hollywood success stories based on this model. Sounds crazy, I know ...but I have very little to lose. Plus, you faithful blog readers will get to laugh at me and my letters right here.

AND WRITING: My other blog. My family blog. I have yet to finish my Christmas Letter, journal the holiday happenings - everything since Halloween - and record a few family member milestones.

Some may ask, "why?" And many ask, "how do you have the time?" Truth is ...I don't know "why" and I really don't have the time. But I know one thing ...I like to write. Some guys hunt and some have a passion for golf and carve out 4 or 8 hours a week in pursuit of those hobbies. Heck, I know some guys who like doing Soduku puzzles and spend hours upon hours doing Soduku puzzles each week. Do you laugh at those people? Well? Do ya? I'm sorry ...I don't mean to get defensive. And if you're one of the 3 or 4 people who might actually read a DonniEgo post the length of this one, I'm not talking to you. You understand.

Well ...it's the 26th and, I can't believe it ...my employer probably expects me in the office some time, today. Later.

Bug Off. My Ego's on Vacation

I can't believe you people expect me to blog on Christmas Eve. Sure, Amazing Race was on, Donder and Blytzen were almost eliminated, Bad Dad was bad once again, and the coolest racer ever, KT, overcame every obstacle imaginable. Ho, ho, ho, hum.

First ...this ...hit play and enjoy some music it whilst reading:



All I know is that if American Idol fell on a holiday, I think they'd have the decency to take a night off. But I love you, Amazing Race, and I'll watch you no matter when you air. And you weren't on the air last Sunday ...and I was sad ...even though I was watching Survivor, which makes me happy ...I was sad. I was torn.

Last night's episode saw the 5 remaining teams operating on limited sleep ...I think they stayed awake for 30+ hours straight. Awesomeness always happens when you throw sleep deprivation in with extreme stress ...but ...when you combine it with an email from home, you've really got yourself an emotional stew ...yummy.

Unflappable TK almost ...almost ...looked flapped. He needed to go air born 5 times to see the next clue spelled out in a farm field. This after his girlfriend left their first clue at some coffee shop. And if that wasn't enough ...he acquired a flesh eating bacteria. No. I'm kidding. They got a flat tire. Surely I thought this hippy was done fer. But, no. He triumphed and changed that flat tire. And then he punctuated this feat by saying, "and they didn't think I could change a tire!"

Huh! Do you have enemies back home whom use this to degrade you, TK? Relax. Lots of people would struggle to change a tire.

I think I know what's in TJ's backpack. Pot. Lots and lots of pot. Remember, they did have a leg that went through Amsterdam ...need I say more?

We saw some emotion from Bad Dad when his daughter read an email from his other daughter. You could tell this really choked him up. He was, obviously, very sad she wasn't there with him so he could tell her how much he hates modern technology and then chew her out for her poor grammar and spelling in that email. Instead, he took it out on his Racing daughter. Next week she really gets it.

What else? Oh ...yes. CBS made Dumb Dumb and Grandpa get tattoos? A ridiculous "F F" tattoo, at that! Can you believe that? That's harsh. Tune in next season where the Fast Forward includes branding or that crazy African tribal ritual of lip or ear drum stretching. Geez, Burnett. Give a guy a break. Oh ...and I apologize for the picture at the left, but I just wanted to make sure everyone knew what I meant in my lip-stretching joke.

Kynt and Vyxxen annoy me. I'm bummed it was a non-elimination round. I would've liked to see them eliminated. Sure, they're goth ...looking ...but very little else about them is "goth." Couldn't they speak in 14th Century English? Or cut each other or recruit a man-slave or something during one of these legs? Their shtick has gotten boring. "Looking goth" is not what the show's producers had in mind, I'll bet. It would be like having a Charlie Chaplin impersonator or a mime-couple on the race ...you'd expect them to stay in character or something. I mean, damn ...how awesome would the race be if Vyxxen dragged Kynt around with a dog collar and leash for a leg? Imagine the look on Phil's face - and how high he'd raise his eyebrow - if Vyxxen forced Kynt to sit and beg just before stepping onto the mat at the end of a leg? Imagine.

Well, no, actually, I don't know what "goth" people do to be all "goth" and stuff. Kynt and Vyxxen aren't doing much to break down barriers for goth-people, I guess. I just assume they act like freaks all the time and do freaky things.

Well ...that was that. Kinda awkward to wish you all a Merry Christmas just 50-words after I envisioned a woman walking a man on a leas and 200 words after I posted a picture of a disgusting, stretched out lip, but so be it ...Merry Christmas!!! That's right! I said it. This blog will not succumb to the "war on Christmas!" I won't go all "Happy Holidays" and stuff. No way! I'll say it, again ...Merry Christmas. Bam!

Happy Holidays (note to potential sponsors: I've relaxed my stance on the Christmas thing, already).

Merry Christmas II

There's nothing on TV and I've got to write some stuff for spunkybean (which you're reading, right?), so I guess I'll just dump some random stuff here ...

WINNING: The Pistons over the Celts - in Boston. It was hard to ignore the Celtic's 20-2 record heading into last night's game. The national media has certainly yawned at the Pistons being good ...again ...and they were sooooo happy with their shiny, new, green, east coast toy. Would I have put all the stock into this game if the Pistons would've lost? No. So I won't change my tune because the 'Stones won, either ...but it was nice.

DOMINATING: Spartan Hoops. 11-1. With their easy victory over San Jose State last night, they're well, well, on their way to a great season and another run in March. Last year we fans struggled along as they worked their asses off to get 20-wins. This year, it all seems ho-hum. The team looks grown-up. Like they know what it takes to win. And, hell ...they were playing their bench last night late in the game and even they looked hellagood.

CAROLING: I'm just feelin' so darn Christmassy ...I have a song in my heart. Just like Jesus and Santa ...

Merry Christmas

Since I can't send this to everyone I know in an e-card, I've posted it h'rrrrrrr. I'm damn glad I have a blog and everyone who loves me and cares for me checks it. Cuz ...well ...'Sheed and the boys have really expressed what's in my heart.



Is it any wonder I'm a Pistons fan?

My Daily Life

OVERHEARING: In the elevator this morning. Two women having a conversation and one says to the other:

Woman #1: "These little horses can live 20 years. But if they blow out a hip or sprain a knee, they just don't live that long. That's why they put tennis shoes on them."

Woman #2: "Really? Tennis shoes?"

Woman #1: "Oh, yeah. Tennis shoes tied up real tight. Keeps them fuckers from slippin' and fallin' on the tile or hardwoods. Its a horse! It don't do well when it ain't on grass. Gorgeous animals, but dumb shits when you take them off grass or dirt."

Well, I'llllllll be. I searched the internet and there's all kinda pictures of tiny ponies wearing shoes. Waddya know? You really do learn something every day. Sadly, dumb shit ponies, apparently, do not.

FIZZLING: My interest in Clash of the Choirs. I think I realize what it's like for my friends in their 30s to be dating. They really want to like the new person they're seeing. They want to be falling in love and be the next eHarmony success story, but if it ain't workin', it ain't workin'. With the writers strike going on, the Christmas season re-runs in full swing, and American Idol still weeks away, I guess I was trying force myself to like something. I feel like, maybe, I didn't really give America's Got Talent, Dancing with the Stars, or Project Runway my 100% effort. Maybe I could've overlooked some serious shortcomings. I mean, hey ...the other shows I watch aren't perfect. Sure, I watch them, but they're not exactly Sopranos. Who am I to judge this show, right? Maybe there's a reason I don't have anything to watch after Thanksgiving, typically. I'm out there expecting every show to be American Idol or Lost, but truth is, they can't be. But if I don't truly love a show, shouldn't I wait for true love? I don't know. I'm just so confused. I guess it's true what they say ...that you're more likely to be struck my lightning than find a show you love after the age of 30. That's what they say, right?

Maybe I'll give Ice Road Truckers a call. It really is a nice show and my parents think it's so darn charming ...yes ...maybe I will. Does anyone else her string music?

Clash of the Judgements

SURVIVOR: If you had asked me 7-weeks ago whom I thought was going to win Survivor, I'd have told you emphatically, "I don't have any idea! Why would you think I know that?!?!?! What? You think I have nothing better to do than 'project' (and I'd have made air quotes and leaned toward you showing you my crazy eyes) who's going to win Survivor!?!?!?"

I was having a really bad week. 6-weeks ago, however, I would've said James. And though I thought Todd was playing the game quite well, I thought the tractor trailer load of hatred and resentment he was collecting virtually eliminated him, entirely.

But ...with a pathetically insecure-acting chick on his right and a skinny, do-nothing, forked-tongued Olsen twin on his left, he had set-up the only scenario in which he could win. And, he did.

Dammit! I won't be happy about this for a while. If ever. And the only reason I'll watch this predictable show again is because (a) there'll be nothing else on TV if the writer's strike doesn't end and (b) because I'm addicted.

I'm happy James won the fan vote. And, um, I'm happy Mark Burnett gave Mullet-Fu $50,000. That was odd. Though, I really do feel bad for her. She's so sweet and innocent she probably didn't understand that 95% of America has television sets so when you look like you do, talk like you do, talk about how poor you are, how much you regret your life ...ouch ...I'll just say its hard enough being in school when you're a kid and being teased sucks. I know ...cuz I teased alotta kids. But imagine being an adult and still having 5th graders make up poems about your name? And instead of them knocking books out of your arms, they kick over your cleaning bucket and steal your plunger.

Geez, Burnett ...couldn't you have given her more?

Next season we'll get Fans v. Favorites. Nice. An inspired combination. I get it. I'll watch. Will Rob & Amber get another shot? That'd be great. Though I know most people didn't like them, so probably not. I have a better idea. How about they bring back all contestants who were voted out in the first 2-weeks of their respective seasons? Or they bring back the most inept contestants in the show's history?

CLASH: What am I doing still writing about Survivor? How can that be when there's a new show on TV that's about to become the best show on TV. Clash of the Choirs premiered last night and, while I wasn't actually sitting and watching it and it was simply background noise while I painted, I was caught up in the choir storm, immediately!!!

First, it's on NBC. And NBC should be supported through this difficult, post-Cosby, post-Friends, post-Seinfeld era when they can't seem to crack the top-10 with any show. Second, you have to watch just to hear host Maria Menounous. She laughs ...always. If a judge makes a funny quip ...she laughs. If someone says something constructive ...she laughs. When they come back to her LIVE from a clip featuring a woman who talks about being domestically abused ...she laughs!?!?!? And then I laugh. Third, you have to watch because Blake Shelton says the goll darn funniest ding dang things you ever gonna hear. Every time! The tabloids talked about how Marie Osmond had a writer just off camera always feeding her lines. I'm pretty sure Blake Shelton has a team of writers throwing him lines. Leno's writers, maybe? Larry the Cable Guy's writers? I'm guessing there's no less than 30 writers standing just off camera throwing bits of paper in front of him. What a hoot!

You gotta feel for Michael Bolton. It ain't his fault he's from a small home town and there simply wasn't enough people in the town to form a choir, period, let alone being good singers. They roped in a 77-year-old woman and sang for a charity, so no one could go Simon Cowell on their gawd awful choir-singing asses.

This show will get you through the next few weeks, I think. I'm guessing its coming back, right?

My wife walked into the room and said it best ...Clash of the Choirs is proof that American television is, suddenly, on par with Telemundo and Univision. I'm going to pitch Saturday Giant to a network, post haste. That's all that's left.

I also saw ads for Celebrity Apprentice. Man, I don't want to watch this show ...but I will. Sorry ...I won't even attempt anything snarky or humorous. I'm just saying I'll watch this ...and I'll hate myself ...like a heroin addict hates himself.

And, seriously ...if this show can get on the air, my show will.