Fore!

It was a busy weekend with too much to tell. That is, if I was the type of guy to write in complete sentences and full thoughts. But ...what if I just bullet-pionted the highlights? Let's try it.

PARKING: I mentioned Friday that I was parking cars on my lawn for the PGA Championship. I did. I made some phat cash. However, the neighborhood turned into a battle zone where price cutting, customer stealing, and neighbors were pitted against neighbors to attract parkers. I, living a few blocks into the neighborhood and unlikely to get any drive-by parking, advertised by email and then also held a sign down on the corner of my street. Some sort of Neighborhood Parking Union was formed and I suddenly found myself labeled a 'scab' in this parking marketplace. I parked people for cheaper and with better quality - wouldn't block them in, provided free coffee ...and dental. Someone called someone a "wench" and worse right in front of my 5-year-old, and cops threatened to barricade both entrances and shut down the entire neighborhood if we all couldn't get along. My neighbor and I were so angered by the neighbors who were close to the entrances that we were fully prepared to offer parking for "free" just to screw everyone. It was horrible ...but fun ...and in the end, we made enough money to pay for a babysitter, a movie, popcorn, and pop. We also have a little left over to get some stumps ground. I know. I'm boasting about my extravagant purchases, but so be it.

WATCHING: Golf. When I wasn't locked in battle with neighbors over $5 parking spots, I was watching stuff. Notably ...golf. Friday and Sunday. Friday I took my 4 and 5 yr old, and Sunday I took just my 5 yr old. Two of the pro's gave her a ball, and one guy (Tom Lehman) had his caddy track my daughter down and give her a golf towel.

WATCHING 2: Batman. Wow. I'm not the first to describe it that way, nor will I be the last. But I'll bet I'm the first to describe it this way ...magnirifficly deliciousome! The Dark Knight is the best super hero movie I've ever seen. Not suitable for anyone under 13 years old, I think, but if you are "of age" ...you'll love it. This Joker was like Hannibal Lector in that he made you hate him. Made you sad that any writer or director could write such a character into existence, and then equally horrified that an actor (Heath Ledger) could make him believable - even though he's fictional to begin with. But you get my point. I was fully prepared to roll my eyes at times, fully prepared to say, "those geeks who saw this are total tools ...that sucked." Ya know how it goes ...someone says, "it was the funniest, best, and scariest movie of all time" and you see said movie and (a) you don't laugh and (b) you never, ever would consider seeing it again. Well ...me? I can't wait for my son to turn 21 and I can safely take him to see Dark Knight and sleep comfortably at night knowing it won't be my fault when he ends up a serial killer. Yes. That's how I'll define success when my children grow up ...by the fact they aren't serial killers, I'll feel like I did a great job.

BRAINSTORMING: A funny character on a sitcom would be a no-good son who's a serial killer and won't move out of his parent's house. Or, maybe put him in a movie.

Father: Geez, Billy. You can't do this to your mother and I. We've told you, if you are going to continue to keep body parts in the freezer, we're going to have to ask you to find your own place. A 24-year-old shouldn't be living at home. You need to get out and meet people ...and not kill them. When does it end? 8 victims? 11? You can't do this your whole life. You just can't.

Billy: Awwwwww, Dad. Leave me alone. I have an interview this Thursday. I'll find something soon.

REGRETTING: Writing that. It's not funny. Hence ...I don't currently have a writing gig for a sitcom or for a late-night talker. I suspect my wife will ask me to take that down. Look for an edit later.

APPLAUDING: My wife. I know ...too shmaltzy and smoochy for you all, but she was named "Athlete of the Month" and I think that's pretty dang cool.

BOASTING, BRAGGING, AND REDIRECTING: This last point is multi-faceted. First, I'm going to tell you again how awesome my friend Darrin is and his budding photography career is. Darrin Wassom is awesome and he's a talented photographer who sat on his talents for nearly 40 years. Lucky for him, its only 40 years, and if he lives another 40 years, imagine all the amazing things he'll do and capture in pictures. Second, I'm going to tell you I think my children are beautiful and cute, but not nearly as beautiful as the kids Darrin shot. Believe it or not, the lighting in my house does not show my kids in sepia tone or black & white - it takes a man with talent and a keen eye for defining a moment to do that. So, finally ...I'm going to ask you to look at my gorgeous kids. And to hire Darrin.

Tune in tomorrow for less shmaltz and more humor ...if "humor" can be defined as something found on this blog.