You can't stop her. You can only hope to contain her. The starship Jordin is about to launch. Or, as the horribly crafted audience sign said, "Jordan = *star symbol*".
I should probably address the "audience signs" as they have seriously annoyed me for all 6 seasons. Do people really make these signs, or do the show's producers make these signs and hand them out? My gut tells me its the producers. I've attended many sign-worthy-events in my lifetime - concerts, sporting events, commencements, and protests - and have never seen such poorly crafted, non-creative signs. The handwriting all seems eerily similar or feature glued-on letters and patches of foil. Either the signs are pre-made or they have a sign-making-station in the lobby of the theater with a few markers, some letter stencils, and foil. I hate that foil.
I'm sorry folks. I have to take a quick minute here. I'm having difficulty dealing with the end of this season's shows. By this time next week, there'll be no more Idol, no LOST or Heroes, and I think tonight is the last episode of Jericho (they're cancelling that show). I just received word that The Apprentice also won't be returning and, try as I might, I cannot get into Dancing with the Stars. I have the same feeling I got when I graduated high school and college. That sense of loss and nervousness about an uncertain future. To make matters worse, I've seen the articles on the Fall's shows, and nothing excites me. I don't wanna see Pirate Survivor or Kids-Build-a-Sim-City (not actual show names ...but these ARE shows coming this summer and fall). And if I don't convince myself that my weekly Idol recaps are of vital importance, I'll have no excuse to keep me from some of my other commitments - my book, my family, my job, etc.
I keep humming Boyz II Men's "So Hard to Say Goodby (to Yesterday)" in my head. So, forgive me. And I appreciate your sympathy.
There's alot I want to cover ...Paula's nose and Swiss-cheese excuse of tripping over her dog, Randy's-Jackson-Five-Victory-Tour jacket, the song-writing competition and the winning entry, and the performances, or course.
Even to the casual observer there's very little drama or question about tonight's result. It will be Jordin. Jordin the Jentle Jiant (which would make a great album title).
JORDIN: Despite my wife's insistence to the contrary, I cannot understand who puts her in maternity shirts for all her performances. She will win because of her ability to sing the cheeziest-cheezeball song written for the winner. She'll win because she had 3 B+ performances to Blake's 1 A+ performance and 2 C- performances. And, mostly she'll win because of the tear-on-the-cheek-cracking-voice-Bill-Clinton-overcome-by-the-moment stunt she pulled at the end of "Today is My Now." I don't care that she'll win, but it would have been nice to see a level playing field.
THE SONG: We should all just accept that the single released at the end of the season is going to be some cheezy, inspirational, overdramatic ball of cheeze. That this song will sound like something off The Best of Richard Marx is not a shocker. Not at all. But if you have a contest, I expect better cheeze, dammit. First, the song-writers looked to be about my age (34), right in the heart of Gen X. They hail from Seattle. My only guess is that right about 1991 when rock music changed forever, they simply couldn't grasp the grunge sound or attitude and, instead, were hell bent on writing the next "Love of a Lifetime" (Firehouse) or "Best of Times" (Styx). "This is My Now" was that song. "A rock ballad for the ages," they thought. "This song," they told fans in their monthly newsletter, "will define the 90s like Crue's 'Home Sweet Home' or Bon Jovi's 'I'll B There 4 U" defined the 80s." Trouble is, it didn't. Instead, that angry, disinterested, no-talent burn-out wrote some song called "Teen Spirit" and our songwriters were left in the dust. Lucky for Jordin, they never threw away the song sheet and ...well ...here they are.
Mark my words, I'm going to find someone who can write music and I'm writing the next Idol finale song. Something about wings, soaring, believing, love, puppies, cotton candy, dreaming, and Coca-Cola. I'll be a shoe-in.
BLAKE: Poor, poor Blake. If I thought he cared, I'd be a little more sad. I'm guessing he's mostly concerned about this summer Idol's Live tour and how many 18-year-old girls he's gonna ...um ...get to "sign his yearbook" ...if you know what I mean. Chris Sligh, Chris Richardson, and Phil Stacey looked like his frat brothers cheering him on at Greek Week's Battle of the Bands. They can't wait to start livin' like rock stars, even if they only are pseudo-pop-stars. His summer to-do list includes (a) date a Hollywood star, (b) drink alot, (c) party alot, and (d) have many romances (sorry, my parents read this ...I think). Blake has an outside shot of winning because of the voter-demographic-gender-age breakout, but very slim.
PAULA'S NOSE: Paula broke her nose "tripping over her dog." Damn! Where was that excuse when I was in college? You know who else tripped over his dog and sustained an injury? Brian Greise (NFL QB). Do you know who else? NO ONE!!!! Greise is a well-known drunk, and Paula is either a drunk or a pill-popper, we all know it, we've seen it, and you expect us to buy that she tripped over her dog? I'm going to start using "I tripped over my dog" more often.
RANDY'S JACKET: What a joke. Damn! I thought there was more to say.
Tonight will be the last show of the season. Jordin the Jentle Jiant will probably win. We'll get this year's David-Hasselhoff-Crying moment - you know its coming - we'll get quick shots of all the former Idols and cast-offs, and we'll enjoy a 2-hour freak show that is American Idol.
PREDICTED WINNER: Jordin.
1 year ago