Anger Issues

I just read that NBC is debuting a show called Phenomenon, starring Criss Angel and mentalist Uri Geller. They'll be searching for the "next great mentalist." This makes me so angry I have a good mind to take up smoking and smoke 10 cigarettes in a row and angrily smash each cigarette out in an ash tray.

I hate Criss Angel ...starting with the way he spells his name and ending with his retarded magic.

Maybe its a sad statement that this has ruined my day, but it has.

Dammit!!! His face will never be on my TV screen. EVER!!! (smashes cigarette butt in ashtray on corner of desk).

Note: I'm going to add more stage directions to my blog entries ...I think that'll be a nice effect.

Criss Angel is a fraud, to the core. He is to magic what Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia are to comedy (though I really think Dane Cook is funny, sue me). And now Criss has a show called Phenomenon which, I guess, means that's what he is? Screw that. Gimme Blain any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

I want to go to one of his stage shows and boo until my voice goes hoarse. I don't think he even has stage shows ...cuz he's a total fake!!!!!!!!!

Granted, if he walks into my office right now and levitates ...well, I'll take it all back. But he won't, cuz he can't. He sucks.

Come on, NBC. You have a real shot to gain some ground on the other networks, right now. Don't do this. You see, NBC, I'm rooting for your comeback? Why? I don't know. But I came of age when The Cosby Show led into Family Ties which led into Cheers which led into Night Court. You were the top dog. No one could touch you. You had the NFL. You had the NBA. You were the cock of the walk - or peacock of the walk, if you will. I don't like that you've fallen so far. I feel sad that still images of great scenes from CSI airing on CBS could get better ratings than many/most of your shows. So when you have Heroes and The Office, and now Chuck, I think, "this might be the beginning of their comeback." And then you team up with Criss Angel showing that you are still floundering. Nobody likes Criss Angel. Well, not enough that it'll get you any ratings. What next? The OJ Simpson Variety Hour? Trust me ...Angel is just as horrible.

Grrrrr. I need some coffee.

What's a Blog to Do?

FUTURE LISTENING: Brian Setzer has a new CD coming out. Sounds cool ...if you define cool as putting words to classical music masterpieces, but spiced up with a jazzy beat. I'm buying it. I don't care what you say.

NEW SHOWS: My wife and I like Chuck. It's apparently a brainstorm that happened while the show's creator was watching 40 Year Old Virgin. He must've said, "this is far too heavy on humor and not on action. I think the best show ever would be 40 Year Old Matrix." And then, I assume, he wrote the pilot and the rest is history. My geeky college buddies like it, as do I. I also like the show because I know the main characters name. Chuck, right? Right.

HEROES: That's right ...it gets a whole dateline to itself. That's how much I like Heroes. Finally got around to watchin' it last night (Wednesday). I'm sure there's plenty of sites that'll review it, name the characters by name, and remember all the subtle story lines. Namely ANFTSJ. Glad to see Groundhog Days' Ned Ryerson getting some work. Don't say you don't remember him, cuz he sure as heck fire remembers you. Ned... Ryerson. "Needlenose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. He did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing. Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson, I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?

I don't like that Hiro has been turned into Marty McFly, either. After all he did and learned last year, and now with his father dying - like I believe anyone's dead on this show, ever - you'd think his character would have a greater goal than to make his ancient parents kiss on some Under the Sea themed dance floor. I mean, he even met his future-self last season and Hiro obviously has potential bad-assedness in him ...so this Back to the Future story line bothers me.

And that concludes my notable review of the Heroes return. Oh, and is that guy in the box at the end the brother who blew up in space? I'll find out. Don't get me wrong, I'm watching. I love the show ...I just hate when writers treat me like a chump. The writers of this show, I have to say, are the luckiest writers on TV. If they're stumped for a story, they can just make-up a new character. Lucky them. And so we have a mass-murdering immigrant (is that a political statement?) and a King Midas. Who knew?

MORE BRIEFS: The Bachelor could be good. My household gave up on this show a season or two, ago. Somehow it showed up on our TV Monday evening and we watched the whole thing. Why I'll watch, you ask? This bachelor appears to have a sense of humor and he was able to laugh at the absurd behavior of some of the bachelorettes on the first night. One chick, in an attempt to "wow" him, showed him her webbed toes. Yes. I'm serious. She didn't get a rose. I sat disgusted for most of the hour-and-a-half and said to my wife the only way I'll watch this dang show is if they preview the season and show us an ambulance. They did. I set the season pass that very moment.

Tonight we get The Office, more Survivor, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Mad Men. Even with Tivo and skipping commercials, this is a daunting task. It may take me most of the weekend to watch it all - cuz I don't even wanna think about The Daily Shows and Colbert Reports I haven't seen. But I'm committed and will persevere.

What are my kids' names, again?

My Six Senses

LISTENING: Fall Out Boy's "From Under the Cork Tree" and "Infinity on High" morning, noon, and night. And for those who know me, that's not an exaggeration. I'm going to their show in November ...gotta make sure I can sing along instead of just standing there feeling "too old."

WATCHING: "Heroes" tonight! Can't wait. I'm not one of those geeks who followed any summer hiatus crap, so as far as I know, Hero is in old Asia and the bad guy who steals power from other heroes got away. And the mayor (or was he a Senator) flew into space and blew up. What up with that?

ALSO WATCHING: "Mad Men." I never got into "The Soprano's", but I hear this is kinda like that. I LOVE this show. I want to be Don Draper. I'm going at lunch to buy Brylcreem. Also watching "Survivor." It usually takes me a few episodes to decide if it'll be a good cast ...not this time. Took me all of 15 minutes to know this is gonna be AWESOME! My real quick takes ... hillbilly guy had to go and I'm glad he's gone. Ultra-Christian chick is in love with Green Mile guy. This could be fun to watch. It didn't even take her 3 days to realize she'd like to eat of the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden. Annoying-New-York-Anorexic chick, I hope, gets eaten by a panda.

ALSO, ALSO WATCHING: "Family Guy's" spoof of "Star Wars" is the last spoof on this movie that ever needs to be made. I had 6 guffaw-type, lose-my-breath, belly laughs and at least a dozen additional laughs (of the "out loud") variety. Brilliant.

I'LL WATCH ANYTHING ONCE: "Chuck" and "Journeyman." I feel like I'm grasping to find something to entertain me whilst I wait for "Jericho," "LOST," and "American Idol." to return after the first of the year. One thing is for sure, I had better have my books read, my chores done, and anything else I'd like to do in the evenings finished by January '08. Why? Because the afore mentioned three shows will be back, as will Mad Men, Greek, Amazing Race, and all my regular shows (see Tivo list at right)

NOT WATCHING: "Kid Nation". The summer's news stories and controversy were more entertaining than the show can ever be. It didn't take more than 10 minutes for me to stop watching. Kids say the darndest things ...that writers tell them to say while their parents stand just off camera coaching them. The network will deny it, of course, but this is as phony and staged as any reality show I've ever seen. In fact, no. It's NOT a reality show. It's actually a play. A children's play. And we all know that children like to put on plays and we all know that they suck (like the ones you see at elementary schools or church around the holidays). Hence, this sucks.

THINKING: I'm going on the Super Model-Coffee-and-Cigarette diet. Except I don't smoke. So I'm just gonna drink coffee morning, noon, and night and drink lots of water and eat ice chips. Before all is said and done, I'm gonna look like the lead singer of Maroon 5, so help me.

I read that Britney's ex-bodyguard testified she's an unfit parent. It's not bad enough that Congressmen can't trust prostitutes anymore, but now fast-lane-wild-life super-celebs can't trust bodyguards? At least I know I can still trust my shoe-shine guy. Some things are still sacred.

The War

No. Not "that war." I mean the classic battle for land. The battle shared between neighbors. Even friendly ones.

Last year my angry-ol'-neighbor decided she was sick of edging her lawn along the fence line, was tired of grass growing up the fence, and sprayed veggie kill along the entire fence line. But instead of a controlled 1-inch kill, it became an 8-inch wide spans of dead grass running the entire fence line. And this season, in its place, weeds grew. I've seethed for nearly 14 months. So, this past weekend, I reclaimed this swatch of earth. I raked and loosened the soil, I covered the loosed earth with enriched top soil, and I planted grass seed. Lots of it. I could feel her cold, angry stare from between her mini-binds as I worked to replenish this long dormant green space. Even li'l Jimmy donned mini garden gloves and helped me spread seed - even at age 3, he knows how good it feels to enact revenge on a nosy, budinski neighbor. Additionally, I plan to tell her about a limb on her large maple tree that, "makes me nervous." It's actually kinda cruel what I'm doing, but trust me ...it's worth it.

Note: She really is a nice lady and we adore her. I'm just sayin'.

Updates to follow. Maybe even pictures.

Summer? I Hardly Know 'er!

Autumn Resolutions: The sucky thing about New Year Resolutions are that they only come once a year. So you only have once a year to bight off more than you can chew and fail miserably at what you envisioned for yourself.

Note: Good thing about a blog is that you have an online reminder for you and all your friends and family to be disappointed in.

So, because of this New Year Resolution limitation, I've created (for myself) additional days throughout the year to turn over a new leaf and start anew. Like Fast Forward February. Or Spring's Solemn Vow (on the first day of spring). Summer Solstice Startover - when better to really start working out, reading great literature, and being nice to people than the longest day of the year? Knowing that each day that follows is slightly shorter and eventually is swallowed by darkness ...like your/my good intentions. And this week ...the Fall Fix-Up. This is where I take the shambles and scattered remains of a year's worth of good intentions and make one last gasp at achieving goals and making a better Don for the world to enjoy.

Among the lofty goals of my Fall Fix-Up are blog more regularly (especially the Kowalewski blog), really, really try and get my book published, do some stand-up, again (I've got quite a few hilarious observations and one-liners dying to be heard), really, really lose weight, use a larger font size on my blogs, read three books before Thanksgiving, and floss every day. I have quite a few more ...like quit blogging at work -