American Idol

...and soon there will be seven.

I guess I knew alot more about Latin music than I thought. Apparently Latin music is pretty much defined by Jennifer Lopez, Gloria Estefan, and Santana. I'm guessing this is the equivalent of defining Hip Hop & R&B by performing the songs of the Fresh Prince, Sammy Davis Jr., and Living Color. Sorry, just being honest.

To say that there might be a shocker this week is not a stretch, but a great singer might be going home.

DOOLITTLE: Sang "Sway." I actually had to look this up to make sure it could classify as Latin. Yes, it was written by a Mexican band leader. I thought this might be a case where an American band leader tried to rip-off some Latin culture by putting bongos in a song and calling it a day - in the same way adding steal drums to any song makes that song Calypso. Back to Doolittle. I'm going to take a page from Simon's book. Imagine that an elementary school has a talent show and the teachers are allowed to perform. Mr. Doyle, 5th Grade, does magic. Mrs. Bocci, Librarian, juggles and rides a unicycle. The students love it. But the highlight is Mrs. Doolittle, 2nd Grade. Everyone has always heard she can sing so they can't wait to see if she is better than her interpretations of 2nd grade classics. Mrs. Doolittle raises a few eyebrows from the PTA with her song choice, but in the end, it was safe enough for 1st graders and 6th graders alike and Thomas Jefferson Elementary goes bananas!!! Compared to the magic act and the 4th grade girls performing Jessica Simpson's "Genie in a Bottle", Mrs. Doolittle was way, way better. But on American Idol, this night ...she was only so-so. There's a real chance she'll be in the bottom three.

LAKISHA: Not good. Not Sanjaya-style horrible. But, not good. I hope, for her sake, they quickly get past these gimmicky weeks - Top 40 Songs That Gwen Stefani Likes and Latin music. Do you know why Whitney Houston doesn't cover Latino songs and why Luther Vandross never cut a country CD? Because it would've sucked. Watching Lakisha have to do this crap makes me sad. She or Doolittle could be in the bottom three ...hopefully they can survive.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE #2: I thought I would hear a Latin classic such as "Livin' La Vida Loca" or "She Bang" before I heard Santana. Guess not. JT2 doesn't interperate the artists he covers, he channels them and impersonates them. Not the worst idea ...Bo Bice and Daughtry each made it pretty far by doing it ...but channeling Rob Thomas doing a duet with Santana won't win you a record contract.

LEGBERG LEGGENSTEIN: There is another show on TV right now called "The Next Pussycat Doll." Interestingly enough, the next Pussycat Doll is right here performing on American Idol. Fox gave a knod to the pervs at home by slowly panning from her feet, up her legs, and then onto her smile. Simon gave her credit for capitalizing on her strengths. Me too. But I swear, if I get tickets to the American Idol Summer Tour and she dares to wear anything but short shorts and/or skirts, I will boo her right off stage. If she makes it to next week - and I'm putting her in the bottom 3 - my wife hit the nail on the head ...she should wear a thong.

BALDY-WHO-SOMETIMES-WEARS-HATS: All I can remember from this performance was the horribly weak attempt by the guitarist to play guitar like Carlos Santana. One thing I like about American Idol is that the show sometimes reminds you how incredible the voices of Whitney, Mariah, and Aretha actually are. When you see someone butcher "Run to You" you can't help but further admire the great voices in music history. Same here with the guitar riff ...sometimes you can't appreciate Santana, Eddie Van Halen, or Ace Freely until you hear someone trying to duplicate something they've played. Bottom line ...it was so bad, I laughed. Bottom line, part 2 ...Baldy will be in the bottom three. This appears to be his greatest talent ...surviving the bottom three.

BLAKE: When he walked on stage I thought, "too bad 311 didn't cover some Latin jam ...he's screwed." But, instead, he went out and had the best performance of the night. He wore a hat to steal the people-who-like-hats vote from Baldy and he definitely stole the suburban-white-pre-teen vote from JT#2. Top 7, here he comes.

LINEBACKER: OK. I think her name is Jordan. She may be the next contestant's name I learn. She was the 2nd best performance of the night. So good, I think she'll steal votes from Mrs. Doolitte, 2nd grade, and Lakisha. I hate to break it down like that, but that's how I think the voting happens. What's odd about this season is that there's no country-guy/gal. If there were, he/she would be walking away with the show.

SANJAYA: This week he morphed into a Latino stereotype. This may be the week that he, at least, finds himself in the bottom three. You see ...VoteFortheWorst has it right there in the name: "worst." Thing is, Sanjaya wasn't the worst this week. Aside from the Idol producers secretly paying him to quit, the best thing for them would be for Sanjaya to suddenly learn how to sing, perform, and start taking this seriously. What fun would it be if, by the end, Simon and Randy warmed up to him and then he actually starts selling millions of CDs. The "joke" wouldn't be funny anymore. I don't think he'll get voted off (if the rumors of all of India voting for him are true), but I would not be surprised to see him there (finally).

Predictions ...bottom three will be Baldy, Leggy, Sanjaya (Doolittle could replace Sanjaya). Booted ...Baldy.

274% Increase in General Theories

Do you know what's wrong with the country? American Idol. And do you know what is soooooo right with this world? American Idol. Stick with me ...I'll explain.

I read an article today that medical prescriptions for drugs used to cope with ADD and ADHD are up 274%. That floored me. A buncha Grumpy Old Men* will use that headline in the same way I will, now.

* Grumpy Old Men defined: Politicianesque critics; out of touch; unwilling to embrace new ideas; your Uncles (if you are a middle-class suburbanite)

Yes. ADD and ADHD is real. Many people have it. Treatment is great. However, we all know many people don't have it, but are diagnosed with it and given medication. Ask any teacher and they will probably tell you they have 1 of 2 kids in their class that need it, but 2 or 3 kids who's parents are using Ritalin to get out of actual parenting.

Believe it or not, I know someone who buys Ritalin from a friend just because Ritalin makes them feel better. This person doesn't have ADD ...he just wanted to quit drinking coffee. True story.

It ain't hype to state that we are an overly medicated society. Example 1: John Doe is fat ...hey ...take a pill. Example 2: Jane Doe has high blood pressure and high cholesterol ...hey ...here's another pill. Question that should be asked: Can a person lower his/her blood pressure and cholesterol through diet and exercise? Answer that should be given by a doctor: Yes ...but you'll have to change how you live. Typical conclusion: Screw that!!! Gimme the pill.

I'm goin' somewhere with this ...trust me.

Personally, I work hard to control my cholesterol and blood pressure (and probably my undiagnosed ADD) with diet, sleep, and exercise. My resistance to taking meds is not isolated to those categories. I actually avoid meds for colds, flu's, allergies, and pain, too. That's mostly just me being crazy (I know that). I do this because I don't like chemicals in my body. I theorize (and gravitate to studies and theories that support my views) that with enriched flours, hydrogenated oils, and countless unnamed chemicals in our food, we poison ourselves daily.

Now we come to the payoff.

We don't care. We want to be happy and we want to be happy, now! We want to be famous, now!

And so goes my theory: EVERYTHING WRONG IN THE WORLD IS EPITOMIZED BY AMERICAN IDOL!

Want to lose weight? There's a pill. Want to eat a salad? There's a bag. Want to be a famous recording artist? There's a show.

Guilty. I watch (and love) American Idol. Who doesn't? I love it and I hate it all at the same time. Just like I love and hate pop-music. American Idol shows you, first hand, what the teens and twentysomethings think. It is sad. Parents tell their kids how great they are, all the time, insulating them from all of life's dangers and heartaches. These kids then conclude they are the next Mariah Carey. Why? Because Mom said I can sing. Mom doesn't tell them about the real work and dedication that almost any artist is forced to put into their craft. The extreme sacrifice it takes to succeed. Kids-Today* think success is a 13-week mini-adventure. I actually read an article (I can't find the link) where a trend is finding parents calling their 20-something college-grad's boss to negotiate a raise or ask for more vacation. Yes. The article sourced multiple occurrences. It's actually a "trend."

* Kids-Today defined: anyone younger than me who I determine just doesn't "get it*."

* "It" defined: Whatever my opinion happens to be at that specific time.

But it also depresses-slash-scares me that I cross busy intersections with these same crazy people. I thank my maker that you rarely see an airline pilot or chief surgeon on Idol, standing and singing with crazy eyes, tone deafness, and completely lacking a grasp on reality.

Luckily, these kids won't be taking my job - oh wait ...unless they live in India. Oh wait ...that's Sanjaya!!! Good lord ...our next pop-icon-American Idol is being outsourced, too.

The end.

American Idol

I gotta get this recap done. I think my blog is about to hit the "big time!" I suckered some other blogger to link my "American Idol" recaps to his blog. We have a great arrangement. A-Nickel-for-the-Swear-Jar talks about every other show on TV ...I talk about this one.

LAKISHA - Kicked off the night in grand fashion. No point in belaboring the fact, but the girl can sing. Period. And she's losing so much weight, she's starting to become legitimately attractive. I voted for her. Hopefully she doesn't suffer from what I call the "first forgotten performer effect." Meaning, the singer that goes first, many times, ends up in the bottom 3. Watch it. It happens. BACK-UP-SINGER-GUY-WITH-AFRO was first performer - he got booted. SHORT-HAIRED-BLACK-GIRL went first or second, last week ...and she's gone. It's a real phenomenon.

NOTE TO A.I. PRODUCERS: Put Sanjay first, next week!!!

FAT-SIDESHOW BOB - Normally, I don't get on people about their weight cuz, hey, we're all fat. However, if you want to be famous, sell records, and you want to appear on magazine covers - which I'll assume is why you tried-out in the first place - you had better know what "sells." Fat don't sell. If you think about it, this guy knew he was going to be here before Christmas. All the try-outs were done and he was already in the top-24. He knew he could sing ...couldn't he have started mixing in 100 ounces of water every day and cut his carbs? Yes. Hey ...he showed us his wedding photo ...he actually had a chin at one point. A guy this overweight could've easily cut 30 pounds since Jan 1. Look at LAKISHA and many past contestants (McPHEE, CLARKSON). They went to Hollywood and Hollywoodized their bodies and their looks. Hell ...even Aiken tried to hide those ears ala Baby New Year and he mussed-up his hair. Sadly, FAT-SIDESHOW ain't gonna make it. He butchered a The Police classic because he has no "soul" and he just ain't trying to make himself a pop-star.

RED-HAIR-ROCKER-CHICK: Good. Very good. She'll be back next week. Every week she gets voted through, the chances I'll get to see her in Playboy drop and drop. Hey ...there's always FHM and Maxim, right? Bascially, she can't make the top 5 or I'm outta luck. If she's reading this: next week ...dress more slutty.

SANJAY'S HAIR: Awful. Horrible. Everyone knows it. So does he. It's gonna make this show a joke if he wins ...but still be awfully funny. I hope he goes first, next week (see LAKISHA). Get used to seeing him. He's this year's William Hung.

DOOLITTE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She sings great. Has no neck. Acts surprised she's getting compliments. Owns the songs she sings. Makes them her own. Sings Donna Summers with the greatest of ease. I like her "shtick" better than the look-at-my-hair-shtick or the look-at-my-super-hot-legs-shtick of some other contestants. OK ...I actually really like the look-at-my-legs-shtick. Basically, Doolittle ain't goin' home this week, but as Simon is known to say ..."forgettable."

JUSTIN #1 (BEAT-BOXIN-JUSTIN): This week, he became a part of my consciousness and I know his name. Henceforth, he will be referred to as "Blake" in my reviews. His performance last night of The Cure's "Love Song" was great - Paula doesn't need to know that he actually did an exact version of 311's version from the "50 First Dates" soundtrack. I just want to on record with Blake in saying, "you didn't fool me." However, you fooled my wife, Paula, Simon, and probably Randy - unless any of the member's of Journey work with 311 - and 95% of America. They're all thinking, "wow ...look how he remixed that goth-80s hit to sound all edgy-reggae-two-thousand-and-sevenny." 311 already did that ...but credit him for not messin' with an already good remake. Just like the Jamiroquai jam he did. I mean, I love Jamiroquai, but 95% of Americans really don't know who he is. So when he covers these tunes he sounds original. I give him props. Oh, and do you think Fox will really give him trouble for singing two words from that No Doubt song?

HOTLEGS McLEGERSON: She was so bad this week, I actually heard her singing over her legs. For her, that's bad. She needs to keep her singing average-to-marginal and insist the camera and lighting highlight her legs. In fact, is it within the rules for her to simply strut around on stage to a musical number, sanz words. Legs.

BALD GUY: Sometimes contestants try and cover classics and crash n burn. Most times, in fact. Bald Guy would do well to cover Michael Bolton every show that he can. Last night he sounded like Michael Bolton covering The Police's "Every Breath You Take." *sigh* I have to give credit where credit is due though ...he was decent. But my analysis stands ...he should approach every performance from this point forward by asking himself, "how would Bolton sing this." You have to admit, Bolton has done alright for himself. 40something and 50something women love him. If Bald Guy can capture the Bolton-Fan vote, he'll win.

LINEBACKER GIRL: She made a non-vocal song good. I like her. If she could just shrink a little, she'd go from "nice looking for a big girl" to "darn cute." Are there any really tall female pop stars? If you know of any, leave them in Comments. Thanks. Linebacker was good, though. Even Gwen Stefani said that. She took a song that nobody should sing in a singing competition - because its more about the reggae-beat-dancability - and sang it. How do you spell "dancability" anyway? I like her. I hope she's back.

JUSTIN #2 (NON-BEAT-BOXING JUSTIN): Unfortunately, by the time he sang, I think we (America) were pretty much tired of Donna Summer or No Doubt songs. So when he fired up with "Don't Speak" he was pretty much passed with Tivo. He was in my house. I think he falls into the category of you don't hate him, but you don't LOVE him, so he's gotta hope his family and friends really hit the phones and text messaging. There are American Idol contestants who make fans and grow their fan base every week and their votes grow and grow - Lakisha, Fantasia, Underwood.

Then there are the Justin #2s who probably get the same 120 votes every week - from Grandma, her bridge club, his cousins (the girl cousins), all the teachers he ever had, his ex-boss, and his brother's kids. You see where I'm going? They have good fan bases based on who they are, the lives they've touched, and where they live - you can probably always count on your home-town to vote for you. But these contestants can't get Donniego and his wife in a Detroit subburb to vote for them. They just can't. Not when this lovely couple is already voting for Blake, Lakisha, and Legsy Legenstein.

My revised predictions have Doolittle beating out Lakisha, but Blake (now that I know his name) could make a run. Never, ever, ever discount white-suburban-teen-America ...and they'll be voting for Blake.

Goin' Larry King on ya!

I've always hated when noted authors and columnists, suffering from a case of writer's block, take the easy way out and ruminate on a dozen or so topics just to fill space.

Man, I hate that.

If every family has its "black sheep" and mine doesn't seem to have one, wouldn't logic dictate I am the "black sheep?" What was it? That crazy haircut in high school? It was a phase. I'm normal, now - or so my therapist, psychic, life-coach, and imaginary friend tell me.

Better Made makes wavy chips, now. Morally I'm opposed. Physically and visually, I give props.

In this country, all you have to do is bring something up and people determine its an issue and take sides.

Heather Mills is on "Dancing With the Stars." I was unaware that she was a "star." Does that mean anyone ever associated with Paul McCartney is a "star?" Just asking, as I'm his stalker. NOTE TO SELF: Blog an entire entry on this topic and the modern world making celebrities out of thin-air.

TO DO: create my own Internet hoax. I recently thought about writing a very detailed "warning" - those always seem to get forwarded - from a Sgt. Something or other about starting your dryer right before you go to bed. I was going to say that prowlers watch for dryers that are left on and they clog them with rags so that the carbon emission from the dryer cannot escape, but rather fills the house and makes the residence there lethargic and unresponsive. Then, they come in and steal stuff.

Hey ...it's no more ridiculous than a Nigerian billionaire leaving me millions or believing that boycotting gas stations for a day will affect giant oil companies.

I bought a book on blogging and it said to incorporate more pictures into my blog. The book also said a blog should have direction and purpose.

I watch too much TV. I blog too much. Crap! I didn't even have a dozen things to fill a page.

Blog a Movie with Me

I wanna make a movie (and who doesn't) but I only have a few, barely rounded-out ideas. I know I want the opening credits to feature Zombie's "More Human than Human" and the closing credits will fade out as "White Flag" by Dido plays (already contributed by a friend of mine).

Other than that, I have a few "must use" lines, but not much more. So, if i can rally a buncha creative friends who, no doubt, also have some movie ideas, scenes, and dialogue ...well.

I contend a movie will write itself. I'll edit all the ideas into a manusrcipt and start pitching it to studios.

Have an idea? Go to Blog-A-Movie, start "commenting" via the link at the bottom of the first entry. As the comments and ideas grow and grow, and the comments start to cement an idea, I'll organize it a little and create another post - to keep us "on point."

So ...let's hear it. Plot? Climax? Twist? Cameos? Start anywhere.

The First Rule of Write Club . . .

. . .you don't talk about Write Club. Because it's too completely geeky.

But hear me out.

I love TV. I came of age in the infancy of cable television and my generation shaped the future of TV and the TV world you know today. We did it!!! Pre-teens and teens of the 80s!!! WOO HOO!!! We are GenX!!! Hear us complain ...er ...uh ...roar! Or something. We don't know how the phrase goes, of course, because we don't ...um ...read.

Ironic that I actually write so much on blogs even though I have such little faith in my generation to actually read it, eh? Trust me, if I could just talk on camera and post it on YouTube, I would (my sitcom ideas and my talk show concept have also been rejected/ignored by the big networks, as well).

Back to my love of TV. I love it. Society, however, would let you believe that TV rots the minds of the youth, causes A.D.D., and a buncha other stuff I can't remember - not because of excessive TV watching, dammit! What would educators and health professionals suggest instead of TV? Exercise, for one. OK. Well, that's sound advice. But old-curmudgeons will tell you "in their day" they had appreciation for art, music, and literature. Well, what is TV if not the complete fusion of all three!!! This has always been my argument. If paintings and pictures on a wall are good, if music played by a band or orchestra is good, and story structure and creativity delivered in a book is good ...well pictures set to music over a story is the best, yet!!! Pictures set to music over a story ...hmmm. What is like that? Oh, I know. TV!!!

People are afraid to embrace this medium because of what so-called-intellectuals keep saying about it. We must stop this injustice. A Nickel For the Swear Jar weighed in (sprayed bile), too. So accurate his assessment, I had to ask myself if perhaps I wrote it myself.

And then I thought ...what if I did write it myself. This author loves TV, loves "Lost", has a sister, incredible wit, and a fantastic writing style. He even has some of my same friends. What if I'm like Ed Norton in "Fight Club" and because of my split personality and frustration with daily life, I've created an alter ego, but in actuality, my alter ego is just me. A guy who wants to be in "Write Club" ...though actually I am the leader of "Write Club."

Well, until I start hopping flights and trying track down that blog author and come to the realization, while holding myself at gunpoint, that he is me, I'll just enjoy the writing and revelations there. Note: I hope I stop before I shoot myself through the cheek ...I'm too vain to have such a lifelong scar.

Last night, "Idol" bid farewell to SHORT-HAIRED-BLACK-GIRL, but the bigger surprise was that the bottom-two did not contain Sanjaya. Worse yet, when you go to see Idols Live this summer, you're going to have to sit through Sanjaya butchering something. Sad, sad days ahead.

"Lost" is good again ...meaning ...things are actually happening. My alter ego reviews it better than anyone.

"Survivor" took the twist I'd hoped it would. I ask you ...do you think Probst and the crew review all the footage at the end of every day? I do, now. They saw that one tribe was helpless, about to be systematically picked off at the merge, and changed the whole game. After last night, I firmly believe this happens.

Someday when I get picked for "Survivor" I'll use this to my advantage. I will also surgically implant a lighter in place of one of my fingers ... moohahahahhahahaha!

The second rule of Write Club is - you DO NOT talk about Write Club.

Blogging about it is totally cool, though.

American Idol

Here is my recap of American Idol from March 20th, 2007. My favorite show.

I have many opinions on American Idol. I'll share one.

What does it say about our society that "Dancing With the Stars" and "American Idol" dominate the ratings? Do you really wanna know? It shows that America still loves a "variety show."

Think about it. What's the difference between the The Carol Burnette Show, The Sonny & Cher Hour, Donnie & Marie, or even Lawrence Welk and "American Idol" and/or "Dancing with the Stars?" All those old variety shows featured witty banter (Randy, Paula, Ryan, Simon), singing (AI), and dancing (Stars). The masses - which includes your's truly - feel we're above the old cheeze fests ...but actually ...we aren't. It's the same show just dressed up as a "competition" so we think we're better than we were 30 years ago. American Idol even goes so far as to bring marginal "stars" back to sing, promote a new CD, and engage in "sketches" - don't believe me ...check the dialogue between Peter Noone and Ryan in regards to Simon Cowell. Sonny Bono and Terry Bradshaw have nothing on these two. Would you rather see David Hasselhoff sitting in the audience (crying) or would you rather see him in a bad-not-funny Knight Rider or Baywatch sketch? Bottom line ...it's the same cheese on a different platter.

So ...last night. What happened?

HOT LEGGY CHICK. Wow! I guess she was singing. Not sure. I only remember a hot chick in Daisy Dukes strutting around the stage. She's through to next week. "Hotness" has its privileges. I voted for her ...148 times.

SHORT HAIRED BLACK GIRL. To quote Simon ..."forgettable." I know the tall black boots looked horrible with her aqua dress and there's no way she'll win.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE #1 (AKA NON-BEAT-BOXING-JUSTIN): Pretty good. Where'd he get that sweater? Randy liked him.

BALD GUY: He shouted another song at me. I didn't recognize the song. He was doing a Bo Bice meets Daughtry impersonation.

LAKISHA: I actually know her name. She's from Michigan. She was wearing $1million in diamonds ...wow! I only kinda knew the song, but she was awesome. The judges weren't overwhelmed and said she lost her "Lakisha" ...well ...what do you expect when you take a black woman from a forgotten industrial town like Flint with more soul in her pinky toe than in Clay Aikin's entire body, and ask her to sing some white-bread, soulless, 60s era British pop? Seriously! She is working hard, man! I can tell she's losing weight. She was awesome, anyway.

SANJAY'S HAIR: Was he wearing Michael Jackson gloves? Was a pre-teen girl crying because she loves him so much? Could Sanjay suck more? Whoa! Did you see his sister's tits? I'll vote for him just for more shots of his sister. YOWZA!

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE #2 (AKA BEAT-BOXING JUSTIN): Very good. He sounds a little bit like Morrisey. He does. You don't have to admit it, but he does. And he's a showman. I think Simon wants him to win. Simon could use a male pop-star in the mix. This was a great performance.

LINEBACKER GIRL: She's only 17. But, DAMN ...can she sing, or what?!?!?!?! 17 year olds have a tough time making anyone believe they've had that kinda heartache, but she was coached up very well by that Tulula chick. Linebacker was very, very good. I'd vote for her.

SIDESHOW BOB: Lose some weight or cut-out the walking around and stair climbing. I could tell he was outta breath. Very good voice. Very confident and self-aware. Could go far. Tough to say. He'll host American Idol when Seacrest finally quits. Just my prediction.

RED-HAIR ROCKER-CHICK: Quick ...kick her off so I can see her in Playboy. She's good, I guess. OK ...she's not. But she has a pierced tongue and you know what they say about girls with pierced tongues, right? OK ...me neither. But its kinda slutty and that's cool. She'll be back for at least one more week.

MELINDA DOOLITTE: Another one so good I actually learned and remembered her name. If this was the 60s or 70s, she'd already be a star. Meaning, nowadays you can't just sound incredible, you have to kinda look good, too. She just doesn't. Great, great voice. Great, great showmanship. I love her. I might even buy her CD if she redid some classics. But if she wins (which she won't) she'll have a tough time sellin' albums, ala Taylor Hicks. I'm just sayin'.

I still think the winner of this season is going to be a black woman. I'm not going out on a limb, I know. But I gotta call my shot. The two Timberlakes and Sanjay are gonna split the white-teen-suburbanite vote and pave the way for Lakisha ...I love her. She's still my clubhouse leader.

Flat on My Back

If I'da had a blog back in 2005 - before they were invented, I think - this bizarre story would've made it on there. This happened about a month-and-a-half before I actually was hospitalized with a severe lung infection. But at the time ...it just seemed like a funny story.

Dateline, Saturday, Labor Day weekend. We left the Michigan State game at the end of the the 2nd quarter and the kids were asleep before we even got off campus (my kids were 2 1/2 and 1 at the time). The wife and I kept driving and headed up north to her parents' place at Canadien Lakes.

My nagging cough continues to get worse. But I am just plugging through.

All five of Kathy's brothers and all their kids were there and we celebrated Jimmy's 1st birthday and had tons of food and cake. It was great. All (15) nieces and nephews, my two kids, all the brothers and their wives. Busy, busy. All but four of them stayed the night and we had a great campfire. Marylin, quite simply, LOVES her cousins and at age 2 1/2, she thinks she's a 5 year old when they're all around. It's very funny to see her "act" older.

Sunday we went to the beach for hours, played in the water, relaxed. The beach is a great place for a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. You plop 'em down, keep an eye on 'em, and you tie a string around their leg so when they fall in you can pull them out and they won't drown. But mostly, they keep themselves entertained the whole time.

Sunday night, everyone left, leaving only Kathy, me, and the kids for one last night. The evening was great ...but ...when I went to bed, my mother-in-law set me up on a "magic fingers" foam mattress enhancer. I told her it was not necessary and I'm always more than comfortable on the fold out without it. But she insisted. She bought it special for me. "OK," I said. What I didn't detect when I first laid down was that she had a queen-size version on a regular sized bed. She had folded it in half(ish) for extra thickness, but not completely in half. Only about 2/3rds of the way. So, I actually fell asleep on a ridge - at 11pm. Fast forward to 2am. I woke up PARALYZED!!! OK, so not really paralized, but I WAS in so much pain that I passed out while trying to roll out of bed and crawl down the hall. My back was spasming like crazy and I felt like Mike Tyson himself had punched me 20 times in the shoulder blade. I came-to about 2:20am. Yes ...read that again ...I passed out cold due to the pain. So I know I passed out for 20 minutes. Luckily, 1-year-old Jimmy didn't wake up - he was in the playpen near the couch - Kathy was asleep comfortably in another bed with Marylin. As I laid there, face down, with my back spazzing over and over and over again, and the pain of the Tyson-force punches still radiating just below my shoulder blade, I realized I had pissed myself upon passing out.

Have you ever wondered how much pee is actually accumulating in the toilet bowl while you're peeing? Well, I can tell you ...ALOT!!! I would say I was laying in a puddle of my own piss equivalent of a 20oz bottle of water. And it smelled like piss.

So, now, I'm face down, in major pain, laying in my own piss, and I still can't move because of the pain. And, for some reason, I still feel this responsibility to let my kids and in-laws sleep and I didn't call out for help.

2:35am ...I've had enough. My brain has decided that we're moving my body. I attempt a push-up. I nearly pass out, again. I start a coughing jag which causes more spazms. I'm in a half-kneel push-up pose, wincing, soaked in piss, and coughing like an 80-year-old man with emphysema. TRULY a site to behold. But I fought on.

Slowly I start crawling towards the tiny bathroom which I know has towels. Hand. Pain. Hand. Pain. Knee. Pain. Knee. Pain. And on and on for the 7 feet I had to traverse.

I'm not kidding when I say I was halfway hoping to pass out again and to just sleep it off.

I get to the bathroom pretty quickly and use only my arms to pull myself to a kneeling position in front of the sink/toilet station. I try to use as few back muscles as possible, but here's the thing ...human's backs are very important to almost everything a human does.

Like when raising an arm. Back muscles. When kneeling. Back muscles.

OK ...I'll post my exo-musculo-skeletal summary some other time.

Amidst all the pain, I'm able to get 5 towels onto the floor and somewhat clean up my mess at 3:05am. I think to myself, "I'll get back in bad and lay down."

I do. I immediately diagnose "the ridge" as the cause of my pain. And the bed, now, seems like a medieval torture device ...if a torture device would be a bed positioned on the ridge of a rooftop on a golfball.

3:10am I decide the ONLY way I'm going to even possibly get comfortable and get some sleep is to crawl into the bed with Kathy and Marylin ...a real bed. Off I go ...crawling again ...dragging myself on the ground, over the piss soaked towels, down the hall, through the room where my in-laws are sleeping, and out onto the additon/porch where Marylin and Kathy are sleeping ..warm and comfy.

I manage to crawl to our suitcase and get some dry-non-piss-soaked clothes out and then begin the near-impossible task of undressing myself while dealing with near-blinding pain and spazms.

Of course, Kathy wakes up as I'm butt naked on the floor next to the bed and she is like, "AHHHHHHHHH" ...(but in a whisper) ...and she asks me what the hell is going on?!?!?!?!

I respond with "COUGH" and "COUGH" ...then muster, "I'm ...para..." *(WINCE IN PAIN)* "...lyzed." But in a whisper ...*COUGH* *COUGH*.

Kathy rolls outta bed trying not to wake Marlyin, she doesn't know if she should be worried or mad or what. I try to explain what's going on, but we're both whispering and then I just beg her to help me get dressed and into bed. I tell her I'll explain in the morning.

It was then nearly 4am. I was dressed in fresh boxers and a t-shirt. I struggled mightily to get into bed and find SOME position that's comfortable. I'm not sure I slept more than 15 minutes at a time the rest of the night. I sat in one-spot for most of Monday while wearing a heating pad, coughing, and spazming. Kathy drove home. Spazming subsided. I was much, much better on Tuesday but still made a date with my doctor.

Isn't that fun.

Epilogue. One-and-a-half-months later I was hospitalized for 5 days with an advanced lung infection that had filled my lungs with fluid and pushed against my spine. I got better. I will not poo-poo such warning signs in the future.

If You Don't Know Your Past . . .

I heard a young radio DJ make this reference: "...it's like Queen Latifah and that Dad-from-American-Pie."

I screamed at my radio,"That Dad-from-American-Pie?!?!?!?!??!"

They went on and on, "who is that guy?" "He's made a career doing bit parts," they said. "Hollywood is full of these guys that find a niche and make a great living doing it."

He has a name, dammit! It's Eugene Levy. There aren't many comedians with a longer resume. And he's boiled down to "That-Dad" and "niche-actor." Granted, these past 6 or 7 years, he has played quite a few roles as a Dad, but there was about 30 years prior to that and these kids didn't seem to recognize that work - or even know about it.

This is what's wrong with kids-these-days. They don't know history - and I don't mean Magna Cartas and Nixon's Vice President-type history. Kids seem unaware that pop culture didn't start in 2001 and there was actually stuff on TV, on the radio, and in theaters before the year 2000. Before there was Zach & Cody, there was Ralph & Ed, Laurel & Hardy, Abbot & Costello, Martin & Lewis, and Keenan & Kel. But I wonder how many 12-year olds think that Zach & Cody are trailblazers?

There is a disconnect in this country that we need to address, and it ain't the falling math & science scores that worry me. I'm talking about the education at home. If your kids are going to watch, on average, 3 hours of TV per day, make it count.

I was watching the Grammy's (the best one ever televised, by the way) and Lionel Richie performed. I theorize the nation's teenagers were wondering if that was any relation to Nicole Richie and, if they knew, did they think he was trying to ride his daughter's coat tails, or worse yet, did they just change the channel. Do they even appreciate that Lionel came first, is one of the most successful recording artists of all time, and because of the money he made and his absence from his daughter's early years that they even have Nicole as a pseudo-celebrity-role-model?

Betcha they don't.

My parents made me do alot of things I didn't wanna. Some I still resent (that's for my therapist). But some things ...well ...I guess I can never tell them how much I appreciate their guiding hand. Dad didn't let me enjoy Jackie Gleason as the cop from Smokey and the Bandit or the Dad-from-The-Toy. He didn't allow my brother and I to know Clint Eastwood as the fighting-guy-from-Any-Which-Way-You-Can. He sat us down and made sure we watched the Honeymooners and old cowboy classics. He educated us.

Mom liked The Beatles, and I could sing their entire catalogue. Dad kept his old records, too. Barry White, Ohio Players, and The Drifters. We didn't listen to pop music in the 80s until we had every song on the Oldies station burned into our grey matter. Only then were we allowed to listen to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson. We didn't come to know classics like "You're the First, the Last, My Everything", "Fire," and "Stand By Me*" from a TV-show, a commercial, and a hit movie. No sir. We knew the history behind those songs and those artists.

Many aging blowhards step onto soap boxes every day ranting and raving about the possible causes of falling test scores and obese children. Many of them blame TV, saying it leads to inactivity, attention problems, and difficulty with reading. I say, pratfalls perfected as a result of watching slap stick classics are better exercise than bike riding. Want them to read more better? Your TV has subtitles, right? Enable that li'l feature and you'll have a regular Matilda on your hands.

It's not "less TV" that is the answer ...it's "better" TV!!! Join my movement. Use your Netflix and your cable subscriptions to the fullest. Educate your kids on the TV classics and make this world a better place.

I wonder if those DJs know Queen Latifah got her start as a rapper? Oh, I'm sure they do.

*I know this song is technically by Ben E King, but to appreciate Ben E King, he tutored us in the musical library of The Drifters).

Peer Pressure Parenting

Remember how stressful highschool was ...peer pressure, acne, insecurity, and more cliques than an army of tap dancers (that's for my writing teacher)?

Well, you might find it sad/funny/interesting in that having kids, you get to experience it all again. Just when I thought it was all behind me, I forgot that I'll have to coach my three kids through it all. What's worse, I may have to deal with it again, too. More on that later.

I laid in bed last night with my first case of severe doubt on whether I'm raising my kids good/smart enough. A fellow 3-3/4 year old made fun of my oldest daughter. And it may have been my fault (for putting her in that position).

Here's the deal. Marylin had a hootin' hollerin' fun time handing out Valentines a couple weeks back. Then this past Monday she took little pieces of paper - 9 of them - and made cards for her friends. Why? Because of the pure joy she found in giving. An admirable trait. She literally sat at the kitchen table for 10 minutes (a long time for an almost-four-year old) and drew each one personally, each customized with a certain li'l friend in mind. Some had letters on them (Ms and Ls), some had criss-crosses, and some just had lines. She hand made them all and to me, her Dad, they were nine Picasso's as far as I was concerned. I said, "put them in your back pack." She excitedly did so. The next morning, she gave them out I presume she was awfully proud.

Later on that same day she had her friend, we'll call her Paris, over for a play date and when I called home I asked my wife to ask if she handed out her cards. Marylin said, "yes." Then "Paris" (that bitch) said, "she ONLY drew an 'L'."

"ONLY?!?!?!?" What? Are you kidding?

So this "Paris" chick is, apparently, the letter-writing champion of the world?!?!?!?!! Was Marylin sad about this? Did she even bat an eye? Probably not. But I was destroyed. What if my daughter was heartbroken?

Either way, my heart broke. What now? I should either (a) encourage more writing and reading so Marylin is better than everyone and so that her cards have many letters strung together in something called "words" or (b) discourage her from making and giving these heartfelt gifts so that her heart (and mine) don't get broken.

Break her heart now and that sets off the whole insecurity thing and will she be laughed at, never have any friends, dye her hair black, listen to The Cure (or the 2000s equivalent), and hang with "that crowd." She'll call me "Don" instead of "Dad" for heaven's sake. I can't have that.

Seriously ...she promised she'd be 3 forever and she's totally NOT staying 3.

And then what about me? I'm not from Birmingham or Bloomfield Hills (or even Oakland County for that matter). Maybe the parents (who I'm finding all seem to be from this area) will see me as an outsider. Maybe I need to pull "the ultimate prank" to ingratiate myself to the in-crowd? Maybe I need to make more money and buy a flashy BMW ...then I'll be cool. But what if BMWs aren't cool anymore and all the other Dads laugh at me and their wives say I "try to hard."

Well, here's hoping I'm reading too much into this, but just in case, I'm going to save the money I was going to spend on a new telescope and if the opportunity comes along to buy the friendship of the coolest-Mom when she spills red wine on her best friend's dress ...well, I can bail her out and she can pretend to be my friend and make me and my family "cool."

That would be rufus.

I Write the Jokes

I write jokes for nobody. Like Father McKenzie's sermons in "Eleanor Rigby" or Nowhere Man's plans in the song by the same name.

+ + +
gay advocacy groups were outraged at the Snickers commercial featuring two men almost kissing and Snickers immediately pulled that ad and went withtheir first concept ...two women almost kissing. the same gay advocacygroup released a statement ..."that's hot."

. . .laughter . . .

Snicker sales spiked 69 percent.

. . . moans . . .

gay advocacy groups actually were upset because they said "that was eventoo many nuts for our tastes."

* these jokes expire March 11th

Life Goals

I think a good place to keep track of my goals in life would be my blog. Just like my diet-get-in-shape progression. Currently ...no progression. I'm workin' on it.

Two goals for starters:

1. Become a Jim Rome Jungle caller and compete in the Smack-Off
2. Take great pictures