A Long Weekend Makes for a Long Monday

RECOVERING: From a weekend in Miami with an old friend. It started on Friday at lunchtime shortly after my plane touched down and then for 22 of the next 48-hours, I had a drink in my hand. This might've been manageable a decade ago, but I'm suffering for it, today. I should also mention I only slept a total of 10-hours, partly because I'm old and programmed to rise early, partly because ...well ...I think that's it. I'm old. Miami does this crazy thing - they keep the bars open until 4 a.m. Then Miami also decorates itself like a resort town so you always feel like you're on vacation and all you want to do is party. The sound of a cover band, bongos, or salsa music is ever present.

Miami is a beautiful place full of beautiful people. Except for the few ugly people and all the tourists - namely the 'cruisers' who are either about to set sail on a cruise or are docked in Miami as one of their stops. Half the people on my plane from Detroit to Miami had brochures for Norwegian or Royal Caribbean, half were traveling in large groups, and all of them were pouring over info on which excursions they would take. I was charmed because I have to imagine this is what my parents looked like before the dozen or so cruises they sailed on.

Miami is hot and humid. It's 90+ during the day with 90percent humidity, and 80-degrees at nighttime and the humidity stays around.

Miami bar goin' dudes wear one of only 3 things. 1. A graphic Tshirt. 2. A dress shirt with a pattern on it and pearl buttons (sleeves can be rolled up or down). 3. Something beadazzled. I'm sure the designer who made the shirts and then tricked them into paying $50 for the beadazzled t-shirt calls it something else ("bling", perhaps), but its beadazzled. Local shops also sell beadazzled jeans and hats. I wanted to wear a paper grocery bag as a shirt just so I look unique.

I wore graphic Ts.

I have receipts for 9 bars in my pocket. 9! I went to nine bars. I remember my favorite was called Automatic Slims. I rapped the entire "Paul Revere" tune with my buddy. I admired the bar for providing a brass pole for the women to utilize throughout the night. I admired the women who danced on said brass pole. There was this other bar I really liked, except that the bartender called me a "fucker" for not tipping. I fully intended on tipping for the next round, but because he bullied me, I did not tip.

I saw paparazzi hiding and waiting for someone to step out of a BMW X5 and then when the X5 took off, they chased it.

Miami has its share of pan handlers like any big city, but Miami's pan handlers are pretty creative. They carry snakes or lizards around hoping you'll give them money to hold it and take a picture with it. The 'cruisers' must be easy targets for this. We were not. In fact, my friend almost lost an ear. A pan handler came into a bar where we were drinking carrying a Monitor, which is in the Kimono Dragon family. It looked mean, felt weird, and the guy holding it didn't treat it very well. We mostly ignored his hasty Monitor history lesson, so to get our attention (and our money) he said "wanna take your picture with it" and placed said lizard on my friend's shoulder. Only 30-seconds before this moment he emphasized there were 3 rats in his backpack that the Monitor would eat, he mentioned it ate 3 birds the day before, and a newborn child the day before that. So when the monitor was placed on my friend's shoulder, it freaked and nearly bit off his ear. We told him - the Monitor and the pushy panhandler - to get the hell away. He still had the nerve to ask for a donation to save endangered species and if "Nick's Ear" was an endangered specie, I might've given. Mostly, I just wanted to keep all my digits.

Miami has wealthy people. Their 38-foot, 50-foot, and 80-foot yachts actually laugh at you when you walk by.

I think I like downtown Ft. Lauderdale over South Beach. But maybe because it felt more like Royal Oak (a suburb full of bars where I live).

My host family was great and I had a great time. I will go back ... and I'll take my paper bag wearables, too.

SLEEPING: What I'd like to be doing. I thought I had outwitted a massive hangover and I felt great last night. Today is a different story. If you need me, I'll be napping 'neath my desk.

UPDATING: Project Washboard. I did not achieve washboard abs in time for my Miami trip, but I did lose a good amount of weight and I still think I can have washboard abs by the end of this month and my big summer vacation in northern Michigan. Keep my abs in your thoughts and prayers.

I want a greasy cheeseburger and fries. But I will resist.