Heroes, Hernias, and a Heartfelt Apology

Sorry to all for the length of this post. It's three-posts-in-one ...saves you big money.

HEROES: THIS VIEWERS TIMELINE

9:00pm - "Previously on Heroes" ...yada, yada, yada ...whatever ...yowza that new blond chick is hot.

9:07pm - Watching the show on the big screen. Good Lord! Now I know why I have Tivo. These commercials are way too long. Why didn't I get a DVR on my HD big screen? Oh, the inner battle between pausing and fast forwarding live TV (upstairs on the 27") and watching this show in HD (downstairs on the 50"). Oh, there's Clair ...angry at her fake dad ...but, gosh, Bennet has been doing some bad things lately - even I have my doubts. Clair (Hayden) calls on her real-life dolphin-saving passion to deliver a great f.u. to Bennet. Who knew she could act?

9:24pm - Bob, his electric-finger-daughter, and Mohinder in an alley. Oh nooooo! Please don't kill Bennet. Please don't kill Bennet. BAM! Flying boy to the rescue! (I'm now jumping up and down on my couch punching the air along with Bennet's fists on Mohinder's face ...I wish I could fly ...ouch, my ankle. I cannot fly ...but maybe my powers have yet to reveal themselves to me). Take that, Mohinder! Bennet foiled the future-painting.

9:27pm - Clair ACTUALLY went to school? OK. Whatever. I bet something's going to happen. Oh, snap! Ned Ryerson. Nooo! It's a trap, Clair. "Bennet!?!?!?" He called you Bennet (I'm jumping on the couch). Run! Oh, good. You did. (no longer jumping up and down on couch)

9:35pm - Oh, please. Spare me this father-son melodrama. Boooooring. Will Hiro ever get wise?

9:40pm - Ha! Take that Ned Ryerson!!! You can't outfox, outwit, and outplay Bennet. Your daughter's hot ...but that gives you no right to do whatever it is you're doing that I can't figure out (I'm pumping fists and shooting air-guns with my finger).

9:47pm - Blah, blah, blah. Hiro's Dad is proud of him. Who cares!?!?! He's just going to bumble something next week. By now, with all he's seen and been through, can we stop with his childish antics and can Hiro finally start acting like an intelligent adult Hero?

9:50pm - (rocking back and forth in fetal position) Please don't let this be happening. Please don't let this be happening. Bennet is shot. Bennet is shot. Where was I when Bennet was shot? Crap. I can't believe my answer is "playing with Heroes action figures while dressed in my Heroes pajamas." If ever my theory that no-one-ever-is-really-dead on Heroes could be true, let this be it.

9:55pm - OK. High-five to Hiro. He used his powers very, very accurately this episode. I hope Nickel-Guy is watching ...see! Great idea to stop time right as your Dad is going over the edge and I'll even give the writers credit for using Hiro's powers to solve the mystery this way. It's Kensei. No surprise, but its nice to have verification. Hmmm. He didn't "start" time again and time-travel outta there ...oh, good lord ...you just know Hiro is gonna mess this up, too. I guess we'll see next week when he starts time and runs downstairs to confront Kensei. Dang, Hiro. Digest this new info for a while. You can always time-travel back to this moment if you decide that's what's best.

9:57pm - The Bennet household is sad. I get it. But get the hell outta there. Bob's coming to get you!!! Where's Bennet, btw? These people leave the dead lying around everywhere, I guess. If only Clair knew that her blood could save ...WAIT!!! There's an I.V. (please let this be Bennet) ...panning slowly ...it's Bennet!!! Woo hoo! His eye is regenerating. (I'm dancing, now) He's alive, alive, alive!!! Hooray! If I thought anyone else in the world actually watched shows in real-time anymore, I'd call my brother ...or Nickel-Guy (except I don't have his #). Haha! Bennet said, "Oh, crap!" Funny line. Where is he? He's alive and that's all that matters!

9:59pm - Previews! Sylar (gulp). Hiro with a sword against Peter's neck (shrug). Other stuff. I think this show just got better than LOST. And apparently I cannot regenerate, either, cuz my ankle is still killin' me.

HERNIATING: A-Hole Dad from Amazing Race got a hernia. I didn't know you could get a hernia from self-righteousness, but you can. Not one to typically wish harm on anyone, in this case, I'm happy he got a hernia. He'll be the one to blame when he and his daughter are "the last team to arrive" and it will be all his fault. I will write him an angry fan email and rip him a new a-hole. And my crazy brain will assume he'll actually read it, be hurt by it, and change. My letter will bother him for years and years.

I won't bore with the play by play, but the Spanish sisters were "the last team to arrive" and "I'm sorry" they "both" were "eliminated from the race." I also learned that I feel very badly for babies in that African-country-I've-never-heard-of for having to drink camel milk. Send them cows!!! Please. Gross.

And finally, I'm pretty sure CBS stopped the first plane so that everyone could catch-up OR they convinced the Cheating-Guy and his girlfriend to wait and save the show. NO WAY that just happened coincidentally. I think I detected complete disgust in Cheated-On-Girlfriend's voice (or was it fear) as she told the teams "glad you made it" as they boarded. I picture 5 directors and producers standing 3 feet from her holding weapons forcing her to say this and act like everything was a-ok.

GROVELING AND APOLOGIZING:

Dear, Wise Sister:

Barely twelve days have passed since last I wrote telling you to return to The Bachelor. Twelve magical days filled with wonder and romance and some of the most dramatic rose ceremonies and home town visits ever witnessed. And millions of candles.

Like most of America, I popped a big bowl of popcorn and readied the champagne for the final rose ceremony. This would be a magical night of TV. A love story for the generations. Bachelor Brad, easily the most like-able bachelor in the shows history, would have to decide between two spectacular women. On the one hand, there's this great chick who tended bar for years, is down-to-earth, has a great family, and is the very definition of salt-of-the-earth. Grounded. Cautious. But, now, totally and 100% head over heels. On the other hand, there's the highly attractive, perfect-bodied, love-at-first-site girl, Jenni. So cute and she even ends her name with an "i" and not the traditional "y" or "ie." I just want to pinch those big, high-boned cheeks of hers. Oh, what handsome children those two would make.

This is it. True love. I felt like he was my own kid brother taking the biggest step of his life ...our brother, sis. And I half regretted and half lamented that you were not a part of all this. I was positive if you would have watched The Bachelor again, you'd feel the same.

So last night I was prepared to see something magical. I was prepared to call you at 11:00pm EST and tell you, through tears, that our li'l Bradley was getting married. Only, because you don't watch, it wouldn't be "ours" so much as it would be "mine." I was prepared to forgive you and welcome you back with open arms nonetheless. I would've watched the whole season again, on Tivo, just so you could be a part of this with me.

Then magic did happen. Only, instead of Doug Henning world-of-illusion and wonderment magic, it was black magic. It was evil. It was shocking. And dramatic. For once, when Chris Harrison said "the most dramatic rose ceremony" and "the most shocking", he was dead right.

Allow me to cut to the chase. Bach Brad didn't pick either. He wasn't "in love."

So, sis. There I was. Champagne flute in hand and unwrapping the foil from the top of my champagne bottle. Having just seen Brad bid farewell to phony, self-promoting Jenni (sooooo cute), there was Brad and Deanna on the stone podium-slash-alter thingy and this was it. Brad gave his little speech and, well ...I could hardly breathe. Gosh, he was just so down-to-earth and plain-spoken, I could tell it was all coming right from his heart. And he even said, "I'll be honest with you," like three or four times. So, honestly is the best policy and it was coming from his heart. I could tell.

Then my world fell apart. Brad got choked up, but not in a sweet way. No. Instead in a paranoid and crazy way. He walked away. Not from love. But from the alter-slash-stage, or whatever. Brad pulled at his collar. Swallowed hard. Looked to the ocean and the sky and then walked back up to Deanna. "OK," I thought. "That was weird ...dramatic ...even shocking ...but OK. Here goes. A proposal." I twisted the wire from around the cork when, all of sudden, Brad told Deanna he didn't love her either.

And that was that.

I owe you a huge apology, sis. You were right. I guess, as your older brother, I just always feel like I know what's best for you. I was wrong. Way, way, way wrong. I hope you read this before Thanksgiving dinner and that, maybe, we'll have a chance to talk. I want it to be like it was before between us. I'm not too proud to say you were right to have given up on The Bachelor years ago. You were right. You're so grown up and I'm proud of you. You watch and not-watch your TV shows, and I'll watch and not-watch mine.

And, forever more, I will not-watch The Bachelor. I love you. Let's start anew. See you at Thanksgiving.

Love,
Yer bro

The Bachelor (An Open Letter to My Sister to Return to The Bachelor's Viewing Audience)

Dearest Sister:

I know it's been a while. You gave up on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette a few years ago when you realized nobody is on the show to honestly find "true love." I want you to know ...I understand. A part of me was also left wanting by this. I guess in my heart I just still believed that two people could go on a TV-show, date in a group whilst being followed relentlessly by producers, writers, directors, dozens of cameras shooting every move, all while thousands of candles (good lord, there're candles) light their way. I so hoped that a couple o' crazy kids could still find love. Call me old fashioned.

Sister. I think this is it. Bachelor Brad seems like the genuine article. He's narrowed it down to two cuties. Both nice. Great families. When I look at Brad & Jenni and Brad & Deanna, I just see something special. And something special. Like these are the only two people in the world for each other. And so are those two.

It's magic, either way.

Did Jenni bring her modeling portfolio with her? Sure. But, so what!?!?!?! I know that looks like she was hoping that during the hundreds of hours of down time she'd be able to rub elbows with producers and TV-people. The cynic might accuse her of using this show to further her career, maybe getting the nod as the next bachelorette or to help her land the Phoenix Suns dancer gig. But I think she has a perfectly rational explanation. She brought it to show her new, bestest friends she knew she'd make while staying in the mansion. Cuz if it's one thing that brings girls together, fighting for the affection and attention of a man is it. She could've brought family photos, a scrap book, or a favorite doll. Instead, she brought her head shots. Nothing but a conversation starter, sis. Nothing more. I've often wished more people had their personal head shots with them to help jump start stalled conversation. I don't really like making small talk with my waitress, but I'd love to hear her poetry or see her modeling photos. That's real life, sis.

And Deanna. What a button! I find the fact that she went from mostly-disinterested to totally-in-love in the span of 10-days charming. When she told Brad last week that she was totally in love and that her heart was in it, and she said it all like a robot might say it, I thought, "I hope my sister is watching this. This is why we all fell in love with this show in the first place." I'll never forget when my now wife first told me, "zerp ...I ...love ...znit, zerp ...you. Zerp." It took my breath away - which might've been aided by the 900+ tiny votive candles she lit to make our quaint dinner more romantic. Those suckers burn some major oxygen out of a small dorm room. My point is, you can hear the love in her voice on the third or fourth take. I bet there're some seasons where the directors have to yell, "cut" a dozen or more times until they finally get something that sounds at least the slightest bit genuine.

Good gracious they burn candles on this show!!!

Oh, Deanna. The one. Or one-of-two, at the very least. She's Greek. No ...not like a college frat "Greek" ...but really Greek ...like My Big Fat Greek Wedding style Greek. That movie charmed the pants off America. So when the show's producers and writers encouraged Deanna to play out her stereotypical ethnic background and invite her "big", "fat", and "Greek" family over for Ouzo shots and dancing in circles ...well ...I could still see the true love right through all the contrived love.

I just know in my heart that one week from this Sunday's "The Bachelor Tell's All" filler show, when Brad gets down on one knee in front of Deanna or Jenni and proposes, its totally gonna be a diamond ring and not some promise-bracelet or pre-engagement-engagement ring.

I know it. Oh, boy. Look at me. I'm tearing up over here. Stop it, Don. You said you wouldn't do this. I'm just such a hopeless ...(sniff ...make long face to keep tears from actually appearing) ...I'm just such a hopeless romantic. I'm sorry. But when I think of these star crossed lovers sitting apart for the 13 weeks that've have elapsed since they taped the final episode until now, I just get choked up. This is really it. It totally restores my faith in love and goodness and TV-magic.

Still aren't sold? Did you know Brad kicked out Bettina? Not before he made love to her, of course. But the guy did have quite a bit invested in that shallow woman. American hated Bettina. She was totally in it for the wrong reasons. Well ...wronger reasons ...if wronger is even a real word. And if wronger isn't a real word, frankly, I don't want to be righter.

So, sis. Will you watch, again? Or has the world of staged, phony, forced romance forever soured you. If you'll give it another chance, I swear The Bachelor will steal your heart all over, again.

Let enhanced love for sweeps back into your heart. Come back to The Bachelor. Come back to an American love story. Come back to love.

Love,
Your Bro

Heroes

HEROES: I've spent a good deal of blog space making fun of Heroes this season. The show seemed to have no direction. Too much fluff. Two love stories. A buncha new characters. Inconsistencies. Hiro acting like a dufus.

That all changed, last night. In short, a flawless episode. This must be why I got hooked in the first place. If you'd have told me there could be an episode this awesome without Sylar, I'd have laughed in your face. Laughed hard.

First thing ...I feel bad for Peter. He's got all these powers, but he doesn't know how to use them, who he is, or what he's supposed to do. My family had this neighbor when I was a kid that had a remote controlled helicopter. He could fly it from his porch and ever-so-gently pick up his paper at the foot of his driveway and bring it back to the front door. He thought it was a real hoot to fly and drop a water balloon onto things. I thought, "someday I'm gonna get me one of those and do cool stuff like that." Finally, "someday" came. I couldn't wait to master the art of remote controlled helicoptering and do all sorts of stuff like my neighbor. To save time, let me just say my hopes and dreams never came true. I've included an illustration of the one-and-only flight of my helicopter at the right.

Why do I share this story? Cuz I TOTALLY identify with Peter. Last week he figured out he could travel through time. But he doesn't know how he did it and how to do it again. And once there, if he could actually control his lightning-fingers or his moving-things power, he could've saved himself and his new found love. Instead, he tried to move-things but, whoops, traveled in time - leaving his recently-remembered mom and girlfriend in some apocalyptic future. DOH! And, oh ...holy swear word!!! It's Kensei. Didn't we just see him charred-to-bits in 1600-something China? I knew he wasn't dead. No one is ever really dead on this show. Except that Russian guy from last week. And anyone that Ms. Death-Eyes gets sad or scared around. A few others. OK. The writers sure do have a nice gig, though. Cuz when they really need someone back, they can just bring'em back. Back to Kensei ...he's alive. 400 years later. Apparently the regenerative powers are slower when you are either blown up by gun powder or split-atoms.

For the record, ANFTSJ has been calling for Kensei being alive for weeks. Weeks!

One groan moment. Parkman killed his Dad. Using mind-power. I'm to believe Parkman's Dad spent a lifetime honing his skill and in less than a week his son beat him at his own head-tripping game? OK. Because the rest of the epsidode was so, so, so good, I'll forgive it.

Finally ...the Flying-Boy is out in the open and Claire and her Dad (aka Bennet) are really talking. Gosh, it warms my heart when parents and children really, truly communicate. Whoa! Ouch! OK ...that went south in a hurry. I guess they're all moving. If I could offer some fatherly advice to Bennet, it's this: Talk to her. Tell her you love her. And maybe throw in a little detail about how she's the key to saving or not saving the world. I think she's old enough to handle that. What do they say? "Communication is the anti-drug?" Or is it "Parents. The anti-drug?" Only in this case "communication" is the anti-Armageddon. But you get my drift.

Flawless - except for the Parkman Dad storyline. But like I always say, don't believe anyone is ever dead on this show. Ever. Oh, and why can't Hiro just jump back in time to moments before he kissed that chick in front of Kensei and say, "Yo, me. You. Hiro. In about 10 minutes you're going to have a real nice opportunity to mash with her. Don't do it. Cuz Kensei will probably be looking at you guys and get really pissed." And then he could blink himself outta there. Right? We've seen him (last season) travel in time and talk to himself before. Why not now?

Grrrrrr. Hiro. Will you ever wise-up?

Mohinder has a gun and a nose-job as predicted in the paintings. Bennet's bullet-in-the-eye painting makes more sense to him. Kensei is alive. The girl is awake. And the previews look so awesome I wish I could go to sleep today and wake up next Monday at 8:55PM.

If I was Hiro I'd just think really hard and I'd be there. Throwing apple blossom flowers all about my living room.

Tune in later for my The Bachelor opinions. Riveting stuff, I know.

Where Does the Blog Time Go?

PROCRASTINATING: Blogging about Heroes, The Bachelor, Michigan State University, Phenomenon, and Halloween.

BLOGGING: Celebrities. What am I doing when I'm not blogging, procrastinating, or pretending to work? Reading other blogs. Trio put together a list of 66 celebs who blog. Curt Shilling's is actually impressive and worthy of a bookmark (or RSS). Mark Cuban, as one might expect, keeps his posts up-to-date and relevant - even commenting on his ouster from Dancing With the Stars. Trio could've actually checked a few of these and probably made it "30 Celebs Who Blog." I'm just sayin'. Another blog I read, and this guy really isn't a celebrity unless you are from Detroit or a fan of Michigan State basketball, is Maurice Ager's blog on Men's Health. He really keeps this thing current.

VISITING: Home towns on The Bachelor. This show always gets more interesting when the non-attention-starved family members get in on the act. You can't fault them. The bachelorette's Moms and Dads didn't audition for a reality show. Some of them don't even watch reality TV, obviously, because they never fail to embarrass themselves, not understanding the way writers and directors will take 3 hours of dialogue and cut it down to the :55-seconds you talked about astrology and metaphysics. Poor, poor Sheena. She was the prettiest gal left of the bunch. Some might say her crazy-astrologer mother was her undoing, but it must've been something more. Something left on the editing floor. Cuz how does this nice (and pretty) girl get sent packing whilst arrogant, boring, stiff Bettina and her holier-than-thou, uppity, snooty family get to hang around? Grrrr. I hate Bettina. The Donniego household was never a fan of Deanna, but suddenly, she's the front runner. Bettina is annoying and pre-worn. Jenni's laugh will drive you insane, trust me. Plus, she's not giving up her Phoenix Sun dancer world for Austin-bar-owner's wife.

PREDICTION: Deanna and Jenni in the final week.

HEROES: Once again, I'm two days late. By now you've probably read message boards and fan blogs (including A Nickel for the Swear Jar's blog entry ...damn, this kid is obsessed ...but in the nicest possible way). Ya know how when you graduate high school you try and keep in touch and slowly you and your friends all drift apart (despite having written K.I.T. in all their yearbooks)? Maybe that first year back from college you all party like crazy together, but you realize that, sadly, you are all drifting apart. You all have your own college friends, now. You can't help but patronize and look down on the friends who didn't go to college, stayed home, got jobs. Someone, no doubt, has a girlfriend that you all hate. Point is. It just kinda happens. Its natural. However, imagine if all your friends possessed freakish powers capable of destroying the world and you were all united by a single thread that made you different. Would you really lose track of each other?

Angela Petrelli: "Hey. Have you heard from Linderman lately?"
Bob: "Didn't he play cello?"
Angela: "Yes. Oh, and he could bring things back from the dead."
Bob: "Oh, yeah. I totally remember him. Damn, we had some wild times. What ever happened to him?"
Angela: "I think he founded his own company doing research and stuff on something. I don't know." (lights cigarette with her finger tip)
Bob: "Loony Linderman? Has his own company. I'll be damned. There's hope for us all."
(both laugh)
Bob: "Oh ...you know who I ran into? Parkman? Remember him?"
Angela: "You're kidding. I ran into him, too."
Bob: "No shit? Where?"
Angela: "He haunted me in a dream ...I nearly cried I was so terrified."
Bob: "Wow! Same here. I couldn't really make out everything, but I'm pretty sure he's going to be in New York in a week or two. And he's going to kill me. And everyone. Wow! It'll be good to see his crazy mug again."

And ...scene! How in the hell did this happen?!?!?!? The "Group of Twelve" (as they're called) were obviously close at one point ...close enough to take a nice photo together. But now they're scattered all over the world. The writers had better have a darn good explanation for this ...or ...well ...I'll keep watching. But I might audibly gasp a bit more.

Also funny how Mohinder thinks he's back on solid footing with Ned Ryerson just cuz he refused to inject the Mimic Waitress. Is Mohinder really that stupid, or is he simply feigning stupidity in order to be trusted - and not be turned into a solid gold statue of himself at the hands of Ned Ryerson?

And finally a fist-pump and a head-cock. Bennet's in control. Complete control. He knows Mohinder is a moron, but he's OK with the moronic actions he's taken. He'll kill everyone and his plan is still on track. Bennet knows he'll die from a bullet-to-the-eye ...but he's cool with that. What will be, will be, says Bennet. And I'm pretty sure (said in high pitch with eyes squinting to indicate sarcasm) that he knows Claire (the Cheerleader) is dating a flying Hero guy and that she's lying to her ol' man. If he can read the poker face of a 60-year-old character actor, he can certainly figure out when teen-star Hayden Panatierre is lying. Right? Of course, of course.

I wish I could bump into Sylar right now ...I'd take advantage of his weakened state and taunt him mercilessly. Until, of course, he killed me and took my power of Common Sense. The world would be in some serious trouble, then.

PHENOMINIZING: The show Phenomenon is as horrible as I had expected. These tricks are not tricky. They're all set-ups. Relying on Carmen Electra to actually remember which nail gun she's supposed to load or how she's supposed to "secretly" indicate to you which nail gun will kill you was the most impressive thing of all. Or that the sequence of "tickles" would be 1. chin, 2. head, 3. nose, and 4. boobs. How does Carmen Electra remember 7 things at once? Wait. Check that ...the biggest trick continues to be how Criss Angel hides his dorky lisp. Yup. That's right, Crissth. I'm onto you. And your magic sucks. And what's with the super-femmy, high-pitched celebrity judge-slash-assistant. As if the show wasn't unwatchable enough, they put this guy on there. I'm pretty sure he makes gay people uncomfortable, even. Ah, who am I kidding. All you need to know about this show can be found at ANFTSJ and his All Pilot Project review of Phenomenon. Will ANFTSJ watch again? I don't know. But I will because its fun to make fun of this turd bag and his lame show of lame magic.

Do I pimp for ANFTSJ, enough? Get used to it.