McCain Picked a Mate; I Wrote a Joke (and other stuff)

Oh ...woo hooo ...phew ...hold on. Let me catch my breath. I wrote a joke. OK. Ready? Get this. Read it. Copy & paste it, and email it to all your friends. I'm a comic genius.

JOKING: Many people are scratching their heads as to why and how McCain picked Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin. Well, his advisers told him to pick someone far removed from D.C.

Get it? Alaska is far? Tell me that wouldn't work on Leno. Well I don't care. I included it in spunkybean's What a Week It's Bean feature.

RUNNING: Running. And, running ...running ...let's get it stawted in herrrr, let's get retawded in herrrr! Remember I mentioned I was doing another Bump n Run? Well, I did it last Saturday after two days of drinking and very little sleep. I got outta the gate strong. Then my energy levels crashed. Then I got lost. Then I did battle with a Man-Bear-Pig (half man, half bear, half pig) and managed to finish in the top 12. Boo yah! Here's an awesome picture of me. Results follow. My wife, my sister, brother, sister-in-law, and my cousin all turned out as well. I'm not one to brag, but I could if I really wanted to. I'm just sayin'. Have a great holiday weekend.

Race Number	Last Name	First Name	Race Start	River Crossing	Lapse Time	Finish	Lapse Time
73	Culbert	Jason	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:07	0:37:30	8/23/2008 10:15	0:45:17
122	Wyczyk	Jimmy	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:09	0:39:15	8/23/2008 10:20	0:50:12
108	Cook	Ken	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:13	0:43:01	8/23/2008 10:23	0:53:03
87	Rzepka	Mike	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:13	0:43:50	8/23/2008 10:23	0:53:10
104	Howard	Niles	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:15	0:45:04	8/23/2008 10:28	0:58:53
81	Licari	Yolanda	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:16	0:46:02	8/23/2008 10:29	0:59:11
76	Freeland	Carrie	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:16	0:46:02	8/23/2008 10:29	0:59:34
91	Weber	Matt	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:15	0:45:02	8/23/2008 10:29	0:59:51
71	Bogan	Krystal	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:16	0:46:03	8/23/2008 10:30	1:00:17
86	Phebus	GW	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:16	0:46:01	8/23/2008 10:30	1:00:29
79	Kowalewski	Don	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:45	1:15:01	8/23/2008 10:30	1:00:42
111	Stepulla	Joseph	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:15	0:45:07	8/23/2008 10:30	1:00:57
94	Gustafson	Kelsey	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:15	0:45:03	8/23/2008 10:31	1:01:00
115	Carlin	Nic	8/23/2008 9:30	8/23/2008 10:16	0:46:03	8/23/2008 10:32	1:02:09

Another Post I Might be Forced to Take-Down (or edit cleverly)

I don't get enough sleep. I don' t have enough time in the day to get things done. How does anyone ever get anything done?

SCHEDULING: My day. This is kinda new. Here's how it looks...

5am-5:20a - wake, drink water, coffee, empty dishwasher
5:20am - drink water, shower, shave
5:40am - writing/blogging/ spunkybean admin stuff
6:50am - pour milks, set table, get breakfast ready
6:55am - have my breakfast, watch The Daily Show/The Colbert Report from night before

(somehwere around here, my children make their way downstairs, I give them their breakfast)

7:15am - clear dishes, send kids upstairs, wife gets 'em dressed
7:40am - leave with my oldest for school
8:10am - arrive at work, mostly do work
LUNCH - if no lunch, write, blog, surf
5pm - leave for home
5:15pm - arrive home, change clothes, dinner
6:00pm - playtime
6:45pm - kids get baths/showers, get ready for bed
7:00pm - start kids's show/snack
7:30pm - my youngest goes to bed
7:40pm - my two oldest go to bed, story, prayers, song
8:00pm - phew ...me time ...usually go running, do Pilates, or lift weights (that's right ...I'm a he-man ...the weights are totally heavy)
9:30pm - "Hi, dearest wife of mine. How are you? What's new? Wanna watch some TV?"
10:30pm - bedtime, read, fall asleep

Throw in mowing the lawn or any minor chore, and the whole thing's outta whack and I'm giving up something.

Hard to believe I actually read a book about keeping a blog and it was titled No One Cares What You Had for Lunch, and yet this is my blog entry, today.

Oh, wait. But I have a point. The point is, I want you all to feel sorry for me, while simultaneously being impressed by me. If even one person is impressed by me, it makes it all worth it. Feel free to leave comments expressing your adoration and admiration of my discipline.

WATCHING: Nothing. Literally. The Democratic National Convention, sure, but its boring. I have to agree with Rush Limbaugh (though it pains me). I can't wait to see Obama and the Greek columns he's going to set-up on stage.

WISHING: A happy birthday to my most loyal, most beautiful, most ass-kickin'est blog reader. This person cares about my daily schedule, I can tell you that. Happy birthday, li'l missy. This is my little birthday song wish to you, very special person...



I almost went with this other one. Tune in tomorrow for reports of my running and writing prowess.

Call Girl

Ya know I'm flattered that somebody actually called me to make sure everything was OK and to find out why there hasn't been a new blog entry in nearly a week. Here's to you, girl.

REDIRECTING: To spunkybean, as I always do. I contributed to a very insightful, smart piece on Mad Men. It's practically poetry.

PILING: Up. My to-do list is getting overwhelming. I got bees living behind every shutter on my house. Gotta kill 'em. I got weeds all over my lawn. Gotta kill 'em. I got vacation photos sitting on my PC that I gotta upload to Flickr. Gotta share 'em. Need to write more, need to move the piano, need to work-out, need to read something, need to do my will, change my exemptions, drink more water, sleep more, call people, and spend more time with my family. It never ends.

OVERWHELMING: The fact my 5-year-old started Kindergarten, today. Call me emotional, but this is huge. Part of me feels like I've failed her. Me, my kids, and my wife are spoiled. My wife doesn't work, so the three kids are always home. Pre-school was four-days-a- week last year for my 5-year-old, and even then only 9am to 11:30am, and the kids mostly played and painted and stuff. Kindergarten is like real-world. Gotta wake the kids by 7am so we can leave, every day, by 7:40. Then she goes until noon. Ya know? Grades, peer pressure, rich kids, poor kids, nice kids, mean kids, well-adjusted kids, whack jobs, nice parents, dickhead parents, people saying mean things, and older kids. Her elementary is K-thru-8th grade. Pre-school was just a buncha 4-and-unders. What if she struggles with reading? Or simple math? She still bites her nails when she's nervous. What if someone makes fun of her? My daughter is silly, at times, and what if she gets in trouble with the teacher? What if the teacher doesn't like her? What happens when her artistic drawings, all of which we cherish and applaud, aren't actually as good as other kids? Her life, so far, has been a ball of happiness and sunshine where we celebrate every small achievement, we sing songs, we dance, and we're happy all the time. Now what? There's gossip. There's cliques. There's competition. Hair gets pulled.

I need a rolaids ...or a shot o' whiskey.

Last year, kids in her class told her there was no such thing as Santa Claus. A buncha 4-year-olds!!! It broke my heart, but luckily she was absolutely insistent on the fact there was a Santa and "those boys are wrong, and I told them they were wrong." I'll admit I teared up a little bit when we walked by the mall-Santa and my daughter yelled out, "I love you, Santa. I know you're real!"

I'm not made of stone. That is the sweetness I worry will be trampled out of her in the cold, hard world that is 'school.' Remember ...every troubled kid in your H.S. was once a wide-eyed, dreamer. Even the slutty girls have fathers who love them ...but things happen. Horrible things. Like square-dancing in music class and kick-ball in gym class. brrrrrr. I have chills.

Mixed in with the lumps I guess we all take, there'll be lots of super proud moments like Santa-affirmation- moment, too.

But, life happens. Life smash happiness. Life make daddy have ulcers. Life no like smiles.

I think The Dark Knight may have gone to my head. Gotta remember, I don't live in Gotham. I'm sure everything will be fine.

Dorkin' it Up for You

What does it say about a man's life when his entire day can be made simply by seeing a sneak preview of the upcoming season of Heroes and by perusing the newest cast of The Amazing Race? I don't know, but I'll bet that man has no friends, pale skin, and he still parts his hair in the middle. Me? I mean ...I like this stuff, but it's not like my world revolves around it ...aheh ...uh hum ...ah ha. Yes. So ...Heroes. Here you go.

PREVIEWING: Heroes. By all accounts, I shouldn't like this show. I'm not a 'superhero' guy, per se. But this show found its way onto my radar when my brother kept calling me and shouting, "Dude! Heroes is awesome! You gotta watch this show. It's like Lost ...kinda." (You can see why I haven't recruited him for spunkybean) So, there was this one weekend where I had some sorta surgery and could do nothing but sit on the couch and SciFi Channel just happened to be running the Season 1 marathon in anticipation of the debut of Season 2 on NBC. So with nothing to do but sit on the couch and apply ice to things, I watched. And got hooked. And before there was spunkybean, I used this very blog to recap the episodes each week in a way only I can. For example ...upon watching this preview, I was struck by only 2 things ...where's that mimicking chick and I can't believe they just invented a 'level 5' and an even newer, more evil villain. Must be awesome to be a writer on this show ...fresh outta ideas? How 'bout a man who can jump like Wonder Woman. Bam. More shows and more seasons. Oh, yes. The preview.



AMAZING: Race. Check out the new racers. Then check back, cuz I'll be joining spunkybean's EJ and Myndi who always pre-judge reality show folks in pre-judging these people. I'll show you to your seat when you get back.

More tomorrow when I'll attempt "magic" posting.

What Do You Do When You Have Nothing to Write?

I like to think the fact that I don't blog daily separates me from crazy people. Like it makes me the strong, silent type.

CUTTING: My hair. Today. Trim, style, and salon grade conditioning.

DIETING: Sucks. A sensible breakfast, lots of water, and some trail mix leads to one thing - craving a McDonald's double cheeseburger. It only costs $1.10. If I borrowed a quarter from 5 people, I wouldn't even have to spend my own money. But ...no ...must resist the urge. Must ...enjoy ...my banana and yogurt, have some more trail mix this afternoon, and survive on my energry-electrolyte drink, plus a Clif Bar right before my evening run (with my running club). I never got those wash board abs, but there's still time to complete Project Washboard. I won't eat dinner until after 8:30 p.m., and I think the plan is to have a baked potato with butter, sour cream, and steamed brocolli ...I hope I can resist the urge to hit Wendy's on the way home.

REDIRECTING: The summer is long. The original programming is growing scarce. But, luckily for Mad Men, I still have some weekly appointment viewing. If you aren't watching this show, you should be. If you are watching this show, you are my friend. If you aren't reading my recaps on spunkybean, you should be. If you are ...spread the word. I'm not sure why everyone else loves this show, but I love it in large part because of its setting in the advertising world, the world where I earn a living. It's spot on. Especially Roger Sterling's quote, which I featured in the article, but it bears repeating...

No regrets, fellas. We were in it. Tha't the important thing. Don't you love the chase? Sometimes it doesn't work out (shrugs shoulders). Those are the stakes. But when it does work out? It's like having that first cigarette. Head gets all dizzy. Your heart pounds. Knees go weak. Remember that? Old business is just old business.

I've been in sales and advertising for 12 years - this pretty much sums it up. I don't know if I should be proud or saddened by myself.

PREPARING: For running. Another Bump N Run is this coming Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. The fact that it comes after a business trip into Chicago for a Cubs game and a long night of dining and drinking, followed by a day of golf and "things-that-go-along-with-golf" and I won't be home until late, late the night before the run isn't making me overly optimistic. Mainly, if you see me ...give me some water. Jeff Watters promised that this will be the most difficult run of the season. Oh, joy. So, with that I'm even more proud of my sister, and now my brother and his wife (aka sister-in-law) who might also be running. And so might my cousin A.B. and his wife (aka cousin-in-law). To them I say ...catch me if you can. And watch out for my vomit. It'll be a rough ending to the week.

HUGGING: My son. I know Mad Men is not real and is scripted. But when you see a little dude like Bobby Draper portrayed on screen as nothing more than mischievous and curious, it makes you wonder if, at times, you might be overly parental or overly stern with your own son. Trust me ...these little-boy creatures ...they are work. Very different than little-girl creatures. Girls are made from sugar and spice, and all things nice. That's what little girls are made of. Boys are made of snips and snails, and puppy dog tails ...and probably some bull horns and cougar teeth, and the blade of a circular saw ...and battering ram. Snips and snails? Point being ...I need to become a little boy, myself. I gotta wrestle and fight with him. I've got to put sticks in a stream just to watch them float away and enjoy the chaos-theory in action. I need to break things with my son. And then fix them. We'll have to pull a prank on Mommy and his sisters. That's what we'll do. Cuz if he doesn't do those things with me, he'll find his own trouble on his own time with other people, right? But, this morning, for starters ...I started with a hug.

HIT & MISSING: The blog this week. As I've mentioned, I have a cool job ...sometimes. This week it's cool because my 'work' will take me to Chicago for a rooftop Cubs game and more, and then Friday to a company golf outing. Don't be sad for me. Just know you might not see daily wisdom from your favorite "Don" towards the latter part of the week.

Guard talk, tomorrow. As well as a classic journal entry.

DonniEgo and His Amazing Friends

I have a chicken-and-an-egg scenario for you? Do I have amazing friends because they are attracted to my awesomeness, or is an awesome person like me attracted to other awesome people and, thereby, befriend them. I've raved about a friend who has unleashed an incredible photography talent. Then there's my awesome wife. I have links to blogs on the right-hand side of this page and all of those people are awesome. My writing staff at spunkybean is awesome. Talented, funny, creative. And now there's this other guy ...wanna hear about him?

GENERATING: Revenue. On a family-friendly-PG-13 blog such as this, I cannot share many (read: any) stories about my buddy Nick from 1997-2007. Well, I can tell you he's a ball of energy, incredibly smart, shorter than me by almost a full-inch (hahahahahah!), he's had some kick-ass jobs and has traveled all over the country and the world for work and pleasure. He laughs at everything I say, which is great. He's smelly. And bitter. But when all is said and done, he's an immense talent. If you need a salesman who's a bulldog, who won't be out taking in afternoon matinées, busting out of the office early on "appointments" and/or Facebooking all day long, Nick's your guy. Wanna know how I know this? I hired a private investigator to follow him around for the last 4 years. It's cost me quite a bit of cash, yes. Betcha wonder if I have someone following you around, eh? I'll never tell. Anyway ...Nick. Talented, short, smelly, smart, bulldog! He led an effort to generate revenue for the radio stations down in Miami and ...well ...judge for yourself ...it worked, he kicked ass, and this dude's "star" continues to shoot. If you want to know how "great" generating $3 million dollars in additional revenue is, just know that big annual accounts at a radio station group usually bill about $300,000 (like in Chicago for example). So, drop $3-million dollars onto a group of stations in Miami, and assume most of this money isn't being shared with any competitors, and you can see why Nick drives a solid gold car and sleeps on a mattress stuffed with cash-dollar bills! Hats off to you, Nick.

READING: Writer's Digest. Another awesome friend asked me to help him move, and so I did. And so appreciative was he of my immense strength and power while lifting heavy stuff, he thanked me with the gift of mail. Mail in the form of a magazine ...Writer's Digest. You can, now, fully expect to see a book, screenplay, and a television script from me by Christmas. Mainly, because this magazine has re-inspired me.

SIBLING: Also awesome is my sis who is gonna run the August 23rd Bump n Run I may have mentioned. She's always been awesome, actually ...its not as if her signing up for this race vaulted her from ho-hum status to 'awesome.' No, sir. She's awesome, always. But its now twice as awesome because my whole family's gonna be runnin', climbin', exercising, and having fun together on what should be a beautiful Saturday.

WATCHING: The Olympics. Who isn't? Is there anything else even on TV worth watching? How 'bout that Michael Phelps? Can you believe the Chinese women's gymnasts might be under age? Under what age? I don't know. But it's scandalous. Synchronized diving is odd. Our basketball team is terrific. Yup. Awesome. Well, that's my report from the Olympics. The best Olympic coverage is being done by Rob Riggle of The Daily Show. See you tomorrow, loyal readers.

The Return of Guard Talk

You may recall my brother works at a grocery store in the 'hood and his store employs a security guard who, in my mind, is just like the janitor on Scrubs, but not as witty. The security guard often engages my brother in conversation and usually the dialog is tremendous. It's been a while (my brother must be avoiding said security guard), but it's back. Everyone's favorite telemarketing scam buster was at it again.

The DonniEgo Community Theatre Players
present
The Crazy Conversation V & VI:
G= The Security Guard; B = My Brother

G: Hey, Don's Brother.

B: Yeh.

G: This guy was in here looked about like me. He was you know like me (waving his hand over his head) ... this tall.

B: Oh.

G: I was walking behind him and he turned and said, "Hey stop following me." I said, "How could I, I just got here". You know I was just coming through the store and I was definitely not following him (my brother believes this because the guard does not follow or notice anyone suspicious, ever).

B: 'Kay.

G: I just walked in the store and I may have been going to the bathroom and maybe I was behind him, but I was not following anyone.

-End Scene-

READING: A new magazine given me by blogosphere friend, Vox Acerbus. It's totally awesome and I surely will an accomplished writer in no time.

REDIRECTING: You. To my Mad Men column at spunkybean.

Sorry for such a short, pointless entry (because my entries are soooo pointed, usually). I'll do better tomorrow. Maybe I'll write something about Michael Phelps ...that should generate traffic and patriotism. Blogs need stuff like that. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Random Lamma Lamma Ding Dong

DISGUSTING: My coffee. I just grabbed coffee from the break room and it tastes like soy sauce.

REMEMBERING: I forgot to tell you something. While some may be "Athlete of the Month" ...some others of us are just badass, kickass athletes all the time. For example, in the July 26th Bump n Run. I finished 14th out of 70. I know ...not too shabby. There aren't any photos of me in the current photos section, but I'm hoping "more photos" is updated soon. I made super serious and cool faces when I knew a photographer was locked onto me. One time I even struck a Hulk Hogan Hulkamania muscle pose and I want to see how that turned out.

THINKING: It would be really, really cool if a photographer shot this event in exchange for sponsorship credit on the t-shirt, the web site, and in the bag. 60 or 80 people are going to run the August 23rd Bump n Run, and 30 or 40 friends and family members often join us afterwards and before the race. So, it might be fun. If a photographer asked me to approach Jeff Watters and GLTeams, I totally would. Well ...I'd ask my "Athlete of the Month" to ask. And if he took a buncha cool photos, I'm willing to bet at least one egomaniac would buy pictures of himself looking all awesome running in a river and stuff. And really ...what's the point of getting in tip-top shape if you don't wanna show off with, say, boudior photos.

CREATING: A super hero. He's called Button Man. My son created him out of thin air. And he's a heckuva a super hero. He basically makes magic buttons (ala Captain Feathersword) and puts them all over his person. Each button gives Button Man a new capability and he invents a new button in a new place whenever he hears of a new super power or superhero (ala Sylar, Heroes). One button makes him run fast (Flash). One makes him fly (Superman). One turns him into ice (Iceman). One makes his fingers into guns. Button Man is a lot like Inspector Gadget, actually, but his buttons aren't finite. They are infinite, I guess you could say. My nephew created his own superhero and calls his alter ego "Fin Shark" and I thought that was about the coolest, most creative thing I'd seen. Fin Shark is basically the creature from the Black Lagoon, but with shark-like features. Its very funny (and cute). Then, my son, without prompting, came up with his own superheor, too. I can't wait for this Halloween's photos showing these two 4 year old cousins as their favorite superheros ...Button Man and Fin Shark. I have a good mind to make a mini-comic book about these two. If only I knew someone who liked to write stories and random things in his free time. I'll find somebody on craigslist, I'm sure.

REALIZING: I can't draw. My first attempt to draw Button Man looks like a man with measels ...not buttons. Work in progress. Stay tuned for the adventures of Button Man & Fin Shark.

DECIDING: I will have to go see Tropic Thunder in the theaters. It looks too funny and is drawing so much criticism, it has to be good. Plus, I laugh every time Robert Downy Jr.'s "character" (a big distinction between the man and his character in a comedy) says, "now we up in the big leagues" to his platoon-mate. I understand satire and realize this is so completely over the top, it will have to be hilarious.

FORGETTING: The most brilliant part of this blog entry. It was going to be awesome. Something about "creating" and being inspired and changing the world. Instead, I had to end on a "a man in black-face is funny." Not good.

Fore!

It was a busy weekend with too much to tell. That is, if I was the type of guy to write in complete sentences and full thoughts. But ...what if I just bullet-pionted the highlights? Let's try it.

PARKING: I mentioned Friday that I was parking cars on my lawn for the PGA Championship. I did. I made some phat cash. However, the neighborhood turned into a battle zone where price cutting, customer stealing, and neighbors were pitted against neighbors to attract parkers. I, living a few blocks into the neighborhood and unlikely to get any drive-by parking, advertised by email and then also held a sign down on the corner of my street. Some sort of Neighborhood Parking Union was formed and I suddenly found myself labeled a 'scab' in this parking marketplace. I parked people for cheaper and with better quality - wouldn't block them in, provided free coffee ...and dental. Someone called someone a "wench" and worse right in front of my 5-year-old, and cops threatened to barricade both entrances and shut down the entire neighborhood if we all couldn't get along. My neighbor and I were so angered by the neighbors who were close to the entrances that we were fully prepared to offer parking for "free" just to screw everyone. It was horrible ...but fun ...and in the end, we made enough money to pay for a babysitter, a movie, popcorn, and pop. We also have a little left over to get some stumps ground. I know. I'm boasting about my extravagant purchases, but so be it.

WATCHING: Golf. When I wasn't locked in battle with neighbors over $5 parking spots, I was watching stuff. Notably ...golf. Friday and Sunday. Friday I took my 4 and 5 yr old, and Sunday I took just my 5 yr old. Two of the pro's gave her a ball, and one guy (Tom Lehman) had his caddy track my daughter down and give her a golf towel.

WATCHING 2: Batman. Wow. I'm not the first to describe it that way, nor will I be the last. But I'll bet I'm the first to describe it this way ...magnirifficly deliciousome! The Dark Knight is the best super hero movie I've ever seen. Not suitable for anyone under 13 years old, I think, but if you are "of age" ...you'll love it. This Joker was like Hannibal Lector in that he made you hate him. Made you sad that any writer or director could write such a character into existence, and then equally horrified that an actor (Heath Ledger) could make him believable - even though he's fictional to begin with. But you get my point. I was fully prepared to roll my eyes at times, fully prepared to say, "those geeks who saw this are total tools ...that sucked." Ya know how it goes ...someone says, "it was the funniest, best, and scariest movie of all time" and you see said movie and (a) you don't laugh and (b) you never, ever would consider seeing it again. Well ...me? I can't wait for my son to turn 21 and I can safely take him to see Dark Knight and sleep comfortably at night knowing it won't be my fault when he ends up a serial killer. Yes. That's how I'll define success when my children grow up ...by the fact they aren't serial killers, I'll feel like I did a great job.

BRAINSTORMING: A funny character on a sitcom would be a no-good son who's a serial killer and won't move out of his parent's house. Or, maybe put him in a movie.

Father: Geez, Billy. You can't do this to your mother and I. We've told you, if you are going to continue to keep body parts in the freezer, we're going to have to ask you to find your own place. A 24-year-old shouldn't be living at home. You need to get out and meet people ...and not kill them. When does it end? 8 victims? 11? You can't do this your whole life. You just can't.

Billy: Awwwwww, Dad. Leave me alone. I have an interview this Thursday. I'll find something soon.

REGRETTING: Writing that. It's not funny. Hence ...I don't currently have a writing gig for a sitcom or for a late-night talker. I suspect my wife will ask me to take that down. Look for an edit later.

APPLAUDING: My wife. I know ...too shmaltzy and smoochy for you all, but she was named "Athlete of the Month" and I think that's pretty dang cool.

BOASTING, BRAGGING, AND REDIRECTING: This last point is multi-faceted. First, I'm going to tell you again how awesome my friend Darrin is and his budding photography career is. Darrin Wassom is awesome and he's a talented photographer who sat on his talents for nearly 40 years. Lucky for him, its only 40 years, and if he lives another 40 years, imagine all the amazing things he'll do and capture in pictures. Second, I'm going to tell you I think my children are beautiful and cute, but not nearly as beautiful as the kids Darrin shot. Believe it or not, the lighting in my house does not show my kids in sepia tone or black & white - it takes a man with talent and a keen eye for defining a moment to do that. So, finally ...I'm going to ask you to look at my gorgeous kids. And to hire Darrin.

Tune in tomorrow for less shmaltz and more humor ...if "humor" can be defined as something found on this blog.

Back from Vacation ...let's Call it a Blog-cation.

Nearly two weeks since I blogged about anything. Gosh. This is awkward. Like when you meet a chick at a bar and say you'll call, and then you don't. And then you want to, and you mean to, and you still don't. And then, damn ...two weeks have gone by and ...talk about awkward. Well, I'm the kinda guy who'd call. So consider this blog entry my 'phone call' and you 'that-chick-I -met-at-the-bar' in this analogy. Don't be that way. I really, really liked you and can't wait to hear more about your hilarious cat.

VACATIONING: I meant to take a buncha notes and have a million things to write upon my return. I didn't. I observed only the following ...

1. I'd like to win the lottery. Some people will say you'll appreciate your money more if you earn it ...I say nope. I just want to be rich, live on a lake, and drive my pontoon boat around all day.
   
2. I make great sand castles, complete with towers, moats, and a marketplace where serfs and peasants can peddle their wares. My kids don't seem interested in learning about the Feudal system and mainly want to knock the castles down.
3. Running on country dirt roads is fun and more rewarding that running in a suburban neighborhood ...or away from cops.
4. My friend is an awesome photographer. Hire him.
5. The Chrysler Town & Country is a brilliant vehicle. Buy one. Or laugh at me and pity me because I just wrote that.
   
6. I need to buy a bigger memory card for my camera.
7. I miss the serenity of washing dishes by hand rather than loading them all into a dishwasher ...and I miss how soft the dish soap makes my hands ...look ...I soaked in it.

DISAPPOINTING: Well, that wasn't nearly as therapeutic as I had anticipated. Guess I should've taken notes. But make sure you check back often ...I have much more of myself to talk about.

WATCHING: Mad Men is finally back. Woo ...hoo! I love this show. So much so, I'm writing about it over at that thar spunkybean. Check out our first round table discussion. I promise ...next week, I'll write as if English is actually my first language. My point was ...Mad Men has influenced fashion more quickly than any basic cable show in history. I doubt Breaking Bad's Brian Cranston will have the same effect.

PARKING: Cars on my lawn. For the PGA Championship which is at Oakland Hills Country Club - a mere 5 minutes from my home. No, it's not like that. I'm pretty sure the members there would bull doze my neighborhood given the choice because the odor of "middle-class" and common folk grilling ground chuck (as opposed to the ground sirloin I'm sure they eat) makes them a little bit sick. But when a major golf championship or event comes to town, my neighborhood turns into some sort of merchants bizarre with people selling their lawns as parking spots, selling waters, snacks, coffees, t-shirts, and handing out Gideon's bibles. Well, I'm gettin' in on that action, too. My daughter's made $14 in lemonade sales. If you are coming to the event, email me and reserve a spot.

HOUSEKEEPING: Tuck in that shirt. Run a comb through that mop. Brush your teeth. Stop ending your sentences with prepositions. I'm going to be including some super important people on my random DonniEgo spam email and invite them to read my incoherent ramblings ...I want this place to look respectable. Ahem. Hi, J.H. and B.B. Yup. It's like this all the time. Can I offer you a caffeinated beverage or some salty snacks?

Hit 'em straigh, y'all.