Clean Up in Aisle Life

Keeping with my theme from yesterday, I continue to brace myself for the new year by setting up resolutions nearly a month early. Again, I say, why wait until January 1st to turn over a new leaf. Fat from the glut of "holiday" (I'm politically correct) cookies, parties, and reverie, joining a gym and starting that exercise routine is going to hurt ...alot. And when it causes you great pain (muscle soreness or injury), you'll quit. And when I say, "you", I mean the statistical 99% of everyone who decides on January 1st, as they struggle to button their pants, that they'll start working out and losing weight in the new year.

This goes for everything ...losing weight, quitting smoking, starting a hobby, or deciding to go au naturale on ones hair (see yesterday's post).

Start now. Struggle to start something (or quit something, though "quitting" something is "negative" and dooms you to fail ...The Secret). For example, on Thanksgiving, you're gonna "carb load" ...bread, bread, stuffing, potatoes, pie, and more bread. So, on Friday, eat light and then go for a brisk walk in the evening and you'll find that your body will thank you.

And it doesn't have to be running or exercise. Maybe you've been meaning to scrap book, write that novel, conquer your meth habit, or knock out a buncha home improvement projects. Use this holiday weekend to your advantage and get going on whatever it is yer thinking you might "start" in the new year.

Let's call it a "running start." There's some physics principle that states an object in motion tends to stay in motion, while an object at rest tends to stay at rest. So ...which person with an inspired list of 2009 to-do's will have a better chance at succeeding? The person with those plans and dreams already in motion? Or the other guy?

TRIMMING: Spam email and solicited email. This very morning, I unsubscribed to daily and weekly emails I get from Online Media Daily, Bed, Bath & Beyond, ACE, Smith & Hawken, Northwest Airlines, Mediapost, Media Week, iVillage, The Loop (a Chicago radio station), Ode Magazine, and Colony Marina (yes, I thought a 24-foot Sea Ray was going to be purchased at some point, so I was totally on board with receiving their monthly newsletters and immersing myself in "boating culture.") ...plus I reported as spam a half-dozen emails claiming they can get me super cheap Viagra. This is "fat" I'm trimming from my cluttered life.

See? I lose focus on the things I want to do when I bombard myself with distraction after distraction ...so reducing spam email and clutter is a start. Next up ...negotiate the sale of one of my 6 children. At least one of them.

ADDDING: A few things to my Christmas list at the right. Check back often.

DECLARING: How did I miss this? Rivers Cuomo released a second set of his early home recordings, Alone II: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo. And now I heard he's going to release a third volume. Ahem! Tops on my Christmas list, y'all. Check it.

***EDIT: Also just unsubscribed to Soccer.com, a leading soccer equipment sales and merchandise company. Who the hell needs weekly specials from a soccer equipment site?!?!?! ***

The Run Up to Thanksgiving and 2009

Many people wait until the last week of December to reflect back on their failures from the year. Not me. I'm a go-getter.

2008 was going to be the year I launched my website (have I mentioned spunkybean?) into the stratosphere, I was going to write 3 or 4 "spec scripts", get an agent, get discovered, and finish my screenplay. Instead, it became a year of mega fitness and I lost 20 pounds. And I did some other things that give me pause.

READING: Watchmen. What's that you ask? What about Atlas Shrugged? Um, have you seen that book? Pick it up, sometime. Use your legs (you'll get it when you see the book). Turn to page 43 and just do me a favor and read page 43 & 44. That's all I need to say. I'm sure the book was going somewhere and is deep and meaningful, but I didn't quite get there. Maybe Atlas Shrugged really started gettin' cranked up around page 371. I'll never know.

But ...I do know that Watchmen was good right off the bat. I've never read a "graphic novel" because it looks an awful lot like a "comic book", which is totally nerdy and not something "Don" does ...but this thing ...this Watchmen ...is good. It's dark ...ominous ...sad ...loathing. I can tell you its not even near as cool as the trailer "looks." I'm guessing I haven't gotten to "the twist."

I like using "quotation" marks, even if I don't use them "correctly."

WISHING: For things for Christmas. Not many of my loyal readers came through around my birthday. I thought famous people (I'm counting myself among them) with rabid fans got free stuff. I got nothing. But if you are so inclined, you'll note that on the right hand side of this page, I've made an easy to follow Christmas list. Please to enjoy.

RUNNING: Out of time/space. I have an awesome list of funky fresh fitness type things I'm going to do in 2009, and I still have to champion the efforts of my triathlete friend and what he did this past weekend. Check back tomorrow.

Environmentalist

GOING: Green. On my hair. Meaning, for the foreseeable future, I'm going "product free" where matters of my hair are concerned. This is immediately revocable if, in fact, I should see or hear of people pointing, staring, and/or laughing. I will incorporate a dab of Aveda Conditioning Oil, but that's good for my scalp, smells nice, and eliminates that initial "frizz" that comes fresh out of the shower. Nothing more. It simply jump starts the process of my bodies natural oils that usually take about 2 or 3 hours to naturally condition my hair. Don't worry ...I don't look like some Brylcreemed freak.

Fans of my hair may wonder "why" I'm doing this and, to be honest ...I don't know. Some dudes grow goatees or beards during hunting season or wintertime "just because". Me? I'm going to leave my coif alone.

I told you ...one entry every day. This is what that looks like.

I'm Rich (Again)

You probably get "spam" like this. Emails from some foreign millionaire or representative of an estate, claiming you are a long lost relative of someone in Africa and you are entitled to a share of a huge fortune. All you have to do is provide your bank account # or send money and ...voila! You'll have tons of money in return.

Sadly, some people fall for this. Including yours truly. Save for a few computer glitches, I'm guessing, I'm waiting on nearly $7.4 million dollars to be deposited into my account, any day now. More than worth the nearly $5,000 I've laid out ...but, after all ...these are long lost relatives. I feel I owe them.

Recently, I got this gem...

Dear Email Owner,
I am Mr. David Smith I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirmable Bank Draft of £600,000 Six Hundred Thousand Pound Sterling) but I did not hear from you since that time. Then I deposited the Draft with FedEx Delivery, West Africa, I travelled out of the country for a 3 Months Course and I will not be back till end of January.What you have to do is to contact the FedEx Delivery as soon as possible to know the delivery of your package to you because of the expiring date. For your information, I have paid for the delivery charges, Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Check showing that it is not drug oney or meant to sponsor terrorist attack in your Country.The only money you will send to the FedEx Delivery is to deliver your Draft direct to your postal Address is ($120 USD) only being Security Keeping Fee of the Delivery Company . Contact Person: Dr. David Grant
Email :fedex.delivery877@live.com
Telephone:+(234)7032452914
Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your
Postal address and
Direct telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the
Delivery and know when it will get to your address. Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Tony Page.

Now, before you go sending this cat $120, just know ...this was sent to me! Get your own trustee or long-lost-Uncle. Got it?

What do you suppose happened here? This is, by far, the most poorly written, least focused, and least clear letter I've received on one of these scams. I believe this is a multi-million dollar industry in Africa. The "unknown inheritance" business is the auto-industry of the continent, if you will. This "Tony Page" very likely worked for the biggest "unknown inheritance" firm in all of West Africa, for years, and just kept getting passed over for a promotion until one day, finally, he was like, "Screw this. These bastards won't promote me, and I just sit here monitoring emails all day waiting for some old American to fall for this crap ...and for what? A bag of rice and their 'word' that my village won't be burned and all the people in it killed?"

So one day, after a particularly bad performance review, "Tony Page" quit and decided he'd run his own fraud company and ...well ...that's the letter.

Good luck, Tony Page ...or David Smith ...or David Grant ...whomever you are. Your bosses were right to keep you on the administrative side. I'll say a prayer for your village ...see? I've seen Blood Diamonds ...I know all about Africa.

p.s. I'm just glad its not drug money. Otherwise ...well ...I'd be a little leery.

End of the Year BLOWOUT!

That's right folks! Everything ...must ...GO (echo, echo, echo). From now until the end of the year, my blog will be host to every random thought I had and never did anything with. Sometimes I'll take an idea and run with it, while other times I'll just give you the idea and leave it there.

Like this ...

JOURNALING: I'm 35 and less and less interesting, every day. Hence, many days can pass before I post an entry. But you know who's young and very interesting? My kids. I'm going to see if I can trick them into dictating diary entries to me each night before bedtime. No, not so that I have a charming record of their 5-year-old, 4-year-old, and 2-year-old thoughts and dreams. No, actually its so I can compile them and have a best-seller in bookstores by next Christmas. So help me, if they fail to amuse me or say anything clever, I'll find new kids with better observational skills.

CHRONICLING: American Idol stuff. Even though the actual American Idol season is only 18 weeks long, isn't American Idol the gift that keeps giving all year long? For example, the Davids both released CDs. Archuletta's annoys me. A stalker killed herself outside of Paula Abdul's house. Simon Cowell broke up with his girlfriend and gave her a $10-million dollar home and something like $4-million in cash. I should check those facts and write and article.

There you go. Every day. I promise. I'll be here for you.

Funky Fresh Fitness Friends

MOTIVATING: Loyal readers know that I recently competed in a triathlon, and that I've done tons of adventure runs this year, that I'm a proponent of barefoot running, and that my Project Washboard is about 70% complete. So, naturally you'd expect I hang out with all kinds of totally in-shape, totally buff, totally fit type folks. And your expectations would be spot on.

Like this guy ...Jeff Watters. You've see him mentioned here before. My wife is a member of his bootcamp, and I run in the events he hosts, and every now and then I attend a bootcamp in my wife's place. He wrote an article for Outdoor Athlete about a different approach to dieting and losing weight. Basically, its about setting goals - but not weight loss or caloric goals.

Your numbers on the scale will become a side effect of the training you're doing to reach the fitness level needed to complete your event.

You know how much I looooove (sarcasm) The Secret, but here's a place it truly applies. Focusing on "losing" weight, or "cutting" calories, or eating "less" keeps your brain in a negative realm. Instead, focus on eating "more" greens and whole-food. Focus on "increasing" your distances (runing, biking, swimming, moonwalking). Focus on "growing" your time spent exercising to include "more" variety ...ie stair, trail running ...pushups, lunge-walks, river-dancing.

I ran in Jeff's GLTeams "Cider Slam" and I dressed as Barack Obama. I ran the 7 miles in a navy blue suit, red tie, and my Obama mask. Well ...the mask gave way when I jumped into the river, but up until that point, it was pretty awesome.

NAMING: Names. This dude named Steve is the guy that gave me that push I needed to run a triathlon. So what if it was "only a sprint distance." I did it, therefore, its awesome. However, I'm awesome enough to recognize when someone does something more awesome than me, and that's what this Steve character is doing. He's training for a real Ironman and blogging "how not to train" for an Ironman. Track him, if you are so inclined. Or go leave a comment over at his blog and cheer him on, or ridicule him for being insane enough to bite off such an endeavor.

In case you aren't aware of the distances involved in an Ironman, you gotta swim the length of the Mississippi River, then bike the entire coast of North America, and then you run until your legs shatter and turn to dust. Good luck to Steve.

HEMMING: And hawing. Another crazy idea. I might start writing something really deep and thoughtful once a week. Maybe. Stay tuned.

CRANKING: This song. Add it to your workout mix. "Undead" by Hollywood Undead.

Not Much to Say

REMINISCING: You've heard of The Onion? About 6 or 7 years ago, for me, it was required reading. At the time, there was nothing anywhere like it. It cracked me up. My friends would all talk about it and debate the funniest article of the week. As the years have passed, its either gotten less funny, or I've just picked up on the formula they use, and I don't laugh as heartily (or at all) as I used to. There's a very funny article from this week's issue, about "struggling Americans" needing to work in the fourth-dimension, just to make ends meet. Very funny. A clever premise, yes. But then the article drones on for 1,000+ words with only a few humorous observations.

Just like this other headline ..."Kobe Bryant Scores 25 In Holy Shit We Elected A Black President". Get it? Yes, the headline is hilarious. And in this case, I really laughed at how the article was written - stream of consciousness. But ...and what's my point? Oh, yes. Two funny articles. A site that's slipped a bit.

Not even really sure why I talked about it. I could've easily just said, "here's two funny articles." But for a moment, I thought I was really something. Really acted high and mighty, like, just because I have my own site (spunkybean), and my own blog (you're reading it), that I am some sort of authority on sarcasm, satire, and writing.

ANNOYING: People at Starbucks. I realize Starbucks jokes and observations are about as cliche and tired as airline jokes were in the 80s and 90s, but Starbucks really needs a separate line for people who want coffee-only. Worse than Mochas and Lattes, however, are the people who want egg-sausage sandwiches. I didn't even know Starbucks was in that business. But I learned this morning while three hoity toity chicks ordered egg-sandwiches, lattes, cappuccinos, and bottles of water for a little breakfast circle they were having. Dude! Denny's is that way. Check it out. I got lucky and was only the second person behind them in line. As I left the Starbucks after getting my "black coffee only", there were 14 people in line.

SAYING: Order coffee!!! Learn to drink coffee!!! Lattes and cappuccinos are for desserts and special occassions. I hope Obama does something about this.

CREATING: My own The Onion headlines.

"80% of Obama Voters Changed Mind Upon Hearing McCain's Concession Speech"

"Racists Restructure Hate Allocation in Wake of Historic Election"

So much to do. So much to say. So much to blog. I really gotta get busy.

Vote for FREE Starbucks Coffee

See, that was like a play on words. You're not actually voting for free coffee, but if you vote, you get a free small coffee from Starbucks. There's a story there, but I didn't have time to read it.

CRACKING: You up. With my insightful look at the election today and what we know about the candidates and the issues. I may have bitten off more than I can chew, but my point is this ...its an election. We've had many, many in our nation's history and we'll have many, many more, and people will try and convince you each election is the most important election of your lifetime to date and failure to elect their candidate will lead to the downfall of America. They'll compare so-and-so to Hitler, or tell you future-America with whats-his-name as President will be like France, or Cuba, or some nation that's ruled by a dictator. But, it ain't that bad.

LOBBING: A softball article written by my fellow spunkybean'r ...EJ examines the best television Presidents. That dude from the All State commercials totally has my vote.

Now, I'm off to flash my "I Voted" sticker again at another Starbucks and get yet another FREE cup of joe.

If I Ever...

If I ever make a movie, some how and some way, I'm including this song. I've heard this song many, many times but never was able to determine the title or the band. But, now ...I have. And if the lyrics - which I haven't listened to very closely - don't fit in with my feel-good comedy about a monkey dressed in drag making a run for the presidency of the United States who, along the way, learns that Washington is corrupt with power struggles, and while changing the country he changes the one thing that truly matters ...his heart. Well ...if this doesn't fit in with that storyline, dammit ...the band ...Never Ending White Lights ...they'll rewrite "Grace" for me.



Pretty lame for blog entry, but that's how blogs work sometimes. It's in my head, so you get to read it. Like these nuggets...

VOTING: Do it. But don't tell me who you're voting for and 'why?' Just do it.

WATCHING: The Daily Show. Thanks to the theater of the political race, this show has never been better. I don't know how they do it.

EATING: 2-week old pasta with cream sauce. Smelled good. So it became lunch.

DRINKING: Coffee. I've been glued to my chair since 8 a.m. and am buried in a project that must get done before 3 p.m. ...or else! I wanted to get outta work early, go home, grab the kids, take 'em to the pumpkin patch, then all carve pumpkins together while singing classic Halloween carols. That may not be happening.

LOOKING: At spunkybean.com.

THINKING: I should write something for that site. After all ...it is my site. And while I've systematically destroyed ANFTSJ by hijacking its writer, his talent, and all his ideas and material he has, he could totally use a little help in the content department for spunkybean.

RECRUITING: Writers. Know a writer who I would think is talented, funny, and creative. Is this person also unemployed and, preferably, without a social life and uncommitted to anyone or anything in any way? That's the kinda writer I'm looking for. Have 'em get a holda me.

We're All in this Together...

Betcha wonder why I'm so excited, today? Is it because I'm 24-hours away from a 4-day family vacation? Is it because my hair looks fantastic? Perhaps you wonder if I ate a good meal, recently (I did, fyi). To be honest, its all these things and more.

PREMIERING: High School Musical 3, baby! You think I'm joking? Check out these dance moves, yo ... (I'm doing a spot-on routine of the dance scene in part 2 during the "Work This Out" number ...trust me). Yes, while the rest of you chump pre-teen and teenage girls are going to have to wait until Friday to see if Troy wins back-to-back state championships, if Chad and Troy can manage to stay friends for longer than six months, if Sharpay ever finds a heart, if Ryan finally gets his moment in the spotlight, and if its actually, really possible that Troy and Gabriella break-up and actually don't go to the prom together ...well ...here's one 35-year-old guy who's going to get all those answers tonight! How, you ask?

WINNING: Premier passes from a radio station for the opening of High School Musical 3. Well, my wife actually won them. And it was awesome. My wife has 'skillz'. Mad skillz. Among them, the power to control time and space, like Hiro, from Heroes. Her other skill? The ability to talk very, very fast. If FedEx revived their classic '80s commercial campaign with that guy who talks fast, and if he was unable to fulfill his duties, my wife could step right in. A local radio station pitted Moms against Moms and asked them to call in and attempt to say "Getcha head in the game" more times in 15-seconds than the other Mom. It was like watching Goliath and David, The Rematch. My wife, the 'Goliath' in this parable, managed to spit out 27 "getcha head in the games" in the 15-seconds allotted her. It was incredible. And it was 6:30 in the morning and she had just come from her early morning bootcamp and was out of breath, and she hadn't even had coffee, yet. The other Mom, obviously shaken from what she'd just witnessed, tried mightily but only managed 18 or 20 times. My wife screamed! We high fived! I started singing "Stick to the Status Quo" towards the phone, hoping the loser Mom would hear me and would pick up on the fact I was taunting her.

"Oh, no, noooooo ...stick to what you know!"



I should be embarassed by all this, but I'm not. Let's put it this way ...go out and get yourself a 5-year-old daughter (please use traditional means, I'm not encouraging anything illegal) and immerse her in pop-culture and see if you, too, don't suddenly know all the words to both HSM soundtracks and tell me you can't wait to see this new movie.

TRAVELING: To Speed Talking competitions, whenever and wherever. A quick Google search revealed there isn't currently a speed-talking circuit (I'm sure its 'underground' and maybe not the type of thing a Soccer-Mom should be involved in), but I'll find it (or start it). I mean, there's a Blackberry Speed Typing league and Pogo Stick league ...speed-talking's day in the sun is here!

TRAVELING 2: To Atlanta to see my best friend. My "bff", if you will. Holy crap! This blog entry reads as if it was ripped out of a 9-year-old's diary. Well, my "bff" is a cage fighter and we're going to roll around Atlanta bashin' heads in and gettin' drunk and coked up. OK. No we're not. We're going to annoy our wives with our stupid jokes, our strange way we talk to each other, and if the Spartans lose to U-of-M on Saturday, with our foul moods. I leave in 24-hours for the road trip and I'll be taking my 5, 4, and 2 year old on a 13-hour trip and I'm looking forward to it. I'm like Clark Griswold over here. We'll play license plate bingo, sing songs, watch movies, tell stories, stay in a hotel, and hopefully visit a few landmarks. And maybe, while on our journey, we'll find ...ourselves. My 5-year-old and I have grown distant and she resents the fact she only has 2 Webkinz (some of her friends have upwards of 12) and I'm hoping, like the road trip in Little Miss Sunshine, that we can do some bonding and break through the wall that divides us.

I could keep going with that analogy, but I won't. Check back often, and check spunkybean on Thursday for my preview and review of High School Musical 3 ...how does one write "scrreeeeeeeeeeeee!" to convey excitement?

Absolutely Inexcusable

10 days since my last blog entry, and dozens of awesome things have happened. Shame on me. Let's start big and work our way small...

TRIATHLONNING: I did it. 400-meters in the water, 13-miles on my bike, and 3.1 miles on foot ...blindfolded. I have a really deep, thoughtful, highly observant 'take' on the entire training process, the event itself, and the post-tri-matic stress disorder I experienced. Keep checking back. My self-congratulation is just, kinda, missing something. I don't feel I've done justice to myself and how incredible I am.

RUNNING: spunkybean, still. Don't forget that. Me, along with some incredibly talented writers who are dedicated, energetic, and creative ... we're all still posting some piping hot content over at that thar spunkybean thang. For instance, this morning ...you can check-in for a complete guide to everything you could/should watch on TV this week.

SEARCHING: For more info on the rap act that does "Do Yo Thang." I think they're called KJ-52 and this thing flows, yo. Donnie likey. Couldn't embed the vid, so click the link above and enjoy. In the meantime, I embedded some other video from YouTube. Also good. I just hope the cool 'kids' like this group.



Lots of posts this week (in theory). I've got to talk HSM 3, vacation, spunkybean, and more 'me' ...all day, every day.

Sweeping out the Garage (plus a 9:40am UPDATE)

Many (read: none) wonder how I write my blog and my columns. I keep a notebook with me at all times. Without a notebook, sometimes I'll type something into a Memo on my Blackberry. I also have a small recorder and sometimes I'll speak something into it. And, every now and then, I'll call my own voicemail and leave a message for myself. Then, daily when possible, I'll go over those notes and write a few things for 'the Ego' (as the kids are calling it). Here's a bunch of "thought starters" that I didn't really think could make the cut, but because I got nothing better ...lucky you.

SHRINKING: My waist. I'm a 32" waist, down from a 34" 6-months ago. If anyone was planning on buying me pants, keep this in mind. The abs aren't washboards, yet ...but I'm getting there.

DISGUSTING: The gym I joined. I like to go at lunch, but the place is a mad house. The lockers wreak of other's dirty gym clothes, all five lanes of the lap pool are packed every time and I have to share a lane and often bump into people. Other members treat the place like crap and the showers usually have soaking towels left on the floor or handicap railing. Dudes walk around nude ...everywhere. And there has never been less than 2 nude dudes in the sauna, so I've never used it. GOOD LORD! Is it so prohibitive to wrap yourself in a towel? I can't ever get a bench press machine and people don't understand the concept of "working in a set". They press some bench ...then sit there until their next rep. The TVs are too far away from the bikes I use. The upstairs drinking fountain is broken. I'm glad this facility, a very high-end national brand, will allow me a full refund within 30-days, because I'm definitely not continuing my membership. I need a facility with a few less members and activity.

WATCHING: Everything, but not as much as I used to. Writing about what I watch (Amazing Race, Mad Men, Survivor, etc) has limited the time I can actually watch TV (as has triathlon training). But, last night was like a day of yore. I watched, without any note taking, Chuck, then Greek, and then Heroes. It was a pure joy. Chuck is the best show you aren't watching. And if I see you at a party or any social-type event, that event had better be 'green', and if I ask you directly if you watch Chuck, you had better tell me 'yes' ...or lie to me. Save yourself.

ADDING: M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" (video below), and then also Kanye West's, Jay Z's, and T.I.'s "Swagger Like Us" that borrows from M.I.A. (no video below). And, also, 'I don't care' what anyone says (Young Kevin), I'm adding Fall Out Boy's new single, "I Don't Care" (video below ...and it cracks me up), and I'm stoked for their new CD, Folie e Deux, due out November 3rd.





CRYING: Because life got in the way of my attending the Weezer show recently.

BUYING: A new computer monitor. Those cheap flat screen Dells have a limited shelf life. It's the 2nd one that died on me. Hmmmm. Maybe it's time to get a new PC ...or a laptop? Now that's just crazy talk.

UPDATING: This blog entry ...not par for the course 'round these parts. But it has come to my attention from a dear reader that a 2nd single from FOB's new CD is available. Here it is...